Tag Archives: humor

BLOGGER LAPSES INTO A COMA AFTER WRITING FOR 21 DAYS STRAIGHT

Devastating news for bloggers today participating in an event called Blaugust, a blogger by the name of Scarybooster has lapsed into a coma. After writing blog posts for 21 days straight his mind gave out on him. One minute he was laughing at his own jokes in a post and the next minute he was in a coma. He was brought to the hospital at 1am this morning showing no signs of a quick recovery. Only once our hopes rose as he was getting a sponge bath by an extremely hot nurse. Even though he didn’t wake up he smiled and quickly got an erection.

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You bet I do!

We are deeply saddened by this news and our prayers go out to his family. We do not want this to happen to anybody else so we complied a list of symptoms to look for if you know or are someone doing Blaugust. Please,  seek medical attention and stop blogging if you experience any of these symptoms.

1. A feeling of attention grabbing title.

2. Lack of desire to post, but force yourself anyways.

3. The feeling nobody gives a shit what you just wrote including yourself.

4. The urge to delete your blog.

5. Uncontrollable licking of a stick of butter.

6. Checking your stats every 5 seconds

7. Writing shit just to fill the quota

8. Reading shit in hopes you get inspiration to write not-so shitty.

9. Looking at the calendar in hopes it’s September.

10. Masturbating in between paragraphs for excitement.

11. Writing a stupid list to get other bored Blaugust participants to read it.

12. Sticking your head in the freezer and slamming the door on your neck repeatedly.

13. Urinating on your neighbors dog.

14. Staying up late crying because you can’t think of a post for tomorrow.

15. Doing the dishes instead.

16. Random fits of rage yelling Belghast’s name.

17. Reading League of Legends forums for fun.

18. Buying a used copy of Matrix Online at a yard sale.

19. Watching Donald Trump speak about politics and agreeing with him.

20. Wishing NaNoWriMo was this month too.

Again, if you see or experience any of these symptoms seek mental attention from a licensed physician or hot nurse. We at Couture Gaming are worried about your sanity and lackluster posts.

HYPE TRAIN DERAILS AND INJURES THOUNSANDS

I’m sorry to bring you sad news today, but there has been a horrible train derailment. Our reporters rushed to the scene as soon as possible and we’re horrified at the mass carnage layer before them. Our extremely professional reporters used every ounce of their being to bring you this gut-wrenching story.

WARNING: WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO READ IS EXTREMELY UPSETTING AND IS GRAPHIC IN NATURE.  THERE WILL BE BAD LANGUAGE, MISUSED PUNCTUATION, EMOTIONAL STATEMENTS, AND OVEREXAGGERATION.

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This wouldn't be funny if it was a real train with Canadians on it.

You’ve been warned…
INTERVIEW 1

REPOTER: Please tell us what happened here.

PASSENGER1: It was awful! I was riding the train all happy drinking my alcoholic beverage when- BAM! KAPOW! SLONGKIE!… I was thrust out of my computer chair on to the floor.  My head was spinning so bad,  I shit my pants. Not just a squirt either. This was full log. I’m not sure if I should quit drinking or wear diapers.

REPORTER: No we mean what happened to the train?

PASSENGER1: Oh, we were fucking lied to plain and simple.  People were killed today because of the lies.

INTERVIEW 2

REPORTER: Excuse me Mrs. can you tell Couture Gaming what happened today?

PASSENGER2: I don’t know I can. I’m all shaken up by this still. All I remember is grabbing my 2 babies and thrusting them into my giant boossum to plug their ears from the horrific sounds. I just kept yelling,  “Lord Jesus please save my babies! Save my babies!” 

INTERVIEW 3

REPORTER: Sir, can you tell us about the train?

PASSENGER3: Yes

REPORTER: Ok, can you expand on that and tell us more in detail what happened to the Hype Train?

PASSENGER3: Yup.

REPORTER: Damn it dude are you on drugs?

PASSENGER3:

REPORTER: Well, looks like he passed out.

