Tag Archives: Xbox One


Yesterday 28 year old, Gilbert Hornby, died because of a video game he played. Gilbert was a huge fan of the game ZombiU on the Wii U and yesterday he celebrated his favorite game being re-released on Xbox One. Overjoyed by having a second copy with higher resolution, Gilbert played for 8 hours straight. After that, our story takes a turn for the worst. Gilbert was found dead 4 hours later, but how and what does Zombi have to do with it? Stay tuned after our short commercial break-


Just 15 min could've saved Gilbert's life!

Gilbert was an nice man. Yes he loved his video games too much, but he was always kind to others. This kindness would soon take a turn for the worst. At persicely 9pm, August 18th, Gilbert would be the victim of a video game gone bad.

After 8 solid hours of playing Zombi on the Xbox One, Gilbert went out to get a bite to eat. Little did he know, he was about to die horribly. While walking to the local Subway sandwich shop and passing a Geico billboard, Gilbert came upon a horde of zombies trying to cross the busy street. Being the good samaritan he is, Gilbert decided to help the poor zombies across the road. Granted, he felt obligated to help them because of his countless hours of murdering them in a video game. His big heart and guilt got the better of him.

As Gilbert held out his hand to help the rotting people, they quickly pounced on him and started eating his flesh. Blood stained the streets as Gilbert smiled and thanked the zombies for eating him so politely. It was a slow death. Some of the zombies had lost their teeth so they had to gum Gilbert to death. Luckily, some zombies brought steak knives and forks to help the toothless. 8 hours later Gilbert died.

Video games kill! If Gilbert didn’t play video games and felt bad for zombies being mistreated, he might have brought his shotgun or chainsaw with him. He didn’t and he died because of his clouded judgement from a video game. We all can learn from Gilbert by not taking 15 minutes out of his day to get cheaper insurance with Geico. He couldn’t afford insurance for his car so he could just run the zombies over. Trust me, 15 minutes could save your life… Geico!

Woman Marries After Telling Xbox Off

Paula Sensen age 56 of Winnipesaukee,  NH,  finally got married for the first time after dating the same guy for 31 years.  After Joe Dodson age 40 went on  a 16 hour Call of Duty binge, Paula was fed up and screamed, “Get off that fucking XBOX… OFF… FUCK… XBOX… OFF!”

To her surprise, the Xbox gently powered down and sat there quietly waiting her next command. From that moment on Paula was in love. She was finally listened to and every command out of her mouth was executed without some smart-ass remark or bullshit excuse. For the first time in 31 years, Paula was understood.

Soon after, Joe was out on his ass without his beloved Xbox. He had no idea what happened. One moment he was making sweet love to his Xbox controller and the next his heart was stolen right out of his hands. He was expecting a catfight over him,  but baby, sweet, Xbox just gave up without a struggle. CHEATIN’ BITCH!

Later that day Paula and Mr.  Xbox got married. Paula said at her wedding reception, “there was just an instant Kinection between us. He is constantly turned on with just me talking. I couldn’t have found a better man. Tonight I’m going to turn him on so fast and push all his right buttons. I might even shove his power cord up my ass!”

Joe had no comment he was busy trying to buy a used Wii U.

Amazon Shopping Cart Collapses and Kills 100’s of Employees



The apocalypse has begun

Several Amazon shopping carts have collapsed under the pressure of Amazon Prime Day deals. There are reports of dead and injured employees.  Amazon is requesting aid from FEMA and the Air National Guard. We’ll keep you up-to-date as reports come in.


Warehouse 3 is on fire and thousands of deals are trapped! We can only pray no Xbox One deals are trapped. God help us all!


Reports are some deals have not reached 100% within seconds. It is believed those deals are trapped under pages of other deals already claimed.  My cart is getting crazy full and could crush my bank account at anytime.


My wife is pissed I keep adding “shit”  to our cart. I told her I’ll remove the items if Xbox One goes on sale. These are “just in case” deals.


Iran has put sanctions on Amazon for being unethical with their savings and the  POTUS is heading to a secure location.

This madness must continue until I get that Xbox One console I’ve wanted for weeks. Even if the Earth or Pluto has to suffer, I need this!

Best Buy Employee Fired for Not Caring Which Console a Customer Bought

After several hours of self-debating, Philip left his local Best Buy without a new gaming console. Later in an interview after his 9pm bubble bath and Cherry Blossom lotion application he said,  “I just couldn’t decide if I wanted an Xbox One or a Playstation 4. The sales associate was no help either. He kept telling me the pros and cons of each console. I started to get angry because he wouldn’t tell me which one I should buy. He even had the nerve to tell me he owned both. Who does that? He told me he was a PC gamer, at that point I saw his manager throw up in the trash and several of the cell phone associates looked deathly ill. ”


"His dick was this big"

We caught up with the manager to clarify the situation. ” We hired him because he said he was a gamer. We didn’t know he was so promiscuous in his gaming. It’s just revolting! It’s bad enough I need to have separate break rooms for the PC, consoles, and mobile sales associates, I don’t need a gaming whore spreading his diseases around the store. You would think this day-in-age he could control his disgusting habits or at least keep it a secret. ”

We were unlucky to catch up with Jason, the whore, at his house.  He was surrounded by unsterile retro gaming cartridges, PC collector’s editions and multiple different console from more than 1 company… Sorry,  I need to take a minute to gather my thoughts to sallow the bile building up.


The horror!

You can’t imagine the horror we had to witness and the pure filth of all those different types of games touching each other. Oh gawd, a hundred dead bodies massacred and left in a sauna would’ve been easier to deal with! I equipped a biohazard suit and braved the interview with Jason alone. My camera crew and stenographer couldn’t handle it.

Here’s the interview, but be warned if you’re faint of heart stop reading now.  Save your soul!


JASON: What do you mean?

Q: Why do you play games from…*BELCH*… different companies?

JASON: Why not? Games are fun and you shouldn’t have to choose what platform you play them on.  People need to be free and-


I decided to cancel the interview and leave quietly.  Just remember the moral to this story: It is never ok to play more than 1 gaming platform or you will die, horribly by several blunt objects around your house.  You might even get a gold Legend of Zelda cartridge forced down your esophagus. It sounded unpleasant, so don’t be a gaming whore.