Tag Archives: WoW

Gamers Outraged Ronda Rousey Plays Video Games

Last week Ronda Rousey came clean in an interview and told the world she loves playing video games before a fight. She expected gamers around the world to embrace her, but she was wrong…

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Ronda Rousey stunt woman posing next to a man's video game.

” She is delusional to think she can persuade gamers into getting in their pants” – Bob B. Bobert

” I think she thinks we think she is now cool because she plays video games. The truth is, we refuse to acknowledge we play video games because normal people don’t play games.” – Mike M.  Michaels

” I know how to fight.  I like to get sweaty while I watch UFC. You don’t see me proclaiming to be a UFC fighter. I’m a gamer; you can’t be both that’s absurd. ” – Bill B. Williams

” She used to be my hero for being an amazing role model for women in a male dominated sport, now she’s just seems needy trying to take over video games too. Leave video games to men, they need it to feel secure in their manliness. ” – Nacy N. Nanci

” I now feel incompetent in everything I do. Thanks Ronda Rousey for being better than the rest of the world! /sarcasm /tears” – Jen E.  Fur

“I can’t concentrate playing WoW anymore. Every time I play I’m aroused. I used to play WoW to avoid feeling like a sexual animal, now I’m a feral beast. My wife had to go to the hospital for a pelvic infection because we’ve been doing it so much. I’ll be billing Ronda Rousey!” – Beauty and the Beast

” I can’t stand her amazing body touching my games. Her soft skin glazed over her tight muscles is disgusting.  The way she looks so beautiful, yet so tough makes my stomach bile boil in my throat.” – George G. George

There are pages upon pages of outraged gamers on thousands  of forums. Even the UFC forums are ablaze with disappointed fans that play video games too. The commissioner of the UFC had this to say:

” We are deeply saddened Ronda Rousey has decided to take video games away from the people that deserve them. We have been in talks for several days to come up with a punishment for her. The UFC board of directors has decided to ban Ronda from publicly talking about video games. She will be required to tell the world she was just kidding and she was just posing next to a kids open laptop. We’ve advised her to go to a local tabletop gaming store and beat up a couple people.

We’ve talk to Blizzard Entertainment and they have assured us they will ban her account and refund her all subscription fees.  They took extra measures by linking her mobile authenticator to the local police department. If she goes within 90 yards of WoW she will be electrocuted.”

Later that day Ronda Rousey had this to say:

“I sincerely regret posing as a gamer. I feel it was a bad judgement on my part and it will not happen again.  We all know athletes do not play video games, especially female athletes. Frankly, women shouldn’t play video games anyways; it is a male only hobby and should stay that way. Women need to know their place in this world and they don’t need to be meddling in other worlds when they can’t handle the real one to begin with. Again, I’m deeply sorry I played a sick joke on the superior male race and it won’t happen again. ”

So there you have it, she won’t over step her bounds anymore. We’ve learned men need to be men and as ignorant as it is, it’s the right thing.

Studies Confirm Your Wife has Gamedar

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The apocalypse had begun!

A breakthrough in the study of Extra Sensory Perception (ESP) at the University of California has discovered wives develop a 6th sense called, Gamedar. They don’t know exactly when it develops, but they’ve narrowed it down to be between eating wedding cake and having sex for the fist time after being married. Because men need cake and sex, there is no stopping the ESP from maturing. Our only hope is to find how it is spread.

The University of Texas suggests Gamedar is transmitted through the tossing of the bouquet. Some men have tried plastic flowers in hopes the disease cannot spread via artificial bouquets. So far, all attempt to stop the spread of Gamedar has failed. Several weddings have banned bouquet tossing, but the University of Texas believes women preform a secret witch ritual that involves all pets in the household. If the wife is gone for any reason, the pets are activated and we’ll ruin any gaming session by: vomiting, pooping on controllers, urinating everywhere, fighting, running in traffic, faking a hairball, and laying on keyboards.

The frat houses at Harvard University are working around the clock to formulate a vaccine for this horrible disease. In their studies they’ve put together a checklist to help engaged men spot an early onset of Gamedar. Here is that checklist:

1. Your fiancee watches you play video games and smiles semi-evilly.

2. Your fiancee asks you stupid ass questions while you’re playing simple games like Angry Birds.

3. Your fiancee happily grabs a controller and “tries”  to play too.

4. Your fiancee touches your penis more while you’re playing video games.

5. Your fiancee tells you she doesn’t mind you raiding all night while her friends are out having a great time at the bar. She just loves you so much she wants to spend every moment with you.

If you see any of these symptoms, please call 1-888-GAMEDAR. Our operators are standing by 24/7 to help you through this crisis.  Act now and we’ll throw in World of Warcraft’s 3rd expansion, Cataclysm, for free.

Millions of WoW Subscribers are Confused

Millions of World of Warcraft subscribers are Confused as they wait less than an hour for the new expansion to be announced. They are all worried about the same thing:

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"Do I have enough time to masturbate?"

