I normally don’t do this, but I’m going to.
Yesterday, I went to the bookstore and picked up a copy of Chuck Wendig’s new novel set in the Star War universe. After months and months of hearing how gay this book was, I wanted to look at it for myself. I’m kind of a liberal and enjoy the company of all the gays. I’ve been to dinner with gay people and I’ve even talked to them with joy. You could say we had a gay conversation. Oddly enough none of the gay men I hung out with tried to surprise butt sex me. From all the conservative people I know, they warned me of surprise butt sex from the gays. I even threw a couple Mentos up my ass to freshen it up just in case. Also, unfortunately, lesbians are not all maids and they will not clean carpet while you watch. I’m pretty much disappointed with the gay community for getting my hopes up.
Anyways, Chuck’s book, Star Wars Aftermath is a great book. I spent a few hours in the bookstore turning pages and guessing the weight of the book. I even took out a food scale and weighed it. Just to get a good visual as to what 2.3lbs really was, I weighed some chicken breasts too. The lesbians still, were not impressed. I even threw coffee on the carpet to excite them and their compulsive cleaning habits… nothing. The world is a cruel place!
After cooking up the lightly seasoned 2.3lbs of chicken BREASTS (come on lesbians you know you want my chicken!), I decided to roast a pork butt and smoke a fag while I entertained the gay men with my Mentos trick. I spent a couple hours roasting the butt and farting the freshest smelling rendition of the Glee theme song for my gay companions. They were not impressed and either the roast was burnt or I shit my pants.
This book review isn’t going as well as I planned.
I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t read it. I was too busy trying to entertain my friends and frankly, the book is over a hundred pages and has no pictures. I did spend several hours rubbing the book and looking at the picture on the front cover. I even looked for Chuck’s autograph, but he must not have gotten the memo I was going to touch his book. I didn’t need to read it anyways. My gay mother used to tell me when I was a kid, “ALWAYS, judge a book by its cover. ”
Just like the gays should be judged solely by being gay and not who they are as a person, I judged Star Wars Aftermath by its cover. I looked at that Deathstar art work. I looked at the synopsis on the flaps. I read the critics reviews on the back. I felt the texture of the materials the book was made of. I built this city on rock and roll. I didn’t have to read the book to know it was a great book. In my eyes the book is worth reading. It is worth touching over and over again and it’s worth hanging out with my gay friends. We had a great meal and I decided to help my friends out by cleaning up afterwards. I put on my banana hammock and scrubbed the shit out of that coffee stained carpet. Still, no spontaneous orgy. Fuckers!
I wholeheartedly recommend Chuck Wendig’s, Star Wars Aftermath. I own several of his books and follow him on Twitter. He is a very dynamic writer that doesn’t play it safe with his writing. I’ve enjoyed all of his books I’ve touched and would buy this one too. Just don’t invite gay friends over, they will only shatter your expectations.
6 out of 5 stars