I’m sorry to bring you sad news today, but there has been a horrible train derailment. Our reporters rushed to the scene as soon as possible and we’re horrified at the mass carnage layer before them. Our extremely professional reporters used every ounce of their being to bring you this gut-wrenching story.
WARNING: WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO READ IS EXTREMELY UPSETTING AND IS GRAPHIC IN NATURE. THERE WILL BE BAD LANGUAGE, MISUSED PUNCTUATION, EMOTIONAL STATEMENTS, AND OVEREXAGGERATION.
You’ve been warned…
REPOTER: Please tell us what happened here.
PASSENGER1: It was awful! I was riding the train all happy drinking my alcoholic beverage when- BAM! KAPOW! SLONGKIE!… I was thrust out of my computer chair on to the floor. My head was spinning so bad, I shit my pants. Not just a squirt either. This was full log. I’m not sure if I should quit drinking or wear diapers.
REPORTER: No we mean what happened to the train?
PASSENGER1: Oh, we were fucking lied to plain and simple. People were killed today because of the lies.
REPORTER: Excuse me Mrs. can you tell Couture Gaming what happened today?
PASSENGER2: I don’t know I can. I’m all shaken up by this still. All I remember is grabbing my 2 babies and thrusting them into my giant boossum to plug their ears from the horrific sounds. I just kept yelling, “Lord Jesus please save my babies! Save my babies!”
REPORTER: Sir, can you tell us about the train?
REPORTER: Ok, can you expand on that and tell us more in detail what happened to the Hype Train?
REPORTER: Damn it dude are you on drugs?
REPORTER: Well, looks like he passed out.
REPORTER: Good day Sir. Can you describe what happened here today?
BYSTANDER: Sure young man. I was walking by this convention hall and I saw a bunch of nerds crying. I tried to ask what happened expecting a blood massacre or some other tragedy, but they all started blabbering about a game. They acted like the human race was dying from the plague and it was just a stupid ass game. The last time I saw this many grown en cry was when the Patriots won their first Super Bowl.
It’s sad our kids these days take video games so seriously they cry over them. I mean, what whiney little babies. Computers and the Internet are ruining our culture. We should all damn the devil machines and *THWAMP*
REPORTER: I’m sorry that old man was delirious and needed to be put out of his misery. Taking about devil computers and crap. Today is a day of great sadness and he tries to make us be all neanderthals and shit again. We’re all deeply saddened by these horrible events today and hope we can recover. It will take time to heal these wounds and it might take years of publicly bashing the company involved in this, but sooner or later we’ll rejoice when the file for bankruptcy or die and a office fire.