Survival Guide: Alone in an MMO Zone

This is a new series of posts we’re  doing here at Couture Gaming. These survival guides will help you break out of funks in games or teach you how to survive when you thought you were dead. Trust me, you’re not dead you’re reading this. Today’s survival Guide focuses on surviving isolation in a MMO zone. It doesn’t matter what MMO it is because being all by yourself in a zone can be super scary. Here are a few tips to help you:

1. TRADE CHAT: A go-to resource in most MMOs is Trade Chat or a Market Chat. The people in Trade Chat are pretty analysis about things so they are the perfect people to help you out of a dead zone. They always give great advice and are super polite. Always start a conversation with the words “anal”  and a spell you use often. It helps break the ice. Here is an example: Anal [Killing Blow] ‘d myself into a deserted zone! Please help me Anal [Thrust] my way out of here.

Within seconds 100’s of helpful people will be responding gleefully. You’ll find yourself out of that zone in no time flat. (WARNING: Never EVER, use Chuck Norris in Trade Chat if you are alone in a zone. Seriously, Chuck Norris never is alone and he isn’t a whiney bitch that asks for help. Don’t you dare use his name in Trade Chat. Chuck Norris will personally permadeath your character with his Beard of Justice.)

2. COOKIES AND MILK: Step away from your computer for a second and think about your situation. A good glass of warm milk and a dozen cookies will help clear your mind. It is extremely frightening to be in a zone all by yourself, so treat yourself to a delicious snack. Sometimes the best way out of a bad situation is to eat your fears away to think clearly. Going overboard on the caloric intake is a must. It adds fat to your body just in case you can’t find a way out of the zone for days. It also cushions the brain’s sensory nodes to help you feel pleasure while distraught. It’s kind of like S&M for the brain. (WARNING: Refrain from eating more than a dozen cookies and drink king a liter of milk in one zone lost session. Cookies and milk overdose can cause involuntary braingasms. Braingasms have been know to make players comatose and crave lonely zone situations. DOUBLE WARNING: If you find you are having a braingasm and continue to eat cookies, do NOT go to your bed. Eating cookies in bed is lethal. People have been know to mistake shit stains for lost chocolate chips. In a lonely zone, braingasm, comatose, cookie bed eating state, you have a higher chance of poop eating. TRIPLE WARNING: If you haven’t eaten cookies in bed for quite some time, do not lick the sheets. You’re obviously just licking shit. Wear some underwear to bed jeezus!)

3. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Did you know customer service is always standing by? They are! Just go to the in game help area to contact your friendly and always, totally helpful customer service representative. They might be annoys by your incompetence in finding your way out of the zone and they might wonder how the hell you made it out of your mother’s womb, but they’re happy to help.  When speaking to customer service: state your name clearly (do not shout at monitor), tell them your coordinates (if you can, because your too incompetent to even find an exit), don’t use l33t speak or they will run you into a gaggle-fuck of higher level monsters, and don’t show fear (customer service gets a kick out of isolated characters and any sign you are not in control of your emotions, they will rip your jugular open in seconds). (WARNING: Dont back-sass customer service or they will hack into your account and ride your character long and hard when you’re not on. You don’t want to log into the game after being riden that hard. Your character will purposefully make your W key stick right off a cliff. You don’t want that so keep your sass to yourself!)

If you find yourself lost and alone in a game, remember these three survival tips. Of you don’t remember them or you failed to read this super helpful website, you deserve to go straight to hell alone. Because we are really nice here at Couture Gaming and understand our readers have problems with their brains, we will give a bonus tip.

BONUS: Use a paper bag and take deep breaths. (WARNING: Make sure the bag wasn’t used to capture elusive farts. I’ve accidentally hyperventilate into a fart bag. It is a sure way to get you a quick trip to the ER. Check your bag thoroughly before huffing on it. A bag full of killer bees can be bad too.)

Steam Approves Early Access for Game Titled: Muff Diving

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The new game on Steam Titled: Muff Diving, is the start of a new educational series of games for kids.

In Muff Diving kids to adults will learn how to make the best muffins they can in a deep sea diving expedition. The diving simulator will help them understand how hard it is to make muffins while wet. Even in the kitchen the moist environment will prove to be tough getting the muffins to rise before time runs out.

I spent hours banging away at Muff Diving and had a hard time getting it up to the point of success. My muffins were always so wet and I felt stress I was doing it wrong. The game is amazing and is very hard. I definitely thought it was hard Muff Diving!

