Tag Archives: blog

BLOGGER LAPSES INTO A COMA AFTER WRITING FOR 21 DAYS STRAIGHT

Devastating news for bloggers today participating in an event called Blaugust, a blogger by the name of Scarybooster has lapsed into a coma. After writing blog posts for 21 days straight his mind gave out on him. One minute he was laughing at his own jokes in a post and the next minute he was in a coma. He was brought to the hospital at 1am this morning showing no signs of a quick recovery. Only once our hopes rose as he was getting a sponge bath by an extremely hot nurse. Even though he didn’t wake up he smiled and quickly got an erection.

image

You bet I do!

We are deeply saddened by this news and our prayers go out to his family. We do not want this to happen to anybody else so we complied a list of symptoms to look for if you know or are someone doing Blaugust. Please,  seek medical attention and stop blogging if you experience any of these symptoms.

1. A feeling of attention grabbing title.

2. Lack of desire to post, but force yourself anyways.

3. The feeling nobody gives a shit what you just wrote including yourself.

4. The urge to delete your blog.

5. Uncontrollable licking of a stick of butter.

6. Checking your stats every 5 seconds

7. Writing shit just to fill the quota

8. Reading shit in hopes you get inspiration to write not-so shitty.

9. Looking at the calendar in hopes it’s September.

10. Masturbating in between paragraphs for excitement.

11. Writing a stupid list to get other bored Blaugust participants to read it.

12. Sticking your head in the freezer and slamming the door on your neck repeatedly.

13. Urinating on your neighbors dog.

14. Staying up late crying because you can’t think of a post for tomorrow.

15. Doing the dishes instead.

16. Random fits of rage yelling Belghast’s name.

17. Reading League of Legends forums for fun.

18. Buying a used copy of Matrix Online at a yard sale.

19. Watching Donald Trump speak about politics and agreeing with him.

20. Wishing NaNoWriMo was this month too.

Again, if you see or experience any of these symptoms seek mental attention from a licensed physician or hot nurse. We at Couture Gaming are worried about your sanity and lackluster posts.

Blaugust 2015

image

NEEEEERDS!

August!

The most boring month of the year.

My mother cocked her leg and fired me out.

August!

The time we make shit up to be less bored.

So boring gamers officially changed the name to…

Blaugust!

Blaugust is a combination of 2 words. The first word being Blah, meaning boring. The second word of course is Ugust, meaning a strong wind that could possibly blow you over if you were outside ogling at nature. In a sentence  you would say: I was outside in a tree watching the pretty lady get undressed when, ugust! I fell out of the tree from the unexpected wind.

BLAUGUST

Every year since the turn of the century bloggers have been making shit up in August to combat the shear boredom they experience during this time. It also helps them stay out of jail on Peeping Tom charges. More and more Blaugust has gained a cult following. There has been attempts to create more events like this during other, equally stupid months like March. In March one blogger tried to appreciate game developers with an event called Developer Appreciation Week. Sadly, that blogger no longer is with us. He got a life.

So, only the boring month of August remains on our calendar and my mother still shakes in fear at the thought of it. Blaugust remains in the blognation as a holiday. During this month bloggers are required to confess to their murders everyday for the entire month. In doing so their Lord and saviour will reward them with a treat. Last year I got a discounted prostate exam. The doctor said he would give me a five finger discount, but it surely felt like 7.

Blaugust has a few rules so you don’t lose 2 fingers trying to dig to China through my ass:

1. You must own an operate a lawn mower with at least 10 sentences in the user manual. No electric lawn mowers are allowed.

2. You must murder any child named Link born after 1995. You’re just being a copycat and damn lazy of you name your child that these days. There are better names like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson.

3. You must advertise yourself in the NY Times as a slut looking for multiple partners to go to the local water park with. The Slip-N-Slide is your favorite to go down head first on. I usually open my mouth wide and scream while trying to gurgle warm water that shoots in my mouth.

4. You need to sequentially number how many times you have sex in your life and post it above your bed or cut a notch in the bed post. Personally, I scream out a number when I finish.

5. #Bacon

6. You must collect at least 31 nail clippings by the end of the month. If you don’t we can’t send them to Nathan Fillion and resurrect Firefly. He likes to chew on them when he thinks.

