Blizzard Admits to Reporting Fraudulent Subscription Numbers

Hours before Blizzard announces their 6th expansion for World of Warcraft, their CEO admitted to lying about subscription numbers. In the official press release Michael Morhaime said,

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Who gives a shit? Just take my money!

“I’m very excited to say this, but we’ve been lying about the decline in WoW subscription numbers. Currently we are not at 5.2 million subscribers, we’re at 1.2 billion. This lie has been tickling at  my heavily padded shoulders for years now. Since the failure of the highly anticipated MMO, Warhammer Online, we decided to lie about our numbers to make the public think we kind of suck too. We didn’t want the public to think we were as awesome as we really are. Everybody at Blizzard Entertainment has tested every MMO since WoW came out and we know how sad and how shitty those other MMOs are. We felt bad for them. We thought we could inspire them to suck less if they thought they could come close to our numbers, but unfortunately they just focused on the worst part of MMO, fun. Everybody knows fun is overrated and you get more revenue from pissed off players.

With the new expansion being revealed today we decided to tell the truth. We wanted all those other MMOs to know, “yes, you suck!”, so they can get on with their lives and stop trying to beat us. It’s sad really. They’re like starving peasants begging for a moldy piece of bread. I’d spit on them, but then one of my taste buds would go hungry. ”

We’ll find out later today what their new expansion theme is. It really doesn’t matter because out of 1 million people polled, 89% of them just want to waste their money for no reason. I’m definitely going to subscribe today even if the new expansion is rainbow pony themed. I hope you subscribe too!

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