If Muff Diving becomes a success the company,  BangoBrothers has a whole slew of simulation games in the works. Here is a list of titles we can look forward to:

1. Balls Deep: An underwater dodge ball esport game

2. Cock Block: A chicken simulation game made from Voxel blocks

3. Backdoor Action: A hardcore puzzle mystery game of doors after doors to open to solve the mystery.

4. Reverse Cowgirl: The first ever female only bull riding simulator. NO MEN ALLOWED! Well except the bull she rides long and hard.

5. Flower Garden: This is a hardcore sex simulation game and is not for kids. You must be 17 plus.

Studies Confirm Your Wife has Gamedar

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The apocalypse had begun!

A breakthrough in the study of Extra Sensory Perception (ESP) at the University of California has discovered wives develop a 6th sense called, Gamedar. They don’t know exactly when it develops, but they’ve narrowed it down to be between eating wedding cake and having sex for the fist time after being married. Because men need cake and sex, there is no stopping the ESP from maturing. Our only hope is to find how it is spread.

The University of Texas suggests Gamedar is transmitted through the tossing of the bouquet. Some men have tried plastic flowers in hopes the disease cannot spread via artificial bouquets. So far, all attempt to stop the spread of Gamedar has failed. Several weddings have banned bouquet tossing, but the University of Texas believes women preform a secret witch ritual that involves all pets in the household. If the wife is gone for any reason, the pets are activated and we’ll ruin any gaming session by: vomiting, pooping on controllers, urinating everywhere, fighting, running in traffic, faking a hairball, and laying on keyboards.

The frat houses at Harvard University are working around the clock to formulate a vaccine for this horrible disease. In their studies they’ve put together a checklist to help engaged men spot an early onset of Gamedar. Here is that checklist:

1. Your fiancee watches you play video games and smiles semi-evilly.

2. Your fiancee asks you stupid ass questions while you’re playing simple games like Angry Birds.

3. Your fiancee happily grabs a controller and “tries”  to play too.

4. Your fiancee touches your penis more while you’re playing video games.

5. Your fiancee tells you she doesn’t mind you raiding all night while her friends are out having a great time at the bar. She just loves you so much she wants to spend every moment with you.

If you see any of these symptoms, please call 1-888-GAMEDAR. Our operators are standing by 24/7 to help you through this crisis.  Act now and we’ll throw in World of Warcraft’s 3rd expansion, Cataclysm, for free.

Millions of WoW Subscribers are Confused

Millions of World of Warcraft subscribers are Confused as they wait less than an hour for the new expansion to be announced. They are all worried about the same thing:

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"Do I have enough time to masturbate?"

Here at Couture Gaming we’ve come up with a quick checklist to help you figure out if you have enough time to masturbate before the next WoW expansion is announced.

1. Have you masturbated in the past 5 min?
          A. YES- you’ve filled your quota for the day. Please wait quietly and do not go on social media and tell everyone you’re done.
          B. NO- As quickly  as you can go to Sears and get a new catalog. HURRY!

2. Do you have asthma?
          A.  YES- STOP! Please consult your physician before any further WoW expansion news.
          B.  NO- STOP! Just stop please. You have issues.

3. Do you currently own all WoW expansions and do not have an active subscription?
          A. YES- Proceed to masturbate at your leisure. Don’t worry about the expansion, masturbation is your thing and you don’t need an excuse.
          B. NO- You do not have time to masturbate. You need to buy all the previous expansion before you’re allowed to cuff one off.

4. Is your cat/dog watching you?
          A.  YES- Go feed your pet in a different room before you scar the poor thing for the rest of its life.
          B. NO- Clean up when you’re done.

5. Is your spouse watching you with 3 of their hottest friends?
          A. YES- You lie and you’re too sad to masturbate now. Just sit in front of your computer and wait
You liar!
          B.  NO I’m single- Fire away!

Blizzard Admits to Reporting Fraudulent Subscription Numbers

Hours before Blizzard announces their 6th expansion for World of Warcraft, their CEO admitted to lying about subscription numbers. In the official press release Michael Morhaime said,

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Who gives a shit? Just take my money!

