This is a new series of posts we’re doing here at Couture Gaming. These survival guides will help you break out of funks in games or teach you how to survive when you thought you were dead. Trust me, you’re not dead you’re reading this. Today’s survival Guide focuses on surviving isolation in a MMO zone. It doesn’t matter what MMO it is because being all by yourself in a zone can be super scary. Here are a few tips to help you:
1. TRADE CHAT: A go-to resource in most MMOs is Trade Chat or a Market Chat. The people in Trade Chat are pretty analysis about things so they are the perfect people to help you out of a dead zone. They always give great advice and are super polite. Always start a conversation with the words “anal” and a spell you use often. It helps break the ice. Here is an example: Anal [Killing Blow] ‘d myself into a deserted zone! Please help me Anal [Thrust] my way out of here.
Within seconds 100’s of helpful people will be responding gleefully. You’ll find yourself out of that zone in no time flat. (WARNING: Never EVER, use Chuck Norris in Trade Chat if you are alone in a zone. Seriously, Chuck Norris never is alone and he isn’t a whiney bitch that asks for help. Don’t you dare use his name in Trade Chat. Chuck Norris will personally permadeath your character with his Beard of Justice.)
2. COOKIES AND MILK: Step away from your computer for a second and think about your situation. A good glass of warm milk and a dozen cookies will help clear your mind. It is extremely frightening to be in a zone all by yourself, so treat yourself to a delicious snack. Sometimes the best way out of a bad situation is to eat your fears away to think clearly. Going overboard on the caloric intake is a must. It adds fat to your body just in case you can’t find a way out of the zone for days. It also cushions the brain’s sensory nodes to help you feel pleasure while distraught. It’s kind of like S&M for the brain. (WARNING: Refrain from eating more than a dozen cookies and drink king a liter of milk in one zone lost session. Cookies and milk overdose can cause involuntary braingasms. Braingasms have been know to make players comatose and crave lonely zone situations. DOUBLE WARNING: If you find you are having a braingasm and continue to eat cookies, do NOT go to your bed. Eating cookies in bed is lethal. People have been know to mistake shit stains for lost chocolate chips. In a lonely zone, braingasm, comatose, cookie bed eating state, you have a higher chance of poop eating. TRIPLE WARNING: If you haven’t eaten cookies in bed for quite some time, do not lick the sheets. You’re obviously just licking shit. Wear some underwear to bed jeezus!)
3. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Did you know customer service is always standing by? They are! Just go to the in game help area to contact your friendly and always, totally helpful customer service representative. They might be annoys by your incompetence in finding your way out of the zone and they might wonder how the hell you made it out of your mother’s womb, but they’re happy to help. When speaking to customer service: state your name clearly (do not shout at monitor), tell them your coordinates (if you can, because your too incompetent to even find an exit), don’t use l33t speak or they will run you into a gaggle-fuck of higher level monsters, and don’t show fear (customer service gets a kick out of isolated characters and any sign you are not in control of your emotions, they will rip your jugular open in seconds). (WARNING: Dont back-sass customer service or they will hack into your account and ride your character long and hard when you’re not on. You don’t want to log into the game after being riden that hard. Your character will purposefully make your W key stick right off a cliff. You don’t want that so keep your sass to yourself!)
If you find yourself lost and alone in a game, remember these three survival tips. Of you don’t remember them or you failed to read this super helpful website, you deserve to go straight to hell alone. Because we are really nice here at Couture Gaming and understand our readers have problems with their brains, we will give a bonus tip.
BONUS: Use a paper bag and take deep breaths. (WARNING: Make sure the bag wasn’t used to capture elusive farts. I’ve accidentally hyperventilate into a fart bag. It is a sure way to get you a quick trip to the ER. Check your bag thoroughly before huffing on it. A bag full of killer bees can be bad too.)