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SCIENTISTS BELIEVE TWITTER CAN BE MISUNDERSTOOD

Recently, a group of scientists at the University of Maryland discovered Twitter tweets can be misunderstood.  To prove their hypothesis they studied a 1000 monkeys with Twitter accounts. Here are some tweets they complied and the response the monkeys got:

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After flinging poo all day Monkey954 had to clean shit out of the keys.

TWEET

“We the people of tA untity states of Murica… ” via @monkey34

RESPONSE

“@monkey34 damn moron learn to spell. Even a 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters can spell better than you!”  via @damnmonkeycantspell

TWEET

“I had too many bananas this morning and keep farting in my cage. The monkey next to me writing the Constitution is disgusted.”  via @monkey36

RESPONSE

“ASSHOLE! ” via @monkey34

TWEET

” SEA-DOO DJSDKDKD D DNDKKDKCKG TFBS FEJRBD WOEJX” via @monkey57

RESPONSE

“My dad died while riding a Sea-Doo. I can’t believe you’re so disrespectful of Sea-Doo accident victims. What is wrong with you” via @SeaDooDoo

Over the course of 3 weeks locked in cages tweeting here are some of the things that happened to the monkeys:

1. 15 monkeys were blocked and reported as spam.

2. 4 monkeys were unfollowed by other monkeys because they felt like they hated them.

3. 6 monkeys deleted their accounts after an argument

4. 12 monkeys were accused of starting an apocalyptic disease and Brad Pitt denied any involvement.

5. 703 monkeys cut grammatical corners to reach the 140 characters, but we’re still misunderstood

6. 17 Red Butt Baboons got their butt hurt from something someone said.

7. 45 Silverbacks argued about the best Nickleback album ever made. Nobody else cared.

8. Right turn Clyde

9. 23 monkeys shared their feelings and got told to suck it up.

10. 562 monkeys signed the Change.org petition against the scientists’ experiment.

Over the courses of the study the scientists took a poll to see how happy the monkeys were with their tweet responses. Here are the results:

56% felt misunderstood
34% felt unhappy after using Twitter
5% flung poo randomly
3% are addicted to Twitter drama
2% died from malnutrition
None wrote the Constitution successfully

Scientists are still baffled as to why they used monkeys for this experiment and not rats. They’re sure rats would have yielded better results.

Gamers Outraged Ronda Rousey Plays Video Games

Last week Ronda Rousey came clean in an interview and told the world she loves playing video games before a fight. She expected gamers around the world to embrace her, but she was wrong…

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Ronda Rousey stunt woman posing next to a man's video game.

” She is delusional to think she can persuade gamers into getting in their pants” – Bob B. Bobert

” I think she thinks we think she is now cool because she plays video games. The truth is, we refuse to acknowledge we play video games because normal people don’t play games.” – Mike M.  Michaels

” I know how to fight.  I like to get sweaty while I watch UFC. You don’t see me proclaiming to be a UFC fighter. I’m a gamer; you can’t be both that’s absurd. ” – Bill B. Williams

” She used to be my hero for being an amazing role model for women in a male dominated sport, now she’s just seems needy trying to take over video games too. Leave video games to men, they need it to feel secure in their manliness. ” – Nacy N. Nanci

” I now feel incompetent in everything I do. Thanks Ronda Rousey for being better than the rest of the world! /sarcasm /tears” – Jen E.  Fur

“I can’t concentrate playing WoW anymore. Every time I play I’m aroused. I used to play WoW to avoid feeling like a sexual animal, now I’m a feral beast. My wife had to go to the hospital for a pelvic infection because we’ve been doing it so much. I’ll be billing Ronda Rousey!” – Beauty and the Beast

” I can’t stand her amazing body touching my games. Her soft skin glazed over her tight muscles is disgusting.  The way she looks so beautiful, yet so tough makes my stomach bile boil in my throat.” – George G. George

There are pages upon pages of outraged gamers on thousands  of forums. Even the UFC forums are ablaze with disappointed fans that play video games too. The commissioner of the UFC had this to say:

” We are deeply saddened Ronda Rousey has decided to take video games away from the people that deserve them. We have been in talks for several days to come up with a punishment for her. The UFC board of directors has decided to ban Ronda from publicly talking about video games. She will be required to tell the world she was just kidding and she was just posing next to a kids open laptop. We’ve advised her to go to a local tabletop gaming store and beat up a couple people.

We’ve talk to Blizzard Entertainment and they have assured us they will ban her account and refund her all subscription fees.  They took extra measures by linking her mobile authenticator to the local police department. If she goes within 90 yards of WoW she will be electrocuted.”