“I’m very excited to say this, but we’ve been lying about the decline in WoW subscription numbers. Currently we are not at 5.2 million subscribers, we’re at 1.2 billion. This lie has been tickling at  my heavily padded shoulders for years now. Since the failure of the highly anticipated MMO, Warhammer Online, we decided to lie about our numbers to make the public think we kind of suck too. We didn’t want the public to think we were as awesome as we really are. Everybody at Blizzard Entertainment has tested every MMO since WoW came out and we know how sad and how shitty those other MMOs are. We felt bad for them. We thought we could inspire them to suck less if they thought they could come close to our numbers, but unfortunately they just focused on the worst part of MMO, fun. Everybody knows fun is overrated and you get more revenue from pissed off players.

With the new expansion being revealed today we decided to tell the truth. We wanted all those other MMOs to know, “yes, you suck!”, so they can get on with their lives and stop trying to beat us. It’s sad really. They’re like starving peasants begging for a moldy piece of bread. I’d spit on them, but then one of my taste buds would go hungry. ”

We’ll find out later today what their new expansion theme is. It really doesn’t matter because out of 1 million people polled, 89% of them just want to waste their money for no reason. I’m definitely going to subscribe today even if the new expansion is rainbow pony themed. I hope you subscribe too!

New MMO on Kickstarter Reaches 3.8 Million in 15 Seconds

Overnight the new game company,  Drug Moneyz, launched their campaign for their new MMO called,  Early Access. In the words of the CEO of Drug Moneyz, St3al3r, it’s:

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To access this picture please pledge more.

“A revolutionary MMO like you’ve never seen before. We have one server that is PvP and PvE at the same time. How you might be wondering? That’s our secret! You’ll have to pledge to find out. For just $20 you get early access to Early Access. For $50 you can get pre-early access to Early Access and the perks just get better the more you pledge.

Not only do we have a mind-blowing server technology, we have all the features you know and love from popular MMOs and some we thought of ourselves. Of course if you pledge, you’ll get to see all these revolutionary systems before anybody else. Well, unless they pledged more than you (chuckles). ”

On the Kickstarter page Drug Moneyz hints at a whole slew of features they plan on adding to tantalize their fans.

1. PvP and PvE Megaserver

2. Free to play with no cash shop in game.

3. Premium subscription if you want, but we will never block content behind a pay wall. All premium will provide is cosmetic items, unlimited bag space, and hourly login rewards.

4. Dynamic public events

5. Live team lead dynamic public events

6. Guild lead dynamic public events with developers.

7. On-call customer service that will fill groups missing people. Need a tank? No problem, our CS team is waiting to tank for you. Need a healer? Yup, we’re here like a magic genie for you.

8. Paid children in 3rd world counties to fill your every needs without the nagging insulting back-talk if you wipe 50 times in a row. What you don’t have friends? No problem, our dedicated half-starved children will make you the most popular guild leader in the world if you want.

9. Over 300 non-instanced dungeons at launch!!

10. Over 500 instanced dungeons at launch too!!!

11. Raids? We have them all from 6 man to 160 man raids. Again, never worry about filling those empty slots our paid staff of over 1 million is ready to raid with you! (Disclaimer: all requests for personal will be at the expense of the requestee)

12. A really economy that can make you real money… Oops that’s a secret you’ll have to pledge to find out more.

13. NO NORE QUEST GIVERS! You heard me. We have zero explanation points floating above heads in our game. How do you get any of the 6.4 million quest we’ll have at launch then? Easy, walk by an NPC and you automatically have his quest! Not only his quest, but any or all cut scenes part of that quest. Just click the quest in your quest log when you feel like it or don’t. The quest will automatically complete even if you don’t click the quest. The system will alert you when you do whatever it wants you to do.

14. Player made quests… Cats out of the bag on this on, but I need to put the bag back over his head if you want to know more… PLEDGE TIME!

15. Mounts galore and if you pledge $100 or more you’ll get super-duper early access to see just how many we’re talking about.

16. A Voxel world to its molten core.

17. Not only is there normal PvP battlegrounds, we have 2 totally revolutionary crafting battlegrounds! The first one is all out madness. You kill! You gather! You bake goodies! You deliver it to your opponents customers… If you can make it there ALIVE! The second unique crafting battleground is 100% PvE. Being a Voxel world it’s easy to see where this is going. You gather the resources as fast as you can, before your enemies. Oh no… Your enemies set you a trap to slow you down!?! PULL IT TOGETHER PEOPLE WE CAN STILL WIN THIS! We can just bake some speed buffs or herd some mounts. Your weapons are no good here, just wit and skill. I’ve said too much. For more information you might want to pledge $150 or more.

