Tag Archives: Couture

Birth of a Gamer: Prelude

Against popular beliefs, you can not pray the gamer out of a person. You are born a gamer and you will always be a gamer no matter how much you try to hide it. Stop wasting your time and effort on your facade and be a proud gamer. Embrace your game and follow along with me through the month of August as I tell the tale of the greatest gamer that ever lived, Mr. Couture.

Before gaming was a thing and before humans could imagine being a gamer, life was filled with so much boredom people did truckloads of drugs. Not that they still don’t do drugs, they just do less because they can’t puff and use a controller at the same time. During this time of ridiculous amounts of drugs, people had sex spontaneously. Nobody really cared who they had sex with, as long as that person had enough drugs make the sex forgettable. This was the time Mr. Couture was conceived.

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A massive blast from that past!

Of course his parents were married and only half-baked on drugs, but still, his parents were sex animals. I’m not saying his parents were sluts, but his dad was known to have the biggest sprinkler in town.  I’m sure he mainly watered his own lawn, but during the hot summer it is always nice to help a smoking hot neighbor out if possible.

Mr. Couture’s parents met 4 years prior to his conception. At that time they didn’t know they were about to make the the world’s most famous gamer with sex and drugs. Sure they knew about blunts, butt plugs, 69’s, and the occasional Shocker, but they had no idea what their future held. His father’s balls were held every night and his mother’s hair was held back after a bad shroom trip, but the future was crazy man.

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Who's your daddy?

9 months prior to August 1974, Mr. Couture’ s parents enacted Staying Alive the triple-X version. The public records recorded several disturbing noises coming from his parents house and the turkey was overly basted. Not going into too much detail, but let’s just say they finished a long game of Twister and broke several condoms. Several landfills could be the key to cloning Mr. Couture in the future. Start digging people!

Over the 9 month incubation period, Mr. Couture started planning his future as a gamer. During that time his favorite games to play were Punch Out: Vagina Edition and World of Wombcraft or WoW for short. The bigger he grew and the more he leveled up, he sought more gaming challenges and dreamt of being the world’s greatest gamer that ever lived. First, he needed to get the hell out his mother’s belly. He was very annoyed by his father constantly knocking on the back door to see if anybody was home and his mother screaming, “OH GOD! OH GOD, YES! COME IN YOU BIG BOY!”

AUGUST

It finally happened in August. Mr. Couture was born and he was free to pursue his dreams. Over the next 31 days in August,  I will tell you more about Mr. Couture and his life as I he remembers it. This is a true account of his life and how those around him remember him in his early years. From the second the doctor spanked his ass and wiped the nasty vaj fluids off him, people have been following Mr. Couture’s every step through life. He is a treasure to them and from that first day they knew he was special, in the head. To them the day he was born is not important, it is important to celebrate his life every year for the whole month of August. Even after 41 years Mr. Couture makes sure people worship him for the whole month by showering him in presents. He could give two shits about love and admiration, he’s just content with the presents.

Every day I’ll post a  minimum of a year of his life. Because Mr. Couture is going to be 41, there will need to be 41 posts to cover his whole life. There will be days you are treated with 2 or more years of his awesomeness. You’ll just have to keep reading and beg for more. I like begging. Every post will be reposted at the end in the page titled: Birth of a Gamer Biography. You can find a link to that page at the top of the website.

I hope you enjoy the story.  Take the time tell me what you liked most about Mr. Couture’s life and how I’m doing. Thank you all and I’d like to thank Mr. Couture for giving me this opportunity to tell such a great story about him. Look for Year One: Birth of a Gamer Saturday.