INTERVIEW 4

REPORTER: Good day Sir. Can you describe what happened here today?

BYSTANDER: Sure young man. I was walking by this convention hall and I saw a bunch of nerds crying. I tried to ask what happened expecting a blood massacre or some other tragedy, but they all started blabbering about a game. They acted like the human race was dying from the plague and it was just a stupid ass game. The last time I saw this many grown en cry was when the Patriots won their first Super Bowl. 

It’s sad our kids these days take video games so seriously they cry over them. I mean, what whiney little babies. Computers and the Internet are ruining our culture. We should all damn the devil machines and *THWAMP*

REPORTER: I’m sorry that old man was delirious and needed to be put out of his misery. Taking about devil computers and crap. Today is a day of great sadness and he tries to make us be all neanderthals and shit again. We’re all deeply saddened by these horrible events today and hope we can recover. It will take time to heal these wounds and it might take years of publicly bashing the company involved in this, but sooner or later we’ll rejoice when the file for bankruptcy or die and a office fire.

Survival Guide: Alone in an MMO Zone

This is a new series of posts we’re  doing here at Couture Gaming. These survival guides will help you break out of funks in games or teach you how to survive when you thought you were dead. Trust me, you’re not dead you’re reading this. Today’s survival Guide focuses on surviving isolation in a MMO zone. It doesn’t matter what MMO it is because being all by yourself in a zone can be super scary. Here are a few tips to help you:

1. TRADE CHAT: A go-to resource in most MMOs is Trade Chat or a Market Chat. The people in Trade Chat are pretty analysis about things so they are the perfect people to help you out of a dead zone. They always give great advice and are super polite. Always start a conversation with the words “anal”  and a spell you use often. It helps break the ice. Here is an example: Anal [Killing Blow] ‘d myself into a deserted zone! Please help me Anal [Thrust] my way out of here.

Within seconds 100’s of helpful people will be responding gleefully. You’ll find yourself out of that zone in no time flat. (WARNING: Never EVER, use Chuck Norris in Trade Chat if you are alone in a zone. Seriously, Chuck Norris never is alone and he isn’t a whiney bitch that asks for help. Don’t you dare use his name in Trade Chat. Chuck Norris will personally permadeath your character with his Beard of Justice.)

2. COOKIES AND MILK: Step away from your computer for a second and think about your situation. A good glass of warm milk and a dozen cookies will help clear your mind. It is extremely frightening to be in a zone all by yourself, so treat yourself to a delicious snack. Sometimes the best way out of a bad situation is to eat your fears away to think clearly. Going overboard on the caloric intake is a must. It adds fat to your body just in case you can’t find a way out of the zone for days. It also cushions the brain’s sensory nodes to help you feel pleasure while distraught. It’s kind of like S&M for the brain. (WARNING: Refrain from eating more than a dozen cookies and drink king a liter of milk in one zone lost session. Cookies and milk overdose can cause involuntary braingasms. Braingasms have been know to make players comatose and crave lonely zone situations. DOUBLE WARNING: If you find you are having a braingasm and continue to eat cookies, do NOT go to your bed. Eating cookies in bed is lethal. People have been know to mistake shit stains for lost chocolate chips. In a lonely zone, braingasm, comatose, cookie bed eating state, you have a higher chance of poop eating. TRIPLE WARNING: If you haven’t eaten cookies in bed for quite some time, do not lick the sheets. You’re obviously just licking shit. Wear some underwear to bed jeezus!)

3. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Did you know customer service is always standing by? They are! Just go to the in game help area to contact your friendly and always, totally helpful customer service representative. They might be annoys by your incompetence in finding your way out of the zone and they might wonder how the hell you made it out of your mother’s womb, but they’re happy to help.  When speaking to customer service: state your name clearly (do not shout at monitor), tell them your coordinates (if you can, because your too incompetent to even find an exit), don’t use l33t speak or they will run you into a gaggle-fuck of higher level monsters, and don’t show fear (customer service gets a kick out of isolated characters and any sign you are not in control of your emotions, they will rip your jugular open in seconds). (WARNING: Dont back-sass customer service or they will hack into your account and ride your character long and hard when you’re not on. You don’t want to log into the game after being riden that hard. Your character will purposefully make your W key stick right off a cliff. You don’t want that so keep your sass to yourself!)

