Tag Archives: world of Warcraft

GAMERS’ MISSED CONNECTIONS

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I hope we can get to 3rd base

Here at Couture Gaming we believe in true love and we hate to see when love is missed.  To help this we’ve complied a list of missed connection from several gaming forums. If you happen to be one of these people, we sincerely hope you find your lost love.

World of Warcraft

“To the Worgan in Goldshire on Argent Dawn server,

I saw you upstairs in the inn dancing. I don’t know what attracted me to you, but the way the light bounced of your hairy back got my excited. I could only dream of the day your sharp claws would dig into my back and your tier 2 oversized, transmogged shoulder pad awkwardly bump into mine as we kiss. Please if you were a level 100 Worgan Warrior hanging out in the Lion’s Pride at 10am on the 19 of August, meet me back there tomorrow for some intense role playing. Be prepared to get your fur all musty.

“Dear LFR Healer,

I really don’t care who you are, but could you please heal me. I’m a 23 year old lonely Rogue looking for some heals once and awhile in LFR. I’m willing to fall in love with any healer willing to heal me just once. You will save me thousands in repair costs. I just need a little healing… Please
-signed- Lonely Dead LFR Rogue

EVE Online

“To the overly serious dude shouting F’bombs in voice chat,

Gawd, you talk so dirty when we’re losing a battle in EVE. I get so horny when you become violent and start beating on your computer. Last night while we were being ambushed from the rear I thought about you a lot. I was sad you were not on because  I knew you’d flip out more than necessary.  I feel we would are a great team because I like to play games and get pissed off too. We need to log into Skype someday and just yell at each other.

Neverwinter on Xbox One

“To the gold spammers,

I’m sorry I missed that in chat, what’s the website again… ”

Call of Duty

” To Earl Gray,

While playing Call of Duty last night I noticed you camping me and teabagging me. I just wanted you to know I enjoyed hours of watching your ass smack me in the face while I waited for my respawn timer to reset. I appreciate your dedication and would like your real home address so we can get to know each other better. Of it’s ok I’d like to in its my friend Louisville Slugger to come meet you face to face. I’m sure you’ll love him and quickly become blood brothers.

General

” Dear male gamers,

I’m looking for that guy that doesn’t think I want to have sex with him because I’m a female gamer. I know he’s out there. A guy that just wants to have fun and play games without mentioning his penis or my breasts in “casual”  conversation. I know I missed you because so far I haven’t found you playing the games I play. Yes, I’m a female gamer. No, I do not want to get busy with you. Yes,  I’m married. No, I won’t get on Webcam and show you my tits. Yes, I’m looking for mature male gamers. No,  I’m not a ugly slut. I just wanted to clear that up because I mis playing games with you ALWAYS.

From all of us at Couture Gaming, happy gaming and we hope you find that special someone someday.

Millions of WoW Subscribers are Confused

Millions of World of Warcraft subscribers are Confused as they wait less than an hour for the new expansion to be announced. They are all worried about the same thing:

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"Do I have enough time to masturbate?"

Here at Couture Gaming we’ve come up with a quick checklist to help you figure out if you have enough time to masturbate before the next WoW expansion is announced.

1. Have you masturbated in the past 5 min?
          A. YES- you’ve filled your quota for the day. Please wait quietly and do not go on social media and tell everyone you’re done.
          B. NO- As quickly  as you can go to Sears and get a new catalog. HURRY!

2. Do you have asthma?
          A.  YES- STOP! Please consult your physician before any further WoW expansion news.
          B.  NO- STOP! Just stop please. You have issues.

3. Do you currently own all WoW expansions and do not have an active subscription?
          A. YES- Proceed to masturbate at your leisure. Don’t worry about the expansion, masturbation is your thing and you don’t need an excuse.
          B. NO- You do not have time to masturbate. You need to buy all the previous expansion before you’re allowed to cuff one off.

4. Is your cat/dog watching you?
          A.  YES- Go feed your pet in a different room before you scar the poor thing for the rest of its life.
          B. NO- Clean up when you’re done.

