I miss you baby!
Since 2012 when City of Heroes closed down, the world has been pointing fingers to find the blame in this tragedy. The middle finger was pointed a lot at NCSoft and the release of two other major Superhero MMOs got a finger or two. Ultimately the blame rested on the players’ shoulders. No matter how much you deny it, it’s your fault for being an MMO whore. During the life of City of Heroes (CoH) over 120 MMOs were released. You decided CoH wasn’t good enough for you, so you got drunk, had some sex, and played some other STD infested game while CoH was at home crying making you dinner. You bastards!
Now that CoH is dead and you’re alone for the past 3 years, you can’t stop thinking about how good she was to you. Some of you have even tried to resurrect her on private, nectophiliac servers. It’s just not the same. The good news for you is, I’m here to help you get over your grieving so we can move on. That and I’m sick of hearing about some of you sticking your old CoH box in the microwave for 10 seconds then dry humping it. Just stop, it’s gross!
While it is still your fault, there are 5 major things that happened from the release of CoH in 2004 until the closure in 2012. Three of the things were slowly eating away at CoH during that same time period. I’ll talk about the 3 events that took place from 2004 through 2012, first. Then, I’ll talk about the 2 events that finally killed CoH in 2012.
Facebook leads to herpies
1. SOCIAL MEDIA
During the final stages of development with CoH, 2 major social media sites launched, Linkin and MySpace. Granted those 2 released in 2003, but they paved the way for the juggernauts of social media. In 2004 Facebook launched. From 2004 when Facebook launched in 2012, when they went public Facebook captivated the attention of over 800 million people (now 1.2 billion). As a dedicated massive multiplayer online gamer, you took precious to away from CoH to screw around on Facebook. You created memes, poked, liked, selfied, and bitterly complained about your life to real people you met. All that was a total waste of your time. All those friends you’ve friended over the years either, don’t like you or you just want to stalk them. All those friends you made in CoH, they really miss you. Good job moron!
Once Facebook broke the social media dam damning us all, Twitter showed up in 2006 and Google got their head out of their ass in 2011 with Google Plus. Even though Twitter sit only at 800 million users with an average of 200 million using it daily and G+ just over 500 million, they are equally to blame for the closing of CoH. For some reason you still haven’t figured out who your true friends are; The ones saving your ass in Looking for Group. Hopefully someday you’ll learn nothing good ever came from social media.
I miss you too you devious lovelies
Side-by-side CoH and Desperate Housewives ruled the years from 2004-2012. With the announcement of Desperate Housewives shutting down in its 8th season in 2012, the creators and players of CoH were devastated. No longer could the fans of both laugh, cry, wear latex pants, and be sexually charged. The end of Desperate Housewives helped put the final nail in the coffin for CoH.
Most players of CoH enjoyed their time playing the game while watching the critically acclaimed TV show. With over 2.4 million viewers every 30 minutes, Desperate Housewives was key in the success of CoH. With the passing of the show developers of CoH quickly slumped into a deep depression. After the announcement of Desperate Housewives on their final season, it was apparent CoH was on life support while everyone said their goodbyes to the beloved show. Everybody knew the end of an era was upon us and it was only logical to end it all on a high note.
Looking back at 2012 I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It was truly a sad year for us all. Luckily, I can watch Desperate Housewives over and over on Netflix, but I can’t play CoH. We all know you can’t have one without the other and that is why Desperate Housewives sadly sits in my “to watch” queue.