If you find yourself lost and alone in a game, remember these three survival tips. Of you don’t remember them or you failed to read this super helpful website, you deserve to go straight to hell alone. Because we are really nice here at Couture Gaming and understand our readers have problems with their brains, we will give a bonus tip.

BONUS: Use a paper bag and take deep breaths. (WARNING: Make sure the bag wasn’t used to capture elusive farts. I’ve accidentally hyperventilate into a fart bag. It is a sure way to get you a quick trip to the ER. Check your bag thoroughly before huffing on it. A bag full of killer bees can be bad too.)

Steam Approves Early Access for Game Titled: Muff Diving

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The new game on Steam Titled: Muff Diving, is the start of a new educational series of games for kids.

In Muff Diving kids to adults will learn how to make the best muffins they can in a deep sea diving expedition. The diving simulator will help them understand how hard it is to make muffins while wet. Even in the kitchen the moist environment will prove to be tough getting the muffins to rise before time runs out.

I spent hours banging away at Muff Diving and had a hard time getting it up to the point of success. My muffins were always so wet and I felt stress I was doing it wrong. The game is amazing and is very hard. I definitely thought it was hard Muff Diving!

If Muff Diving becomes a success the company,  BangoBrothers has a whole slew of simulation games in the works. Here is a list of titles we can look forward to:

1. Balls Deep: An underwater dodge ball esport game

2. Cock Block: A chicken simulation game made from Voxel blocks

3. Backdoor Action: A hardcore puzzle mystery game of doors after doors to open to solve the mystery.

4. Reverse Cowgirl: The first ever female only bull riding simulator. NO MEN ALLOWED! Well except the bull she rides long and hard.

5. Flower Garden: This is a hardcore sex simulation game and is not for kids. You must be 17 plus.

2015 MMO Blogger Meet Cancelled

It sucks I’m the bearer of bad news, but this year’s Blogger Dead Horse Beating Meating (BDHBM) has been cancelled. Unfortunately, they lost the contract for the dead horse storage facility and the meat smoker broke.  To top it all off, somebody stole their last Louisville Slugger. The committee frantically tied to find a horse assassin to schedule around the time of the meeting, but all horse assassins were booked for BlizzCon at that time. The BDHBM committee tried to reschedule the BDHBM for a later date, but to do that they would need a fresh dead horse to beat to hash out the details. Sadly, finding a fresh dead horse to beat is impossible without beating an old decayed dead horses first. By the time you got to the fresh dead horse it would be decayed and it’s against the rules to beat a new topic with a decayed dead horse.

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Here you've earned this!

I know it is sad, sad news, but think of it on the bright side, we have another year to find old-new topic to beat up. To help all the MMO bloggers out there discover old and exciting topic to pulverize ruthlessly for a year, I’ve compiled a list of topics past BDHBMs have covered.

Here are some past Beating Meating Reading topics:

1. X game is going free to play I just know it!: Panel discussion on why the game is going free to play and what date. Hats will be handed out so speculatory dates can placed it. At the last day of the convention a date will be drawn to be submitted to the game developers. In addition, the convention will hold a daily “F2P Bingo” with a small entry fee with a possible premium subscription pass.

2. Women’s armor in MMOs: The panel will discuss how it is degrading to women while the audience tells immature breast jokes. A slide show of inappropriate Eastern MMO styles will be shown. Later, there will be demos of the MMO to get a hands-on feel for how degrading mishandled boob jiggle physics can be.  A pention for women’s armor to include a built in sports bra, will be passed around.

3. Gamers’ toxicity levels: There will be group meditation after every MOBA presentation. Then, it will be followed by warm milk and cookies for snack. All negative bloggers will be placed in timeout for 15 min max or 1 min per how old they are.