7. Saturday is soon and that means it is my birthday all month. I want a present everyday. No joke!

8. Boredom!!

There you have it. Go forth and be a Blaugustateer! You swashbuckling fuckers!

About Couture Gaming

Welcome to Couture Gaming website! Because today is your first day visiting Couture Gaming (CG), I’ll explain what you’ll see here in the near future. First though, I’ll give you a brief history behind the creators of the world’s first gaming website dedicated to 100% truth about gaming with 100% flare for the Fancy! No other gaming website will or can bring you unbiased truth with a kick to the gap between your ears. After reading or watching CG content, you’ll collapse dumbfounded and drooling like a rabid football fan staring at a bucket of flaming hot buffalo wings naked on the centerline of a hockey rink watching a thousand pucks launch right at you. That my friend, isn’t even the 100% truth behind how CG will awe and amaze you.  There will be many sleepless nights wondering when CG will update it’s content. Don’t fear, we’re 110% dedicated to bringing you 10% more content than humanly possible. You’re welcome!

History :

Back in 2006 our founder and CEO, Mr. Couture, started blogging about video games. Again truth be told, he wasn’t the most dedicated blogger or even the brightest. He was more like a lamp you find at a yard sale you have to constantly smack to stay illuminated. You should always keep a 50lbs halon fire extinguisher handy just in case he shorts out and bursts into flames. Open a window too because halon sucks the oxygen out of the air. That about sums up his personality and stupidity. On to his credentials:

He has none… On to his passionate drive to bring you the best gaming website known to man:

Mr. Couture has always been about passion. When he was 10, he French kissed his first girlfriend. He quickly found out “smacking around her tonsils” was just an expression and too much passion can make people sick. Over the years passionately blogging, Mr. Couture made himself sick. He was sick of the hate and negativity throughout the gaming community. Early in 2014, Mr. Couture slipped into a negativity coma and quit blogging. Since that day he had not been seen or heard from… Until now!

Months of searching uncharted islands, we finally found him. He was starving for attention deep in a cave of his imagination. Without the help of our highly-trained bow and arrow marksman,  Oliver Mr. Couture, would’ve starved to death in the wilderness. We are all very thankful we found him in time. And in the coming months, we believe, you will be too.

Mr. Couture has a degree in Social Media Engagement Engineering and is working on his master’s degree in Trolling Psychology. We have approximately 23 other staff members working daily at Couture Gaming to bring you the fanciest damn gaming information around the globe with 100% truth, passion, justice, and journalistic integrity.

THE FUTURE :

The future is bright! You can expect, but not demand,  a blog post weekly. You WILL get a blog post every Friday. Anything else would be uncivilized and a serious pain in 23 asses. We’re dedicated to giving you quality posts. We believe in going above and beyond as little as possible and that kind of dedication only happens once a week. Anymore than that and we could pull a hammy or glute. You ever see a person with a torn glute? It’s enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Our glutes are precious to us and we prefer to keep our ass cheeks from sagging. So, you’ll get one post a week. Don’t worry, that post will be amazing… maybe… it depends on if you’re a critical asshole.  Trust me,  it’s amazing and you should just except that as a fact.

Some times we’ll throw gravy at you.  Without warning,  we’ll post something not on Friday.  That post will be gravy.  I’m thinking of white sausage gravy.  You know the kind you use to smother dry ass biscuits with? Yeah,  that creamy goodness! Don’t ever expect the gravy,  just lather yourself with it when it happens. Again,  we do not want to hurt ourselves and making us give you gravy would improve the chances of injuring our sexy buns.

The Site

Unfortunately, while writing our introduction 21 of our staff members quit and 1 was fired. Some of the members were in charge of the web design, marketing, social media bugging, Kickstarter campaign, and serious content. With the current staff we are unable to produce a “pretty” website at this time. We will be more than happy to take design donations and free social plugs to help us get off the ground. All donations are greatly appreciated and will help us save the kittens and redheads from bad things like rusty bear traps. Feel free to contact us on Twitter at CoutureGaming.

The lack of staff will not change our intense posting schedule. You can count on us me to bring you the outstanding content you deserve at a not-so breakneck speed. Again, we appreciate all the support I can get. Times are hard in this deadly profession and I plan on being just as hard. Stay tuned to my maiden post this Friday and tell all your beautiful or ugly friends about Couture Gaming !