Tag Archives: Destiny

Bungie Brought up on Charges for Destiny The Taken King

 

Today Bungie was accused of creating excessive pain in all female vaginas. Their latest mission and future missions to acquire exotic items are said to be a “pain in the cunt :)” 
I contacted Bungie to see if they have any employees experiencing cunt pain during exotic mission hunting and this is what they said:

“We are throughly investigating these outbreaks of cunt pain as we speak. We have taken several female employees to the OB/GYN to get an extensive check up. We even to further steps and sent several men to the doctor for pains in their ass while playing the game. We are sincerely sorry if our game has caused anybody cunt or ass pain. We recommend kegal exercises and prostate milking to avoid further discomfort. “

While Bungie is looking into this problem, I am going to go home and make sure my wife hasn’t experienced any Bad Juju while I’ve been playing Destiny. 

Please seek medical attention right away if you experience any cunt pain while playing Destiny. Do not play Destiny if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or have a catheter installed. If pain in the region persists, discontinue use of Destiny or ice the area while playing missions. Of a doctor is not available find a more than happy male to investigate the pain. If you are a male experiencing severe ass pain, take some Midol you sissy! 

10 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT DESTINY’S THE TAKEN KING

On September 15th Bungie will release the second year of Destiny with The Taken King. For the next few weeks Bungie will be doing informational developer streams on Twitch to help clear up what the Taken King will bring I  year 2. Yesterday was the first developer stream where they talked about all the changes with the Tower and your inventory slots. As informative as it was, it was boring. Nobody really gives a crap about the Tower changes. This was apparent in the comment section of the stream; over 200,000 viewers screamed LAME simultaneously. I screamed it 3 or 4 times.

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Dread... Not in my house!

Luckily for you, I visited Bungie last week and have the full scoop on The Taken King. Here is a list of ten amazing things you didn’t know about The Taken King:

1. There were 3 new planets planned for The Taken King, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto. They picked those three planets because they were the 1st, middle and last planets in our solar system. Unfortunately, Pluto is still a huge flame war in the astronomy field and Bungie did not want to have those nerds fighting about it on their forums. The thought of having stupid gamer nerds and educated planetary nerds arguing on Destiny’s forums was just too much negativity for Bungie. They decided to forget about planets and have a ship bigger than their current planets. Everybody is happy now!

2. The Taken King expansion was originally a holiday event called, The Giver King.  Bungie decided to scrap the holiday event because it didn’t provide any revenue for them. The idea of giving something to people and not just taking it, was stupid to them.

3. Lore wise, Corota and the Taken King were not on speaking terms. The Taken King was always trying to impress his mother, but Corota was an attention whore always 1-upping him. When Corota died from the guardians the Taken King only attacked because he felt his mother didn’t love him as much as her grandson.

Later the Taken King found out from his mother Corota was not his son. When the Taken King was on a business trip his wife had sex with The Speaker. The Speaker was scared the Taken King would find out so he sought the help of The Traveler and guardians to protect him. Grandma couldn’t keep her damn mouth shut, so now the guardians have to protect The Speaker because he can’t keep his dick in his pants.

4. Bungie plans on coming out with action figures like Skylanders. They planned on the figures shipping with The Taken King, but they ran into delays because Apple was working their employees long hours for the iPhone 7. According to child labor laws, you can only work 24 hours a day. Even after Bungie made a 29 hour clock, they were not allowed to use their employees.

5. Bungie planned for players to use their ships to fight the Dreadnaught on the outside before they could access the inside. After much debate, Bungie removed the space fighting from the game because they knew players would be pissed about their loading screen having a purpose.  Don’t worry players, your loading screen ship will still be there to watch if you don’t get up to go pee.

6. The Dreadnaught was originally planned to have 2 raids. Bungie decided that would be too much content for $40 and plans to release the second raid 3 months later for $20.

7. The Vault and your new collection blueprints were all together in the Vault kiosks in the tower. Bungie thought it was too efficient so they split it all up in multiple locations just to have people run around and waste time in The Tower. They argued it is more immersing if people do what they normally do daily, have their head up their asses.

8. You can now use your Ghost in The Tower to train like a Jedi. You can even switch the voice back to Pete Dinklage and his lifeless commentary if you want to train the Darkside.

9. Your Ghost almost had a female version  of the voice to choose from. Bungie decided it was too distracting for teenage boys and they would never stop trying to touch their Ghost’s boobies. Also, Siri was busy getting people lost on the Boston turnpike.

10. The Dreadnaught is shaped like a penis and you are Rick Moranis trying to reach the tip to save humanity.

God in Games

It’s no secret all gamers are looking for God and games are the Dead Sea Scrolls of our time. It’s obvious with game titles like: No Man’s Sky, Destiny,  God of War,  Diablo,  Halo, Elder Scrolls, Dark Souls, Mario Kart, the new Terminator movie  and many more games we’ve played throughout the years. The search for God continues even if it’s not in a church on Sunday. Nowadays, prayer is done in front of the TV or monitor with I controller used to bless our actions. Playing games is far more religious than going to Bible study or sitting around a campfire singing the praises of our Lord while a bear waits in the darkness.