4. Feelings Workshop: Bloggers will get a chance to tell everybody at the convention how they feel.  After their speech there will be a group hug.

5. Stats and how they affect your blogging: epeen rulers and calculators will be handed out at the door. The bloggers will be broken down into groups of 5 lead by the highest viewed blogger. All other bloggers will try to mimic their style. Only the leader can give advice and suggest blog titles for better views.

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The brown log is missing! Watch your step!

6. The Hype Train: Derailing and or stopping is not allowed during BDHBM. All Hype Trains will be fueled each day by:

Day 1: Green Log
Day 2: Yellow Log
Day 3: Red Log
Flight home: Brown Log

7. Sandbox vs.Theme park: The panel will discuss ways to identify which type of MMO you are playing. They will then give you the Bartle test to take home. You MUST figure out what kind d of player you are and if your favorite MMO fits you property based on your results. There is no option and you are not allowed to play the MMO type you are not compatible with.

8. Get your PvP out of my PvE: Bloggers will either read lengthy quest text out loud or wrestle in lemon jello. The readers are not allowed to eat the jello off the bodies of the wrestlers. On the other hand, jello wrestlers can’t read.

9. Grammar: Panel cancelled out of lack of interest.

10. Blogging vs. Journalism: The panel will give pointers on how not to be a “sellout”  and be proud you’re not getting paid for your work. They’ll also discuss how to belittle journalist to make their readers think getting paid to write is evil. A list of viable excuses to tell friends and family why you don’t get paid, will be handed out at the door.

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So much blood on the floor

So, there you have some popular topics to beat like a dead horse for another year. Continuity is the key to the Dead Horse Society. Here’s to another unproductive year of beating it until we go blind…

Best Buy Employee Fired for Not Caring Which Console a Customer Bought

After several hours of self-debating, Philip left his local Best Buy without a new gaming console. Later in an interview after his 9pm bubble bath and Cherry Blossom lotion application he said,  “I just couldn’t decide if I wanted an Xbox One or a Playstation 4. The sales associate was no help either. He kept telling me the pros and cons of each console. I started to get angry because he wouldn’t tell me which one I should buy. He even had the nerve to tell me he owned both. Who does that? He told me he was a PC gamer, at that point I saw his manager throw up in the trash and several of the cell phone associates looked deathly ill. ”

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"His dick was this big"

We caught up with the manager to clarify the situation. ” We hired him because he said he was a gamer. We didn’t know he was so promiscuous in his gaming. It’s just revolting! It’s bad enough I need to have separate break rooms for the PC, consoles, and mobile sales associates, I don’t need a gaming whore spreading his diseases around the store. You would think this day-in-age he could control his disgusting habits or at least keep it a secret. ”

We were unlucky to catch up with Jason, the whore, at his house.  He was surrounded by unsterile retro gaming cartridges, PC collector’s editions and multiple different console from more than 1 company… Sorry,  I need to take a minute to gather my thoughts to sallow the bile building up.

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The horror!

You can’t imagine the horror we had to witness and the pure filth of all those different types of games touching each other. Oh gawd, a hundred dead bodies massacred and left in a sauna would’ve been easier to deal with! I equipped a biohazard suit and braved the interview with Jason alone. My camera crew and stenographer couldn’t handle it.

Here’s the interview, but be warned if you’re faint of heart stop reading now.  Save your soul!

QUESTION: Why?!?!

JASON: What do you mean?

Q: Why do you play games from…*BELCH*… different companies?

JASON: Why not? Games are fun and you shouldn’t have to choose what platform you play them on.  People need to be free and-

“FUCK THAT! DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE! SATAN! DIE DIE DIE…”

I decided to cancel the interview and leave quietly.  Just remember the moral to this story: It is never ok to play more than 1 gaming platform or you will die, horribly by several blunt objects around your house.  You might even get a gold Legend of Zelda cartridge forced down your esophagus. It sounded unpleasant, so don’t be a gaming whore.