Monthly Archives: August 2015

Gamers Outraged Ronda Rousey Plays Video Games

Last week Ronda Rousey came clean in an interview and told the world she loves playing video games before a fight. She expected gamers around the world to embrace her, but she was wrong…

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Ronda Rousey stunt woman posing next to a man's video game.

” She is delusional to think she can persuade gamers into getting in their pants” – Bob B. Bobert

” I think she thinks we think she is now cool because she plays video games. The truth is, we refuse to acknowledge we play video games because normal people don’t play games.” – Mike M.  Michaels

” I know how to fight.  I like to get sweaty while I watch UFC. You don’t see me proclaiming to be a UFC fighter. I’m a gamer; you can’t be both that’s absurd. ” – Bill B. Williams

” She used to be my hero for being an amazing role model for women in a male dominated sport, now she’s just seems needy trying to take over video games too. Leave video games to men, they need it to feel secure in their manliness. ” – Nacy N. Nanci

” I now feel incompetent in everything I do. Thanks Ronda Rousey for being better than the rest of the world! /sarcasm /tears” – Jen E.  Fur

“I can’t concentrate playing WoW anymore. Every time I play I’m aroused. I used to play WoW to avoid feeling like a sexual animal, now I’m a feral beast. My wife had to go to the hospital for a pelvic infection because we’ve been doing it so much. I’ll be billing Ronda Rousey!” – Beauty and the Beast

” I can’t stand her amazing body touching my games. Her soft skin glazed over her tight muscles is disgusting.  The way she looks so beautiful, yet so tough makes my stomach bile boil in my throat.” – George G. George

There are pages upon pages of outraged gamers on thousands  of forums. Even the UFC forums are ablaze with disappointed fans that play video games too. The commissioner of the UFC had this to say:

” We are deeply saddened Ronda Rousey has decided to take video games away from the people that deserve them. We have been in talks for several days to come up with a punishment for her. The UFC board of directors has decided to ban Ronda from publicly talking about video games. She will be required to tell the world she was just kidding and she was just posing next to a kids open laptop. We’ve advised her to go to a local tabletop gaming store and beat up a couple people.

We’ve talk to Blizzard Entertainment and they have assured us they will ban her account and refund her all subscription fees.  They took extra measures by linking her mobile authenticator to the local police department. If she goes within 90 yards of WoW she will be electrocuted.”

Later that day Ronda Rousey had this to say:

“I sincerely regret posing as a gamer. I feel it was a bad judgement on my part and it will not happen again.  We all know athletes do not play video games, especially female athletes. Frankly, women shouldn’t play video games anyways; it is a male only hobby and should stay that way. Women need to know their place in this world and they don’t need to be meddling in other worlds when they can’t handle the real one to begin with. Again, I’m deeply sorry I played a sick joke on the superior male race and it won’t happen again. ”

So there you have it, she won’t over step her bounds anymore. We’ve learned men need to be men and as ignorant as it is, it’s the right thing.

Survival Guide: Alone in an MMO Zone

This is a new series of posts we’re  doing here at Couture Gaming. These survival guides will help you break out of funks in games or teach you how to survive when you thought you were dead. Trust me, you’re not dead you’re reading this. Today’s survival Guide focuses on surviving isolation in a MMO zone. It doesn’t matter what MMO it is because being all by yourself in a zone can be super scary. Here are a few tips to help you:

1. TRADE CHAT: A go-to resource in most MMOs is Trade Chat or a Market Chat. The people in Trade Chat are pretty analysis about things so they are the perfect people to help you out of a dead zone. They always give great advice and are super polite. Always start a conversation with the words “anal”  and a spell you use often. It helps break the ice. Here is an example: Anal [Killing Blow] ‘d myself into a deserted zone! Please help me Anal [Thrust] my way out of here.

Within seconds 100’s of helpful people will be responding gleefully. You’ll find yourself out of that zone in no time flat. (WARNING: Never EVER, use Chuck Norris in Trade Chat if you are alone in a zone. Seriously, Chuck Norris never is alone and he isn’t a whiney bitch that asks for help. Don’t you dare use his name in Trade Chat. Chuck Norris will personally permadeath your character with his Beard of Justice.)