18. 5 sided PvP. Yes you heard me. Five! No only that, we have traditional 2 sided and 3 sided PvP too.

19. 11 PvP maps, 6 open world PvP zones (if you’re on a PvE character. If not all is PvP), 9 PvP modes, 2 crafting modes, and 1 super secret Roleplaying P-in-V mode. OMG! What could P and V stand for? I don’t know, but for a $200 pledge I’ll tell you right now. And if you’re hot, I’ll come straight to your house if you pledge $3000. I’ll  show you.

20. Last but not least, for a $300 pledge I’ll tell you what number 20 is. Don’t worry it is amazing!

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Debt services standing by.

Wow! What an awesome list of features they have. I immediately pledged $3000. I’m a sucker for new PvP modes and I’m really a sucker for roleplaying.

In the side bar you can see a list of their pledge rewards. Here are 5 I thought were just amazing and wanted to lay my money down on all of them.

1. $10 pledge- Access Granted!: For a measly $10 you can be in beta. That’s right, only $10 for beta access. No other Kickstarter MMO has offered such a low price for beta access, EVER.

2. $125 pledge- So early my head is spinning: For $20 you get early access. For $50 you get pre-early. For $100 you get super early and for $125 you get all those and double early access to Early Access. OMFG that is crazy!

3. $4000 pledge- Drops Mic access: Not only do you get all 15 other items above, you also get free Webcam access to our studio break room. Don’t worry that’s not all. You also get the option to shock any employee you choose that is sitting in the break room to hint,  “GET BACK TO WORK!”

4. $10,000 pledge- Blown away access: On top of all that above, you will have a direct line to my penthouse, where you can ask me 3 questions a night. Any questions you want. I might even answer them.

5. $1 pledge- Deal access: Right now with a 1 dollar pledge you can play the game for free when it releases. Not only that, I’ll give you special access to the Kickstarter comments section and you can say anything you want. This deal is only limited to 50 people so act now!

Drug Moneyz goes on to map out their release plans:

“We plan on having our first Elite Super Secret early access right after we meet our goal on Kickstarter. Out of our 27 different types of early access, we plan on finalizing our alpha around the holiday season in the future. Not this holiday season, but the one in the future. Our beta and final product will come after that. Depending on if we reach our 42 stretch goals, you could see all this sooner. It is really up to our faithful pledgers.

Don’t worry after the Kickstarter campaign closes, we’ll open  our website so you can pledge some more or buy goodies on our marketplace. Just to wet your whistle here are some things you’ll be able to buy:

1. Early access to any of the 27 early accesses at a slightly higher price than Kickstarter. So get it now!

2. Thousands of mounts and outfits that will not be accessible after the game launches.

3. Forums access and early access forums access. You can’t afford any of the early access packages? No worries, you’ll be able to read our early access forums for a low monthly fee. (Disclaimer: forums will be in “read only”  mode. You will be unable to give any outstanding feedback unless you upgrade your account to any of the numerous early access packages.)

I don’t know about you, but this new company and its plan to shake up the MMO scene has me hooked. Their ultimate goal on Kickstarter is to reach $35 million. At the rate they are going they’ll hit that goal in 24 hours. I wish them all the luck and can’t wait to see this game in action, even though I have no idea what the game is really about. I’m sure that is one of those super secret things you can pledge more money for to find out. Oh gosh, I need to up my pledge! I need to know!

Birth of a Gamer: Prelude

Against popular beliefs, you can not pray the gamer out of a person. You are born a gamer and you will always be a gamer no matter how much you try to hide it. Stop wasting your time and effort on your facade and be a proud gamer. Embrace your game and follow along with me through the month of August as I tell the tale of the greatest gamer that ever lived, Mr. Couture.

Before gaming was a thing and before humans could imagine being a gamer, life was filled with so much boredom people did truckloads of drugs. Not that they still don’t do drugs, they just do less because they can’t puff and use a controller at the same time. During this time of ridiculous amounts of drugs, people had sex spontaneously. Nobody really cared who they had sex with, as long as that person had enough drugs make the sex forgettable. This was the time Mr. Couture was conceived.

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A massive blast from that past!

Of course his parents were married and only half-baked on drugs, but still, his parents were sex animals. I’m not saying his parents were sluts, but his dad was known to have the biggest sprinkler in town.  I’m sure he mainly watered his own lawn, but during the hot summer it is always nice to help a smoking hot neighbor out if possible.

