Tag Archives: Staying Alive

Birth of a Gamer: Prelude

Against popular beliefs, you can not pray the gamer out of a person. You are born a gamer and you will always be a gamer no matter how much you try to hide it. Stop wasting your time and effort on your facade and be a proud gamer. Embrace your game and follow along with me through the month of August as I tell the tale of the greatest gamer that ever lived, Mr. Couture.

Before gaming was a thing and before humans could imagine being a gamer, life was filled with so much boredom people did truckloads of drugs. Not that they still don’t do drugs, they just do less because they can’t puff and use a controller at the same time. During this time of ridiculous amounts of drugs, people had sex spontaneously. Nobody really cared who they had sex with, as long as that person had enough drugs make the sex forgettable. This was the time Mr. Couture was conceived.

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A massive blast from that past!

Of course his parents were married and only half-baked on drugs, but still, his parents were sex animals. I’m not saying his parents were sluts, but his dad was known to have the biggest sprinkler in town.  I’m sure he mainly watered his own lawn, but during the hot summer it is always nice to help a smoking hot neighbor out if possible.

Mr. Couture’s parents met 4 years prior to his conception. At that time they didn’t know they were about to make the the world’s most famous gamer with sex and drugs. Sure they knew about blunts, butt plugs, 69’s, and the occasional Shocker, but they had no idea what their future held. His father’s balls were held every night and his mother’s hair was held back after a bad shroom trip, but the future was crazy man.

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Who's your daddy?

9 months prior to August 1974, Mr. Couture’ s parents enacted Staying Alive the triple-X version. The public records recorded several disturbing noises coming from his parents house and the turkey was overly basted. Not going into too much detail, but let’s just say they finished a long game of Twister and broke several condoms. Several landfills could be the key to cloning Mr. Couture in the future. Start digging people!

Over the 9 month incubation period, Mr. Couture started planning his future as a gamer. During that time his favorite games to play were Punch Out: Vagina Edition and World of Wombcraft or WoW for short. The bigger he grew and the more he leveled up, he sought more gaming challenges and dreamt of being the world’s greatest gamer that ever lived. First, he needed to get the hell out his mother’s belly. He was very annoyed by his father constantly knocking on the back door to see if anybody was home and his mother screaming, “OH GOD! OH GOD, YES! COME IN YOU BIG BOY!”

AUGUST

It finally happened in August. Mr. Couture was born and he was free to pursue his dreams. Over the next 31 days in August,  I will tell you more about Mr. Couture and his life as I he remembers it. This is a true account of his life and how those around him remember him in his early years. From the second the doctor spanked his ass and wiped the nasty vaj fluids off him, people have been following Mr. Couture’s every step through life. He is a treasure to them and from that first day they knew he was special, in the head. To them the day he was born is not important, it is important to celebrate his life every year for the whole month of August. Even after 41 years Mr. Couture makes sure people worship him for the whole month by showering him in presents. He could give two shits about love and admiration, he’s just content with the presents.

Every day I’ll post a  minimum of a year of his life. Because Mr. Couture is going to be 41, there will need to be 41 posts to cover his whole life. There will be days you are treated with 2 or more years of his awesomeness. You’ll just have to keep reading and beg for more. I like begging. Every post will be reposted at the end in the page titled: Birth of a Gamer Biography. You can find a link to that page at the top of the website.

I hope you enjoy the story.  Take the time tell me what you liked most about Mr. Couture’s life and how I’m doing. Thank you all and I’d like to thank Mr. Couture for giving me this opportunity to tell such a great story about him. Look for Year One: Birth of a Gamer Saturday.