2. COOKIES AND MILK: Step away from your computer for a second and think about your situation. A good glass of warm milk and a dozen cookies will help clear your mind. It is extremely frightening to be in a zone all by yourself, so treat yourself to a delicious snack. Sometimes the best way out of a bad situation is to eat your fears away to think clearly. Going overboard on the caloric intake is a must. It adds fat to your body just in case you can’t find a way out of the zone for days. It also cushions the brain’s sensory nodes to help you feel pleasure while distraught. It’s kind of like S&M for the brain. (WARNING: Refrain from eating more than a dozen cookies and drink king a liter of milk in one zone lost session. Cookies and milk overdose can cause involuntary braingasms. Braingasms have been know to make players comatose and crave lonely zone situations. DOUBLE WARNING: If you find you are having a braingasm and continue to eat cookies, do NOT go to your bed. Eating cookies in bed is lethal. People have been know to mistake shit stains for lost chocolate chips. In a lonely zone, braingasm, comatose, cookie bed eating state, you have a higher chance of poop eating. TRIPLE WARNING: If you haven’t eaten cookies in bed for quite some time, do not lick the sheets. You’re obviously just licking shit. Wear some underwear to bed jeezus!)

3. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Did you know customer service is always standing by? They are! Just go to the in game help area to contact your friendly and always, totally helpful customer service representative. They might be annoys by your incompetence in finding your way out of the zone and they might wonder how the hell you made it out of your mother’s womb, but they’re happy to help.  When speaking to customer service: state your name clearly (do not shout at monitor), tell them your coordinates (if you can, because your too incompetent to even find an exit), don’t use l33t speak or they will run you into a gaggle-fuck of higher level monsters, and don’t show fear (customer service gets a kick out of isolated characters and any sign you are not in control of your emotions, they will rip your jugular open in seconds). (WARNING: Dont back-sass customer service or they will hack into your account and ride your character long and hard when you’re not on. You don’t want to log into the game after being riden that hard. Your character will purposefully make your W key stick right off a cliff. You don’t want that so keep your sass to yourself!)

If you find yourself lost and alone in a game, remember these three survival tips. Of you don’t remember them or you failed to read this super helpful website, you deserve to go straight to hell alone. Because we are really nice here at Couture Gaming and understand our readers have problems with their brains, we will give a bonus tip.

BONUS: Use a paper bag and take deep breaths. (WARNING: Make sure the bag wasn’t used to capture elusive farts. I’ve accidentally hyperventilate into a fart bag. It is a sure way to get you a quick trip to the ER. Check your bag thoroughly before huffing on it. A bag full of killer bees can be bad too.)

Steam Approves Early Access for Game Titled: Muff Diving

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The new game on Steam Titled: Muff Diving, is the start of a new educational series of games for kids.

In Muff Diving kids to adults will learn how to make the best muffins they can in a deep sea diving expedition. The diving simulator will help them understand how hard it is to make muffins while wet. Even in the kitchen the moist environment will prove to be tough getting the muffins to rise before time runs out.

I spent hours banging away at Muff Diving and had a hard time getting it up to the point of success. My muffins were always so wet and I felt stress I was doing it wrong. The game is amazing and is very hard. I definitely thought it was hard Muff Diving!

If Muff Diving becomes a success the company,  BangoBrothers has a whole slew of simulation games in the works. Here is a list of titles we can look forward to:

1. Balls Deep: An underwater dodge ball esport game

2. Cock Block: A chicken simulation game made from Voxel blocks

3. Backdoor Action: A hardcore puzzle mystery game of doors after doors to open to solve the mystery.

4. Reverse Cowgirl: The first ever female only bull riding simulator. NO MEN ALLOWED! Well except the bull she rides long and hard.

5. Flower Garden: This is a hardcore sex simulation game and is not for kids. You must be 17 plus.

Studies Confirm Your Wife has Gamedar

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The apocalypse had begun!

A breakthrough in the study of Extra Sensory Perception (ESP) at the University of California has discovered wives develop a 6th sense called, Gamedar. They don’t know exactly when it develops, but they’ve narrowed it down to be between eating wedding cake and having sex for the fist time after being married. Because men need cake and sex, there is no stopping the ESP from maturing. Our only hope is to find how it is spread.