This week was no exception for the race to find God in our games. Social media was filled hundreds of stories of gamers in search of God. Some stories even talked about people trying to be prophets for God. I believe one of these games will show the true meaning of God someday and help restore the faith back into humanity. Here is the week recap of stories bringing us closer to God.

Monday: No Man’s Sky

Just hearing the name, No Man’s Sky, sets off bells and whistles about a God-loving game. The whole concept behind No Man’s Sky is to find God at the center of the universe. On Monday IGN had a First Look video that was about 18 minutes long. It detailed what the main purpose behind No Man’s Sky was, to find God. Of course the developer, Hello Games, did not come out and say it, but it was clearly obvious. As the developer zoomed out further and further you could see a blinding light at the center of the universe. We all know God is at the center of the universe and Hello Games is just stating what we already know. Your goal is to get to God in No Man’s Sky.

I enjoyed watching the video and I’m super excited for this game to come out. I can finally play a game that doesn’t beat around the bush when it comes to finding God in games. I love the fact the game is based on learning about the creation of the universe and what God went through to make such a beautiful place for us. No Man’s Sky is a true biography about God. The light in the center of the universe is blinding beautiful and I will be living and breathing No Man’s Sky and God when this game releases.

Tuesday: Destiny

Tuesday was the first day of the Destiny/Red Bull campaign. God and a person’s destiny have gone hand-in-hand from the beginning of time. Bungie partnering with Red Bull is a logical step in finding God in Destiny. In the Bible there is a famous story about a man named Paul Bunyan. Paul is famous for riding a blue ox into battle for God. Because of copyrights the company Red Bull had to steer clear of their initial name of, Blue Ox. Just take a look at Red Bull cans, what color are they? That’s right blue, like a blue ox Paul Bunyan rode for God. Knowing this fact, Bungie quickly partnered with Red Bull to help the Traveler in Destiny fight the evil “Fallen”. Seriously, the FALLEN…duuh… fallen angle… Satan, man it is so obvious.

Bungie will be taking their game one step closer to the gospel with their new expansion, The Taken King. The Taken King is a direct reference to the devil and his greed. The Taken King is there to steal your destiny in finding the holy “ghost”. We will have to wait until the Taken King comes out to see how close we get to fulfilling our destiny and finding a new ghost to help us in our travels fighting against evil. In the end, Destiny will prove to be an award winner with God!

Wednesday: Lizard Squad

You might wonder how Lizard Squad is part of God in games. Back around Christmas the serpents released a denial of service attack on Xbox, Playstation and several other gaming services. They denied gamers to find God on the holiest day of the year. They did it under the famous symbol of the devil, the serpent. On Wednesday a head of the devil was acquitted of over 50,000 accounts of terrorism towards gamers and game companies. With their quick snake tongue they convinced a judge the devil was not in court and this was an act of God. It was meant to teach young people to value their loving families on a holy day. We all know Satan pulled this same trick on Adam and Eve to get them to eat the forbidden fruit from the tree of life. Disciples of Satan will always assume the form of God-loving saints to get their selfish deeds done.

No matter how you spin the story of the Lizard Squad hacking, it was done out of pure evil to deny good people their salvation through video games. We can only hope Saint Smedly can work his magic and fight against this evil for all of us. He will be known as our savior in the end. Smedly has spent his life devoted to making beautiful games to help people reach enlightenment and life fuller lives for God. I pray for Smedly and know God is on his side in this matter. Go get them John!

Thursday: Overwatch

One of the main watchers of our souls is Blizzard Entertainment. For years they have been giving us the ultimate battle between good and evil with the Diablo series. I grew up on the series and believe Blizzard has a higher purpose for us in life. They are preparing us for the war. Not just in Diablo, but in Warcraft and Starcraft they are teaching us to be battle ready when the time comes. They are guided by the angel, Michael. Blizzard hasn’t stopped changing our lives and making us warriors for God, they are bringing us their new weapon against evil called Overwatch.

They call it Overwatch, but we know they mean “Watcher”. There are hundreds of stories about the Holy Watcher guiding us in the war against evil. Overwatch is our new guide in that fight. Yesterday at San Diego Comic Con, Blizzard unveiled an 11 minute video of how we will learn to fight. I don’t know how many times I watched the video, but every time I did I discover new things. I took pages upon pages of notes detailing Blizzard’s new strategy in fighting evil. Once Overwatch comes out we can all learn to be better warriors for the coming apocalypse.

Friday: Thoughts

For years I’ve been playing video games trying to pick out the tiny morsels to help me save humanity. Every game has its unique way of teaching us something about good and evil to help prepare us when the time comes. I feel that time is coming soon. More and more games are coming out with the theme of good and evil and that can only mean our salvation is near. I know I am ready to fight and with the tools we are giving by game companies, I believe we are ready to fight. We are ready to win this war for God.

We can do this gamers, let’s fight!