It sucks I’m the bearer of bad news, but this year’s Blogger Dead Horse Beating Meating (BDHBM) has been cancelled. Unfortunately, they lost the contract for the dead horse storage facility and the meat smoker broke. To top it all off, somebody stole their last Louisville Slugger. The committee frantically tied to find a horse assassin to schedule around the time of the meeting, but all horse assassins were booked for BlizzCon at that time. The BDHBM committee tried to reschedule the BDHBM for a later date, but to do that they would need a fresh dead horse to beat to hash out the details. Sadly, finding a fresh dead horse to beat is impossible without beating an old decayed dead horses first. By the time you got to the fresh dead horse it would be decayed and it’s against the rules to beat a new topic with a decayed dead horse.
I know it is sad, sad news, but think of it on the bright side, we have another year to find old-new topic to beat up. To help all the MMO bloggers out there discover old and exciting topic to pulverize ruthlessly for a year, I’ve compiled a list of topics past BDHBMs have covered.
Here are some past Beating Meating Reading topics:
1. X game is going free to play I just know it!: Panel discussion on why the game is going free to play and what date. Hats will be handed out so speculatory dates can placed it. At the last day of the convention a date will be drawn to be submitted to the game developers. In addition, the convention will hold a daily “F2P Bingo” with a small entry fee with a possible premium subscription pass.
2. Women’s armor in MMOs: The panel will discuss how it is degrading to women while the audience tells immature breast jokes. A slide show of inappropriate Eastern MMO styles will be shown. Later, there will be demos of the MMO to get a hands-on feel for how degrading mishandled boob jiggle physics can be. A pention for women’s armor to include a built in sports bra, will be passed around.
3. Gamers’ toxicity levels: There will be group meditation after every MOBA presentation. Then, it will be followed by warm milk and cookies for snack. All negative bloggers will be placed in timeout for 15 min max or 1 min per how old they are.
4. Feelings Workshop: Bloggers will get a chance to tell everybody at the convention how they feel. After their speech there will be a group hug.
5. Stats and how they affect your blogging: epeen rulers and calculators will be handed out at the door. The bloggers will be broken down into groups of 5 lead by the highest viewed blogger. All other bloggers will try to mimic their style. Only the leader can give advice and suggest blog titles for better views.
6. The Hype Train: Derailing and or stopping is not allowed during BDHBM. All Hype Trains will be fueled each day by:
Day 1: Green Log
Day 2: Yellow Log
Day 3: Red Log
Flight home: Brown Log
7. Sandbox vs.Theme park: The panel will discuss ways to identify which type of MMO you are playing. They will then give you the Bartle test to take home. You MUST figure out what kind d of player you are and if your favorite MMO fits you property based on your results. There is no option and you are not allowed to play the MMO type you are not compatible with.
8. Get your PvP out of my PvE: Bloggers will either read lengthy quest text out loud or wrestle in lemon jello. The readers are not allowed to eat the jello off the bodies of the wrestlers. On the other hand, jello wrestlers can’t read.
9. Grammar: Panel cancelled out of lack of interest.
10. Blogging vs. Journalism: The panel will give pointers on how not to be a “sellout” and be proud you’re not getting paid for your work. They’ll also discuss how to belittle journalist to make their readers think getting paid to write is evil. A list of viable excuses to tell friends and family why you don’t get paid, will be handed out at the door.
So, there you have some popular topics to beat like a dead horse for another year. Continuity is the key to the Dead Horse Society. Here’s to another unproductive year of beating it until we go blind…