The University of Texas suggests Gamedar is transmitted through the tossing of the bouquet. Some men have tried plastic flowers in hopes the disease cannot spread via artificial bouquets. So far, all attempt to stop the spread of Gamedar has failed. Several weddings have banned bouquet tossing, but the University of Texas believes women preform a secret witch ritual that involves all pets in the household. If the wife is gone for any reason, the pets are activated and we’ll ruin any gaming session by: vomiting, pooping on controllers, urinating everywhere, fighting, running in traffic, faking a hairball, and laying on keyboards.

The frat houses at Harvard University are working around the clock to formulate a vaccine for this horrible disease. In their studies they’ve put together a checklist to help engaged men spot an early onset of Gamedar. Here is that checklist:

1. Your fiancee watches you play video games and smiles semi-evilly.

2. Your fiancee asks you stupid ass questions while you’re playing simple games like Angry Birds.

3. Your fiancee happily grabs a controller and “tries”  to play too.

4. Your fiancee touches your penis more while you’re playing video games.

5. Your fiancee tells you she doesn’t mind you raiding all night while her friends are out having a great time at the bar. She just loves you so much she wants to spend every moment with you.

If you see any of these symptoms, please call 1-888-GAMEDAR. Our operators are standing by 24/7 to help you through this crisis.  Act now and we’ll throw in World of Warcraft’s 3rd expansion, Cataclysm, for free.

Millions of WoW Subscribers are Confused

Millions of World of Warcraft subscribers are Confused as they wait less than an hour for the new expansion to be announced. They are all worried about the same thing:

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"Do I have enough time to masturbate?"

Here at Couture Gaming we’ve come up with a quick checklist to help you figure out if you have enough time to masturbate before the next WoW expansion is announced.

1. Have you masturbated in the past 5 min?
          A. YES- you’ve filled your quota for the day. Please wait quietly and do not go on social media and tell everyone you’re done.
          B. NO- As quickly  as you can go to Sears and get a new catalog. HURRY!

2. Do you have asthma?
          A.  YES- STOP! Please consult your physician before any further WoW expansion news.
          B.  NO- STOP! Just stop please. You have issues.

3. Do you currently own all WoW expansions and do not have an active subscription?
          A. YES- Proceed to masturbate at your leisure. Don’t worry about the expansion, masturbation is your thing and you don’t need an excuse.
          B. NO- You do not have time to masturbate. You need to buy all the previous expansion before you’re allowed to cuff one off.

4. Is your cat/dog watching you?
          A.  YES- Go feed your pet in a different room before you scar the poor thing for the rest of its life.
          B. NO- Clean up when you’re done.

5. Is your spouse watching you with 3 of their hottest friends?
          A. YES- You lie and you’re too sad to masturbate now. Just sit in front of your computer and wait
You liar!
          B.  NO I’m single- Fire away!

Blizzard Admits to Reporting Fraudulent Subscription Numbers

Hours before Blizzard announces their 6th expansion for World of Warcraft, their CEO admitted to lying about subscription numbers. In the official press release Michael Morhaime said,

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Who gives a shit? Just take my money!

“I’m very excited to say this, but we’ve been lying about the decline in WoW subscription numbers. Currently we are not at 5.2 million subscribers, we’re at 1.2 billion. This lie has been tickling at  my heavily padded shoulders for years now. Since the failure of the highly anticipated MMO, Warhammer Online, we decided to lie about our numbers to make the public think we kind of suck too. We didn’t want the public to think we were as awesome as we really are. Everybody at Blizzard Entertainment has tested every MMO since WoW came out and we know how sad and how shitty those other MMOs are. We felt bad for them. We thought we could inspire them to suck less if they thought they could come close to our numbers, but unfortunately they just focused on the worst part of MMO, fun. Everybody knows fun is overrated and you get more revenue from pissed off players.

With the new expansion being revealed today we decided to tell the truth. We wanted all those other MMOs to know, “yes, you suck!”, so they can get on with their lives and stop trying to beat us. It’s sad really. They’re like starving peasants begging for a moldy piece of bread. I’d spit on them, but then one of my taste buds would go hungry. ”

We’ll find out later today what their new expansion theme is. It really doesn’t matter because out of 1 million people polled, 89% of them just want to waste their money for no reason. I’m definitely going to subscribe today even if the new expansion is rainbow pony themed. I hope you subscribe too!