Later that day Ronda Rousey had this to say:

“I sincerely regret posing as a gamer. I feel it was a bad judgement on my part and it will not happen again.  We all know athletes do not play video games, especially female athletes. Frankly, women shouldn’t play video games anyways; it is a male only hobby and should stay that way. Women need to know their place in this world and they don’t need to be meddling in other worlds when they can’t handle the real one to begin with. Again, I’m deeply sorry I played a sick joke on the superior male race and it won’t happen again. ”

So there you have it, she won’t over step her bounds anymore. We’ve learned men need to be men and as ignorant as it is, it’s the right thing.

Woman Marries After Telling Xbox Off

Paula Sensen age 56 of Winnipesaukee,  NH,  finally got married for the first time after dating the same guy for 31 years.  After Joe Dodson age 40 went on  a 16 hour Call of Duty binge, Paula was fed up and screamed, “Get off that fucking XBOX… OFF… FUCK… XBOX… OFF!”

To her surprise, the Xbox gently powered down and sat there quietly waiting her next command. From that moment on Paula was in love. She was finally listened to and every command out of her mouth was executed without some smart-ass remark or bullshit excuse. For the first time in 31 years, Paula was understood.

Soon after, Joe was out on his ass without his beloved Xbox. He had no idea what happened. One moment he was making sweet love to his Xbox controller and the next his heart was stolen right out of his hands. He was expecting a catfight over him,  but baby, sweet, Xbox just gave up without a struggle. CHEATIN’ BITCH!

Later that day Paula and Mr.  Xbox got married. Paula said at her wedding reception, “there was just an instant Kinection between us. He is constantly turned on with just me talking. I couldn’t have found a better man. Tonight I’m going to turn him on so fast and push all his right buttons. I might even shove his power cord up my ass!”

Joe had no comment he was busy trying to buy a used Wii U.

Amazon Shopping Cart Collapses and Kills 100’s of Employees

BREAKING NEWS!!

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The apocalypse has begun

Several Amazon shopping carts have collapsed under the pressure of Amazon Prime Day deals. There are reports of dead and injured employees.  Amazon is requesting aid from FEMA and the Air National Guard. We’ll keep you up-to-date as reports come in.

UPDATE #1:

Warehouse 3 is on fire and thousands of deals are trapped! We can only pray no Xbox One deals are trapped. God help us all!

UPDATE #2:

Reports are some deals have not reached 100% within seconds. It is believed those deals are trapped under pages of other deals already claimed.  My cart is getting crazy full and could crush my bank account at anytime.

UPDATE #3:

My wife is pissed I keep adding “shit”  to our cart. I told her I’ll remove the items if Xbox One goes on sale. These are “just in case” deals.

UPDATE #4:

Iran has put sanctions on Amazon for being unethical with their savings and the  POTUS is heading to a secure location.

This madness must continue until I get that Xbox One console I’ve wanted for weeks. Even if the Earth or Pluto has to suffer, I need this!

Editorial: FFXIV Might Not Suck

This weekend I subscribed to FFXIV: ARR. In the past I’ve vocalized my dissatisfaction with FFXIV and that still holds true. I am still very unhappy with the idea of liking this game even if I start to like it, I won’t like it. I am not allowed to change my mind because that will mean I was wrong and foolishly mistaken in my initial assessment. If that happens my ego will be jeopardized. So even though I’m having fun playing FFXIV, I don’t like it. I even asked my family and friends what I should do.

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I had to show my shirt. My underwear were dirty.

WIFE:

I don’t give a shit! Do what you want. Play it don’t play it, who cares. (We made sweet love for hours after this “fight”)

MOTHER:

What? What are you talking about fantasies for? You should talk to your wife about your final fantasy not me. (I heard dry heaving)

SON #1

I want to play Munchkin. Can we play Munchkin? Are we going to eat dinner soon? (I put him in the corner until dinner was ready)

SON #2

You’re stupid dad. You should play Destiny only. Only old people pay for MMOs nowadays. (I made him play my Destiny account all day instead of letting him play Witcher 3 like he wanted to )

OLD NEIGHBOR

Hey cutie, I’ll make your fantasy! I just need to pull out my dentures and I’ll be ready for you big guy. (We are best friends now)

OLD WOMAN NEIGHBOR

I play a Gladiator on your server. We should do a dungeon of some duties together. (I avoid eye contact with her and I told her I like WoW better.  So leave me alone creepy old lady!)

After talking with everybody, I decided not to tell anybody I’m playing FFXIV. It’s just better for me to keep it a secret and act like I’m playing more manly games like Bejeweled or Bubble Witch 2. I have to hold up my reputation and more than likely I’ll quit playing as soon as it gets too difficult. I prefer to play my MMOs without other people and be as anti-social as possible.

On that note, I’ll probably by Heavensward way before I can play the content and get frustrated I can’t. I’ll quit the game again based on the fact that it sucks and any game that requires a man to wear a subligar is stupid. I might even play it cool and chalk it up to,  “it’s just not my kind of game.” That is the easy way of keeping friends on social media without them knowing the game they play pisses me off to no end.