About Couture Gaming

Welcome to Couture Gaming website! Because today is your first day visiting Couture Gaming (CG), I’ll explain what you’ll see here in the near future. First though, I’ll give you a brief history behind the creators of the world’s first gaming website dedicated to 100% truth about gaming with 100% flare for the Fancy! No other gaming website will or can bring you unbiased truth with a kick to the gap between your ears. After reading or watching CG content, you’ll collapse dumbfounded and drooling like a rabid football fan staring at a bucket of flaming hot buffalo wings naked on the centerline of a hockey rink watching a thousand pucks launch right at you. That my friend, isn’t even the 100% truth behind how CG will awe and amaze you.  There will be many sleepless nights wondering when CG will update it’s content. Don’t fear, we’re 110% dedicated to bringing you 10% more content than humanly possible. You’re welcome!

History :

Back in 2006 our founder and CEO, Mr. Couture, started blogging about video games. Again truth be told, he wasn’t the most dedicated blogger or even the brightest. He was more like a lamp you find at a yard sale you have to constantly smack to stay illuminated. You should always keep a 50lbs halon fire extinguisher handy just in case he shorts out and bursts into flames. Open a window too because halon sucks the oxygen out of the air. That about sums up his personality and stupidity. On to his credentials:

He has none… On to his passionate drive to bring you the best gaming website known to man:

Mr. Couture has always been about passion. When he was 10, he French kissed his first girlfriend. He quickly found out “smacking around her tonsils” was just an expression and too much passion can make people sick. Over the years passionately blogging, Mr. Couture made himself sick. He was sick of the hate and negativity throughout the gaming community. Early in 2014, Mr. Couture slipped into a negativity coma and quit blogging. Since that day he had not been seen or heard from… Until now!

Months of searching uncharted islands, we finally found him. He was starving for attention deep in a cave of his imagination. Without the help of our highly-trained bow and arrow marksman,  Oliver Mr. Couture, would’ve starved to death in the wilderness. We are all very thankful we found him in time. And in the coming months, we believe, you will be too.

Mr. Couture has a degree in Social Media Engagement Engineering and is working on his master’s degree in Trolling Psychology. We have approximately 23 other staff members working daily at Couture Gaming to bring you the fanciest damn gaming information around the globe with 100% truth, passion, justice, and journalistic integrity.

THE FUTURE :

The future is bright! You can expect, but not demand,  a blog post weekly. You WILL get a blog post every Friday. Anything else would be uncivilized and a serious pain in 23 asses. We’re dedicated to giving you quality posts. We believe in going above and beyond as little as possible and that kind of dedication only happens once a week. Anymore than that and we could pull a hammy or glute. You ever see a person with a torn glute? It’s enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Our glutes are precious to us and we prefer to keep our ass cheeks from sagging. So, you’ll get one post a week. Don’t worry, that post will be amazing… maybe… it depends on if you’re a critical asshole.  Trust me,  it’s amazing and you should just except that as a fact.

Some times we’ll throw gravy at you.  Without warning,  we’ll post something not on Friday.  That post will be gravy.  I’m thinking of white sausage gravy.  You know the kind you use to smother dry ass biscuits with? Yeah,  that creamy goodness! Don’t ever expect the gravy,  just lather yourself with it when it happens. Again,  we do not want to hurt ourselves and making us give you gravy would improve the chances of injuring our sexy buns.

The Site

Unfortunately, while writing our introduction 21 of our staff members quit and 1 was fired. Some of the members were in charge of the web design, marketing, social media bugging, Kickstarter campaign, and serious content. With the current staff we are unable to produce a “pretty” website at this time. We will be more than happy to take design donations and free social plugs to help us get off the ground. All donations are greatly appreciated and will help us save the kittens and redheads from bad things like rusty bear traps. Feel free to contact us on Twitter at CoutureGaming.

The lack of staff will not change our intense posting schedule. You can count on us me to bring you the outstanding content you deserve at a not-so breakneck speed. Again, we appreciate all the support I can get. Times are hard in this deadly profession and I plan on being just as hard. Stay tuned to my maiden post this Friday and tell all your beautiful or ugly friends about Couture Gaming !