Tag Archives: the taken king

Bungie Brought up on Charges for Destiny The Taken King

 

Today Bungie was accused of creating excessive pain in all female vaginas. Their latest mission and future missions to acquire exotic items are said to be a “pain in the cunt :)” 
I contacted Bungie to see if they have any employees experiencing cunt pain during exotic mission hunting and this is what they said:

“We are throughly investigating these outbreaks of cunt pain as we speak. We have taken several female employees to the OB/GYN to get an extensive check up. We even to further steps and sent several men to the doctor for pains in their ass while playing the game. We are sincerely sorry if our game has caused anybody cunt or ass pain. We recommend kegal exercises and prostate milking to avoid further discomfort. “

While Bungie is looking into this problem, I am going to go home and make sure my wife hasn’t experienced any Bad Juju while I’ve been playing Destiny. 

Please seek medical attention right away if you experience any cunt pain while playing Destiny. Do not play Destiny if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or have a catheter installed. If pain in the region persists, discontinue use of Destiny or ice the area while playing missions. Of a doctor is not available find a more than happy male to investigate the pain. If you are a male experiencing severe ass pain, take some Midol you sissy! 

10 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT DESTINY’S THE TAKEN KING

On September 15th Bungie will release the second year of Destiny with The Taken King. For the next few weeks Bungie will be doing informational developer streams on Twitch to help clear up what the Taken King will bring I  year 2. Yesterday was the first developer stream where they talked about all the changes with the Tower and your inventory slots. As informative as it was, it was boring. Nobody really gives a crap about the Tower changes. This was apparent in the comment section of the stream; over 200,000 viewers screamed LAME simultaneously. I screamed it 3 or 4 times.

image

Dread... Not in my house!

Luckily for you, I visited Bungie last week and have the full scoop on The Taken King. Here is a list of ten amazing things you didn’t know about The Taken King:

1. There were 3 new planets planned for The Taken King, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto. They picked those three planets because they were the 1st, middle and last planets in our solar system. Unfortunately, Pluto is still a huge flame war in the astronomy field and Bungie did not want to have those nerds fighting about it on their forums. The thought of having stupid gamer nerds and educated planetary nerds arguing on Destiny’s forums was just too much negativity for Bungie. They decided to forget about planets and have a ship bigger than their current planets. Everybody is happy now!

2. The Taken King expansion was originally a holiday event called, The Giver King.  Bungie decided to scrap the holiday event because it didn’t provide any revenue for them. The idea of giving something to people and not just taking it, was stupid to them.

3. Lore wise, Corota and the Taken King were not on speaking terms. The Taken King was always trying to impress his mother, but Corota was an attention whore always 1-upping him. When Corota died from the guardians the Taken King only attacked because he felt his mother didn’t love him as much as her grandson.

Later the Taken King found out from his mother Corota was not his son. When the Taken King was on a business trip his wife had sex with The Speaker. The Speaker was scared the Taken King would find out so he sought the help of The Traveler and guardians to protect him. Grandma couldn’t keep her damn mouth shut, so now the guardians have to protect The Speaker because he can’t keep his dick in his pants.

4. Bungie plans on coming out with action figures like Skylanders. They planned on the figures shipping with The Taken King, but they ran into delays because Apple was working their employees long hours for the iPhone 7. According to child labor laws, you can only work 24 hours a day. Even after Bungie made a 29 hour clock, they were not allowed to use their employees.

5. Bungie planned for players to use their ships to fight the Dreadnaught on the outside before they could access the inside. After much debate, Bungie removed the space fighting from the game because they knew players would be pissed about their loading screen having a purpose.  Don’t worry players, your loading screen ship will still be there to watch if you don’t get up to go pee.

6. The Dreadnaught was originally planned to have 2 raids. Bungie decided that would be too much content for $40 and plans to release the second raid 3 months later for $20.

7. The Vault and your new collection blueprints were all together in the Vault kiosks in the tower. Bungie thought it was too efficient so they split it all up in multiple locations just to have people run around and waste time in The Tower. They argued it is more immersing if people do what they normally do daily, have their head up their asses.

8. You can now use your Ghost in The Tower to train like a Jedi. You can even switch the voice back to Pete Dinklage and his lifeless commentary if you want to train the Darkside.

9. Your Ghost almost had a female version  of the voice to choose from. Bungie decided it was too distracting for teenage boys and they would never stop trying to touch their Ghost’s boobies. Also, Siri was busy getting people lost on the Boston turnpike.

10. The Dreadnaught is shaped like a penis and you are Rick Moranis trying to reach the tip to save humanity.