If you see see me playing FFXIV don’t say anything. I’ll just deny it. I will blame it on my son and act like I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I do slip up and say something positive about FFXIV,  I’ll flip over an play dead like a possum.  I won’t make eye contact and I’ll AFK.

(Disclaimer: I don’t like FFXIV and his is just a social experiment to understand why people are enjoying themselves.  I can’t be judged because this is for science. In no way do I smile or am curious what would happen if I keep playing. I might have bought a subligar for fun.)


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About Couture Gaming

Welcome to Couture Gaming website! Because today is your first day visiting Couture Gaming (CG), I’ll explain what you’ll see here in the near future. First though, I’ll give you a brief history behind the creators of the world’s first gaming website dedicated to 100% truth about gaming with 100% flare for the Fancy! No other gaming website will or can bring you unbiased truth with a kick to the gap between your ears. After reading or watching CG content, you’ll collapse dumbfounded and drooling like a rabid football fan staring at a bucket of flaming hot buffalo wings naked on the centerline of a hockey rink watching a thousand pucks launch right at you. That my friend, isn’t even the 100% truth behind how CG will awe and amaze you.  There will be many sleepless nights wondering when CG will update it’s content. Don’t fear, we’re 110% dedicated to bringing you 10% more content than humanly possible. You’re welcome!

History :

Back in 2006 our founder and CEO, Mr. Couture, started blogging about video games. Again truth be told, he wasn’t the most dedicated blogger or even the brightest. He was more like a lamp you find at a yard sale you have to constantly smack to stay illuminated. You should always keep a 50lbs halon fire extinguisher handy just in case he shorts out and bursts into flames. Open a window too because halon sucks the oxygen out of the air. That about sums up his personality and stupidity. On to his credentials:

He has none… On to his passionate drive to bring you the best gaming website known to man:

Mr. Couture has always been about passion. When he was 10, he French kissed his first girlfriend. He quickly found out “smacking around her tonsils” was just an expression and too much passion can make people sick. Over the years passionately blogging, Mr. Couture made himself sick. He was sick of the hate and negativity throughout the gaming community. Early in 2014, Mr. Couture slipped into a negativity coma and quit blogging. Since that day he had not been seen or heard from… Until now!

Months of searching uncharted islands, we finally found him. He was starving for attention deep in a cave of his imagination. Without the help of our highly-trained bow and arrow marksman,  Oliver Mr. Couture, would’ve starved to death in the wilderness. We are all very thankful we found him in time. And in the coming months, we believe, you will be too.

Mr. Couture has a degree in Social Media Engagement Engineering and is working on his master’s degree in Trolling Psychology. We have approximately 23 other staff members working daily at Couture Gaming to bring you the fanciest damn gaming information around the globe with 100% truth, passion, justice, and journalistic integrity.

THE FUTURE :

The future is bright! You can expect, but not demand,  a blog post weekly. You WILL get a blog post every Friday. Anything else would be uncivilized and a serious pain in 23 asses. We’re dedicated to giving you quality posts. We believe in going above and beyond as little as possible and that kind of dedication only happens once a week. Anymore than that and we could pull a hammy or glute. You ever see a person with a torn glute? It’s enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Our glutes are precious to us and we prefer to keep our ass cheeks from sagging. So, you’ll get one post a week. Don’t worry, that post will be amazing… maybe… it depends on if you’re a critical asshole.  Trust me,  it’s amazing and you should just except that as a fact.

Some times we’ll throw gravy at you.  Without warning,  we’ll post something not on Friday.  That post will be gravy.  I’m thinking of white sausage gravy.  You know the kind you use to smother dry ass biscuits with? Yeah,  that creamy goodness! Don’t ever expect the gravy,  just lather yourself with it when it happens. Again,  we do not want to hurt ourselves and making us give you gravy would improve the chances of injuring our sexy buns.

The Site

Unfortunately, while writing our introduction 21 of our staff members quit and 1 was fired. Some of the members were in charge of the web design, marketing, social media bugging, Kickstarter campaign, and serious content. With the current staff we are unable to produce a “pretty” website at this time. We will be more than happy to take design donations and free social plugs to help us get off the ground. All donations are greatly appreciated and will help us save the kittens and redheads from bad things like rusty bear traps. Feel free to contact us on Twitter at CoutureGaming.

The lack of staff will not change our intense posting schedule. You can count on us me to bring you the outstanding content you deserve at a not-so breakneck speed. Again, we appreciate all the support I can get. Times are hard in this deadly profession and I plan on being just as hard. Stay tuned to my maiden post this Friday and tell all your beautiful or ugly friends about Couture Gaming !