5. Is your spouse watching you with 3 of their hottest friends?
          A. YES- You lie and you’re too sad to masturbate now. Just sit in front of your computer and wait
You liar!
          B.  NO I’m single- Fire away!

Blizzard Admits to Reporting Fraudulent Subscription Numbers

Hours before Blizzard announces their 6th expansion for World of Warcraft, their CEO admitted to lying about subscription numbers. In the official press release Michael Morhaime said,

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Who gives a shit? Just take my money!

“I’m very excited to say this, but we’ve been lying about the decline in WoW subscription numbers. Currently we are not at 5.2 million subscribers, we’re at 1.2 billion. This lie has been tickling at  my heavily padded shoulders for years now. Since the failure of the highly anticipated MMO, Warhammer Online, we decided to lie about our numbers to make the public think we kind of suck too. We didn’t want the public to think we were as awesome as we really are. Everybody at Blizzard Entertainment has tested every MMO since WoW came out and we know how sad and how shitty those other MMOs are. We felt bad for them. We thought we could inspire them to suck less if they thought they could come close to our numbers, but unfortunately they just focused on the worst part of MMO, fun. Everybody knows fun is overrated and you get more revenue from pissed off players.

With the new expansion being revealed today we decided to tell the truth. We wanted all those other MMOs to know, “yes, you suck!”, so they can get on with their lives and stop trying to beat us. It’s sad really. They’re like starving peasants begging for a moldy piece of bread. I’d spit on them, but then one of my taste buds would go hungry. ”

We’ll find out later today what their new expansion theme is. It really doesn’t matter because out of 1 million people polled, 89% of them just want to waste their money for no reason. I’m definitely going to subscribe today even if the new expansion is rainbow pony themed. I hope you subscribe too!

100% of WoW Players are Totally Happy with the Direction the Game is Going

Today Blizzard published last quarter’s customer satisfaction survey and the results were as expected.  Players of their worldwide successful MMO,  World of Warcraft (WoW), agree they are 100% satisfied with the game and the direction the game is going. This morning the forums are buzzing with radiant positivity. Here are some of the forum threads popping up:

Title: PvP FINALLY Balanced!!!

Today I love PvP!  I queued for battleground after battleground and was so happy! I don’t remember how many times we lost or how many times that Rogue one-shotted me, but I do belive this is the most balance the game has ever been. Shoot, I never got a spell off because I was dying so fast or I was CC’d for an ungodly about of time, but I could feel everybody was on equal ground. Just truly amazing day!

Title: LFR has to be the best way to play!

I just can’t believe how awesome people are in LFR since the last patch. Blizzard I salute you and your awesome game. You’ve finally made everybody happy.  Even after we wiped 6 times on trash because all of our healers went AFK at the same time without saying anything, we had a joyous time talking while we waited. We even had wonderful conversations about homosexual people and African-Americans. People were complementing each other on their skill and enjoying the time we all had together.  I chalk this up to WoW having the best community in the world. Thanks Blizzard!

Title: I just need to get this off my chest…

I love you all! You’ve made me a better person. Even my wife enjoys me playing WoW with you instead of taking care of our kids or cleaning the house. I could just live in WoW and hug you all! Thank you!

Unfortunately,  in the light of all this positively Blizzard fired all their forums moderators. Since there is no need to censor what people post, there is no need for moderators.

Tomorrow, Blizzard plans on rolling a new patch out without testing it.  Here are some patch notes:

1. Removed class spec requirements for LFR queueing.

2. Added a new 5 min stun-lock ability to Rogues with a 100% chance to critical strike everything within the zone or PvP map.

3. Made all servers PvP

4. Deleted all characters that haven’t logged in… Now

5. Made all zones underwater

6. Removed everything from game enabling characters to breath underwater

7. $20 a month

8. Removed cancellation button from everywhere

9. Gave Tauren giant penises as requested

10. Fired Quality Assurance department