Mr. Couture’s parents met 4 years prior to his conception. At that time they didn’t know they were about to make the the world’s most famous gamer with sex and drugs. Sure they knew about blunts, butt plugs, 69’s, and the occasional Shocker, but they had no idea what their future held. His father’s balls were held every night and his mother’s hair was held back after a bad shroom trip, but the future was crazy man.

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Who's your daddy?

9 months prior to August 1974, Mr. Couture’ s parents enacted Staying Alive the triple-X version. The public records recorded several disturbing noises coming from his parents house and the turkey was overly basted. Not going into too much detail, but let’s just say they finished a long game of Twister and broke several condoms. Several landfills could be the key to cloning Mr. Couture in the future. Start digging people!

Over the 9 month incubation period, Mr. Couture started planning his future as a gamer. During that time his favorite games to play were Punch Out: Vagina Edition and World of Wombcraft or WoW for short. The bigger he grew and the more he leveled up, he sought more gaming challenges and dreamt of being the world’s greatest gamer that ever lived. First, he needed to get the hell out his mother’s belly. He was very annoyed by his father constantly knocking on the back door to see if anybody was home and his mother screaming, “OH GOD! OH GOD, YES! COME IN YOU BIG BOY!”

AUGUST

It finally happened in August. Mr. Couture was born and he was free to pursue his dreams. Over the next 31 days in August,  I will tell you more about Mr. Couture and his life as I he remembers it. This is a true account of his life and how those around him remember him in his early years. From the second the doctor spanked his ass and wiped the nasty vaj fluids off him, people have been following Mr. Couture’s every step through life. He is a treasure to them and from that first day they knew he was special, in the head. To them the day he was born is not important, it is important to celebrate his life every year for the whole month of August. Even after 41 years Mr. Couture makes sure people worship him for the whole month by showering him in presents. He could give two shits about love and admiration, he’s just content with the presents.

Every day I’ll post a  minimum of a year of his life. Because Mr. Couture is going to be 41, there will need to be 41 posts to cover his whole life. There will be days you are treated with 2 or more years of his awesomeness. You’ll just have to keep reading and beg for more. I like begging. Every post will be reposted at the end in the page titled: Birth of a Gamer Biography. You can find a link to that page at the top of the website.

I hope you enjoy the story.  Take the time tell me what you liked most about Mr. Couture’s life and how I’m doing. Thank you all and I’d like to thank Mr. Couture for giving me this opportunity to tell such a great story about him. Look for Year One: Birth of a Gamer Saturday.

Woman Marries After Telling Xbox Off

Paula Sensen age 56 of Winnipesaukee,  NH,  finally got married for the first time after dating the same guy for 31 years.  After Joe Dodson age 40 went on  a 16 hour Call of Duty binge, Paula was fed up and screamed, “Get off that fucking XBOX… OFF… FUCK… XBOX… OFF!”

To her surprise, the Xbox gently powered down and sat there quietly waiting her next command. From that moment on Paula was in love. She was finally listened to and every command out of her mouth was executed without some smart-ass remark or bullshit excuse. For the first time in 31 years, Paula was understood.

Soon after, Joe was out on his ass without his beloved Xbox. He had no idea what happened. One moment he was making sweet love to his Xbox controller and the next his heart was stolen right out of his hands. He was expecting a catfight over him,  but baby, sweet, Xbox just gave up without a struggle. CHEATIN’ BITCH!

Later that day Paula and Mr.  Xbox got married. Paula said at her wedding reception, “there was just an instant Kinection between us. He is constantly turned on with just me talking. I couldn’t have found a better man. Tonight I’m going to turn him on so fast and push all his right buttons. I might even shove his power cord up my ass!”

Joe had no comment he was busy trying to buy a used Wii U.

Blaugust 2015

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NEEEEERDS!

August!

The most boring month of the year.

My mother cocked her leg and fired me out.

August!

The time we make shit up to be less bored.

So boring gamers officially changed the name to…

Blaugust!

Blaugust is a combination of 2 words. The first word being Blah, meaning boring. The second word of course is Ugust, meaning a strong wind that could possibly blow you over if you were outside ogling at nature. In a sentence  you would say: I was outside in a tree watching the pretty lady get undressed when, ugust! I fell out of the tree from the unexpected wind.