All superheroes belong to Marvel. Don't forget it or they'll sue you
Interesting enough, for 20 years from 1984 until 2004 there was 57 superhero themed movies and from 2004-2012 there was the exact same amount. In 9 years Hollywood jammed the same amount of movies it took 20 years to do before. That is super Superhero Overload! Our bodies and minds just can’t handle that much heroness all at once. Hollywood ruined CoH for all of us. I know you don’t see it as a bad thing because we got amazing movies like Ironman, The Dark Knight and Avengers, but what about Superman Returns, Fantastic 4, Elektra, Green Lantern, The Spirit, Ghost Rider 1 & 2, Jonah Hex, Catwoman, and Spiderman 3? Hollywood has given us more crap movies than good. The effect it has on the human CoH brain is uncomprehendable. Think of it this way:
Your spouse likes to have sex exactly 57 times a year. Throughout the year you are starving for sex waiting for you next time to pounce. You can’t wait to do it even if it is a bad session of naked wheelbarrow. You simple don’t care, you need it. To top it all off, you are jerking off every night except the nights you do dying fish cardio. Now, take that 57 sessions and do it in 5 months. Still it doesn’t sound too bad. Instead of having sex once a week, you’re pounding beef twice a week; add two masturbation sessions in a day and your business is going to get raw. You’ll start skipping the self-service so you can enjoy quality time with your spouse.
That is why the overload in superhero movies was a major factor in the closing of CoH. Also, Marvel decided to sue CoH during the life of the game, slowing production on much needed quality of life updates. If you want to point stinky sex fingers, point them at Hollywood.
MAYAN LONG COUNT CALENDAR
Everybody was waiting for the apocalypse on December 21, 2012. Not only did the Mayan’s stop making days because they gave up on life, Nostradamus foretold a comet would kill us all. To all the dead people prior to the 21st, they were right. To all the people reading this, you’re not dead. I think… Unless this is heaven and I’m a blogger in heaven… I’m guessing you could be dead because I was told I already have a full-time blogging job in heaven. Either way, Paragon Studios wasn’t going to wait one more second of their life on your ass. It was party time.
On May 31st 2012 CoH came out with their final update titled, Where Shadows Lie. That title was in direct reference to the imminent destruction of the Earth. The shadows where hints Nostradamus frequently saw in his visions while he was doped up on opium or bath salts. Paragon Studios wanted people to know how much they were lied to through the years and how they wanted to free themselves from the lies (NCSoft). With the apocalypse upon us the employees of Paragon were free from the evils of the world. On the 31st of August, they plugged all the toilets in the studio and never looked back.
I will crush all your fun one law at a time!
Most of the time CoH was alive was during Obama’s presidency. While Bush was in office CoH was thriving because the economy was so bad people needed a way to escape their sorrows and CoH was there for them. Obama came to office and the economy gradually started to get better. People started going out and socializing. There were other factors Obama had on CoH we try not to think about. Unfortunately, it is my duty to tell you the evil he has done to us.
1. In 2012 Obama was reelected for his second term in office over Mitt Romney. Mitt thought he was a hero and should rule the world like a real hero. Obama crushed his hero dreams sending the CoH into a great depression.
2. Obamacare bill passed in 2012 making it possible for all Americans to bitch about equal healthcare for everyone. People that normally would stay inside in fear of diseases and outrageous healthcare bills, started to go outside and make real friends. Nobody told them herpies is for life.
3. Gay equally in the military and in marriage was finally making waves in 2012 with the help of Obama. What Obama didn’t think of was us and how that affects our game time. Not only did all the straight people have spouse aggro, now all the gay community was screwed. All those years gay couples were just “partners” and they really didn’t have the legal say to stop their partner from playing hours and hours of video games. Oooooobama screwed them! Now a gay gamer can’t have a peaceful gaming session without their spouse pulling the marriage card on them. What the hell were you thinking Obama?
So there you have it, 5 major reasons City of Heroes shut down. I’m not saying they are THE reason it was shut down, just major reasons why. Ultimately, it was all your fault for not playing the game when it was active. Yeah, I’ve heard all your excuses and I’m sick of hearing how sad you are without CoH, but it really is your damn fault. Stop whining and play your favorite MMO before that one shuts down too. You never know what the future holds for us. A new election is coming up and that comet Nostradamus prophesied never happened. You just never know. One thing you can count on though, is me blogging in heaven for you.