Here at Couture Gaming we’ve come up with a quick checklist to help you figure out if you have enough time to masturbate before the next WoW expansion is announced.

1. Have you masturbated in the past 5 min?
          A. YES- you’ve filled your quota for the day. Please wait quietly and do not go on social media and tell everyone you’re done.
          B. NO- As quickly  as you can go to Sears and get a new catalog. HURRY!

2. Do you have asthma?
          A.  YES- STOP! Please consult your physician before any further WoW expansion news.
          B.  NO- STOP! Just stop please. You have issues.

3. Do you currently own all WoW expansions and do not have an active subscription?
          A. YES- Proceed to masturbate at your leisure. Don’t worry about the expansion, masturbation is your thing and you don’t need an excuse.
          B. NO- You do not have time to masturbate. You need to buy all the previous expansion before you’re allowed to cuff one off.

4. Is your cat/dog watching you?
          A.  YES- Go feed your pet in a different room before you scar the poor thing for the rest of its life.
          B. NO- Clean up when you’re done.

5. Is your spouse watching you with 3 of their hottest friends?
          A. YES- You lie and you’re too sad to masturbate now. Just sit in front of your computer and wait
You liar!
          B.  NO I’m single- Fire away!

Blizzard Admits to Reporting Fraudulent Subscription Numbers

Hours before Blizzard announces their 6th expansion for World of Warcraft, their CEO admitted to lying about subscription numbers. In the official press release Michael Morhaime said,

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Who gives a shit? Just take my money!

“I’m very excited to say this, but we’ve been lying about the decline in WoW subscription numbers. Currently we are not at 5.2 million subscribers, we’re at 1.2 billion. This lie has been tickling at  my heavily padded shoulders for years now. Since the failure of the highly anticipated MMO, Warhammer Online, we decided to lie about our numbers to make the public think we kind of suck too. We didn’t want the public to think we were as awesome as we really are. Everybody at Blizzard Entertainment has tested every MMO since WoW came out and we know how sad and how shitty those other MMOs are. We felt bad for them. We thought we could inspire them to suck less if they thought they could come close to our numbers, but unfortunately they just focused on the worst part of MMO, fun. Everybody knows fun is overrated and you get more revenue from pissed off players.

With the new expansion being revealed today we decided to tell the truth. We wanted all those other MMOs to know, “yes, you suck!”, so they can get on with their lives and stop trying to beat us. It’s sad really. They’re like starving peasants begging for a moldy piece of bread. I’d spit on them, but then one of my taste buds would go hungry. ”

We’ll find out later today what their new expansion theme is. It really doesn’t matter because out of 1 million people polled, 89% of them just want to waste their money for no reason. I’m definitely going to subscribe today even if the new expansion is rainbow pony themed. I hope you subscribe too!

100% of WoW Players are Totally Happy with the Direction the Game is Going

Today Blizzard published last quarter’s customer satisfaction survey and the results were as expected.  Players of their worldwide successful MMO,  World of Warcraft (WoW), agree they are 100% satisfied with the game and the direction the game is going. This morning the forums are buzzing with radiant positivity. Here are some of the forum threads popping up:

Title: PvP FINALLY Balanced!!!

Today I love PvP!  I queued for battleground after battleground and was so happy! I don’t remember how many times we lost or how many times that Rogue one-shotted me, but I do belive this is the most balance the game has ever been. Shoot, I never got a spell off because I was dying so fast or I was CC’d for an ungodly about of time, but I could feel everybody was on equal ground. Just truly amazing day!

Title: LFR has to be the best way to play!

I just can’t believe how awesome people are in LFR since the last patch. Blizzard I salute you and your awesome game. You’ve finally made everybody happy.  Even after we wiped 6 times on trash because all of our healers went AFK at the same time without saying anything, we had a joyous time talking while we waited. We even had wonderful conversations about homosexual people and African-Americans. People were complementing each other on their skill and enjoying the time we all had together.  I chalk this up to WoW having the best community in the world. Thanks Blizzard!

Title: I just need to get this off my chest…

I love you all! You’ve made me a better person. Even my wife enjoys me playing WoW with you instead of taking care of our kids or cleaning the house. I could just live in WoW and hug you all! Thank you!

Unfortunately,  in the light of all this positively Blizzard fired all their forums moderators. Since there is no need to censor what people post, there is no need for moderators.

Tomorrow, Blizzard plans on rolling a new patch out without testing it.  Here are some patch notes:

1. Removed class spec requirements for LFR queueing.

2. Added a new 5 min stun-lock ability to Rogues with a 100% chance to critical strike everything within the zone or PvP map.

3. Made all servers PvP

4. Deleted all characters that haven’t logged in… Now

5. Made all zones underwater

6. Removed everything from game enabling characters to breath underwater

7. $20 a month

8. Removed cancellation button from everywhere

9. Gave Tauren giant penises as requested

10. Fired Quality Assurance department