BLAUGUST

Every year since the turn of the century bloggers have been making shit up in August to combat the shear boredom they experience during this time. It also helps them stay out of jail on Peeping Tom charges. More and more Blaugust has gained a cult following. There has been attempts to create more events like this during other, equally stupid months like March. In March one blogger tried to appreciate game developers with an event called Developer Appreciation Week. Sadly, that blogger no longer is with us. He got a life.

So, only the boring month of August remains on our calendar and my mother still shakes in fear at the thought of it. Blaugust remains in the blognation as a holiday. During this month bloggers are required to confess to their murders everyday for the entire month. In doing so their Lord and saviour will reward them with a treat. Last year I got a discounted prostate exam. The doctor said he would give me a five finger discount, but it surely felt like 7.

Blaugust has a few rules so you don’t lose 2 fingers trying to dig to China through my ass:

1. You must own an operate a lawn mower with at least 10 sentences in the user manual. No electric lawn mowers are allowed.

2. You must murder any child named Link born after 1995. You’re just being a copycat and damn lazy of you name your child that these days. There are better names like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson.

3. You must advertise yourself in the NY Times as a slut looking for multiple partners to go to the local water park with. The Slip-N-Slide is your favorite to go down head first on. I usually open my mouth wide and scream while trying to gurgle warm water that shoots in my mouth.

4. You need to sequentially number how many times you have sex in your life and post it above your bed or cut a notch in the bed post. Personally, I scream out a number when I finish.

5. #Bacon

6. You must collect at least 31 nail clippings by the end of the month. If you don’t we can’t send them to Nathan Fillion and resurrect Firefly. He likes to chew on them when he thinks.

7. Saturday is soon and that means it is my birthday all month. I want a present everyday. No joke!

8. Boredom!!

There you have it. Go forth and be a Blaugustateer! You swashbuckling fuckers!

SWAT Arrests an Illegal Gaming Tournament

At precisely 1:22 am and 35 seconds, an illegal gaming tournament was shookdown by 9 brave SWATers.

Reports were leaked from an inside source. As a professional cosplayer, she knew the laws of gaming tournaments forward and back. In an interview after the bust she said while she was cosplaying a blue dot with a synthesized voice,

“As a gamer myself, I know the laws and I was shocked to find out there were tournaments being held breaking the law. I went to police with my suspicions and they planted me in several conventions as a professional cosplayer. After that it was easy to get the lowdown on these underground gaming tournaments. That’s when I was horrified to see all the gamers wearing pants. It was enough to make me sick sometimes. Luckily for me, my first  offical sting had me cosplaying a vomiting corpses. ”

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I'm naked writing this right now!

In 2006 the law of No Pants Gaming was brought before the Supreme Court.  The law states:

Under penile code 6″, all gaming will hereby taketh place withoutith pants.  This hereby includes: corduroy pants, jean pants,  cutoff pants, Capri pants, shorts, pajama pants, khakis, latex spray on pants, and assless chaps.  All violators will be punished at the full extent of the law.  Sentence will be no shorter than 6 months away from electronics. Harsher violations can included up to a 1 year internship with Daybreak Games or a lecture from Derek Smart on self-control. On this day August 21st 2006, given to the Supreme Court with a unanimous decision, we hereby dub thee No Pants Gaming Law.

Ever since that day in 2006, gamers have been singing the word of gospel for this law.  Recently, a gang of ruthless underground tournament goers have been flagrantly breaking the law. A specialized SWAT was put together to stop this gruesome behavior.

One SWAT member stated, “We seen it all in the past 3 months. We’ve seen people making excuses like: my shoes are off a was about to or this is my mother’s basement she is worried we’ll have sex if our pants are off. It’s just down right disgusting.”

There were 28 people arrested tonight. All in violation of the No Pants Gaming Law. Some of the lesser violators got off with just a slap on the ass.  It was proven they were only 4″ and that is acceptable to wear pants. Even though, they should’ve had their zipper down and their pants unbuttoned. The most extreme violator was the announcer. He was wearing skinny jeans and underneath them some padded biking shorts. He said he had a 5 mile bike ride and it chaffs his cheeks if he doesn’t wear them,  but we later clocked his route and it was just under 4 miles. Proving he could’ve just worn underwear and used a chaff roll on stick.

As shocking as this story is, people are secretly wearing pants while they game. The police officers are over worked and under paid to catch all these criminals. It’s our duty to report any violators. Only you can prevent pants  gaming parties!