After last year’s Gamergate debacle, Jesus decided to lock the gate to make sure nothing else got out. Unfortunately, some asshole stole the key last week and let some more morons out. We talked to Jesus and this is what he had to say:
“I’m pissed! I can’t believe some asshat stole my keys again. I’m sick of it and when I find the douchebag I’m going to help Satan rip him/her limb from limb. Somethings you just have to do even if you go to hell. I’m willing to risk it for that new fucktard! ”
Last year it was believed Peter accidentally opened Gamergate thinking it was the Pearly Gates. The problem is, Gamergate was closer in looks and real estate than Hell’s Gate. After the shit-storm last year, God had Gamergate moved loser to Hell and he added rust to the gate. Hoping the gates were opened by Peter after a late night binge drinking holy water, Jesus and God just swept the when incident under the veil. That night Jesus got to his house and went to unlock his door when he discovered his key missing. In a fit of rage he yelled, “Jesus H. Christ,” which is ok for him to yell and not considered swearing.
It only took a minor investigation to discover who took his key, Donald Trump. As punishment to him and his followers, he was made to run for president and make an ass of himself the whole time. Of course Donald thought he was being blessed. God works in mysterious ways.
This time Jesus knows it was not a mistake and he’s flaming mad. Satan is wearing sunblock because Jesus is so mad. When Jesus finds the little pickpocket devil he’s going to make sure the key never gets in the wrong hands again. His plan is to swallow the key and never poop it out. We all know Jesus doesn’t poop.
If you happen to see someone running around with a giant rusty key that looks a bit like a rusty trombone, call 1-900-UHeaven. You’ll be rewarded with defenning ear ringing whenever Trump speaks and 7 booster packs of your choice for Hearthstone valued at $9.99.