Monthly Archives: August 2015

5 MAJOR REASONS CITY OF HEROES SHUT DOWN

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I miss you baby!

Since 2012 when City of Heroes closed down, the world has been pointing fingers to find the blame in this tragedy.  The middle finger was pointed a lot at NCSoft and the release of two other major Superhero MMOs got a finger or two. Ultimately the blame rested on the players’ shoulders. No matter  how much you deny it, it’s your fault for being an MMO whore. During the life of City of Heroes (CoH)  over 120 MMOs were released. You decided CoH wasn’t good enough for you, so you got drunk, had some sex, and played some other STD infested game while CoH was at home crying making you dinner. You bastards!

Now that CoH is dead and you’re alone for the past 3 years, you can’t stop thinking about how good she was to you. Some of you have even tried to resurrect her on private, nectophiliac servers. It’s just not the same.  The good news for you is, I’m here to help you get over your grieving so we can move on.  That and I’m sick of hearing about some of you sticking your old CoH box in the microwave for 10 seconds then dry humping it.  Just stop, it’s gross!

While it is still your fault, there are 5 major things that happened from the release of CoH in 2004 until the closure in 2012. Three of the things were slowly eating away at CoH during that same time period. I’ll talk about the 3 events that took place from 2004 through 2012, first. Then,  I’ll talk about the 2 events that finally killed CoH in 2012.

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Facebook leads to herpies

1. SOCIAL MEDIA

During the final stages of development with CoH, 2 major social media sites launched, Linkin and MySpace. Granted those 2 released in 2003, but they paved the way for the juggernauts of social media. In 2004 Facebook launched. From 2004 when Facebook launched in 2012, when they went public Facebook captivated the attention of over 800 million people (now 1.2 billion). As a dedicated massive multiplayer online gamer, you took precious to away from CoH to screw around on Facebook. You created memes, poked, liked, selfied, and bitterly complained about your life to real people you met. All that was a total waste of your time. All those friends you’ve friended over the years  either,  don’t like you or you just want to stalk them. All those friends you made in CoH, they really miss you. Good job moron!

Once Facebook broke the social media dam damning us all, Twitter showed up in 2006 and Google got their head out of their ass in 2011 with Google Plus. Even though Twitter sit only at 800 million users with an average of 200 million using it daily and G+ just over 500 million, they are equally to blame for the closing of CoH. For some reason you still haven’t figured out who your true friends are; The ones saving your ass in Looking for Group. Hopefully someday you’ll learn nothing good ever came from social media.

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I miss you too you devious lovelies

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Side-by-side CoH and Desperate Housewives ruled the years from 2004-2012. With the announcement of Desperate Housewives shutting down in its 8th season in 2012, the creators and players of CoH were devastated. No longer could the fans of both laugh, cry, wear latex pants, and be sexually charged. The end of Desperate Housewives helped put the final nail in the coffin for CoH.

Most players of CoH enjoyed their time playing the game while watching the critically acclaimed TV show. With over 2.4 million viewers every 30 minutes, Desperate Housewives was key in the success of CoH. With the passing of the show developers of CoH quickly slumped into a deep depression. After the announcement of Desperate Housewives on their final season, it was apparent CoH was on life support while everyone said their goodbyes to the beloved show. Everybody knew the end of an era was upon us and it was only logical to end it all on a high note.

Looking back at 2012 I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It was truly a sad year for us all. Luckily, I can watch Desperate Housewives over and over on Netflix, but I can’t play CoH. We all know you can’t have one without the other and that is why Desperate Housewives sadly sits in my “to watch”  queue.

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All superheroes belong to Marvel. Don't forget it or they'll sue you

SUPERHERO OVERLOAD

Interesting enough, for 20 years from 1984 until 2004 there was 57 superhero themed movies and from 2004-2012 there was the exact same amount. In 9 years Hollywood jammed the same amount of movies it took 20 years to do before. That is super Superhero Overload! Our bodies and minds just can’t handle that much heroness all at once. Hollywood ruined CoH for all of us. I know you don’t see it as a bad thing because we got amazing movies like Ironman,  The Dark Knight and Avengers, but what about Superman Returns,  Fantastic 4, Elektra, Green Lantern, The Spirit, Ghost Rider 1 &  2, Jonah Hex, Catwoman, and Spiderman 3? Hollywood has given us more crap movies than good. The effect it has on the human CoH brain is uncomprehendable. Think of it this way:

Your spouse likes to have sex exactly 57 times a year. Throughout the year you are starving for sex waiting for you next time to pounce. You can’t wait to do it even if it is a bad session of naked wheelbarrow. You simple don’t care, you need it. To top it all off, you are jerking off every night except the nights you do dying fish cardio. Now, take that 57 sessions and do it in 5 months. Still it doesn’t sound too bad. Instead of having sex once a week, you’re pounding beef twice a week; add two masturbation sessions in a day and your business is going to get raw. You’ll start skipping the self-service so you can enjoy quality time with your spouse.

That is why the overload in superhero movies was a major factor in the closing of CoH. Also, Marvel decided to sue CoH during the life of the game, slowing production on much needed quality of life updates. If you want to point stinky sex fingers, point them at Hollywood.

2012…

MAYAN LONG COUNT CALENDAR

Everybody was waiting for the apocalypse on December 21, 2012. Not only did the Mayan’s stop making days because they gave up on life, Nostradamus foretold a comet would kill us all. To all the dead people prior to the 21st, they were right. To all the people reading this, you’re not dead. I think… Unless this is heaven and I’m a blogger in heaven…  I’m guessing you could be dead because I was told I already have a full-time blogging job in heaven. Either way, Paragon Studios wasn’t going to wait one more second of their life on your ass. It was party time.

On May 31st 2012 CoH came out with their final update titled,  Where Shadows Lie. That title was in direct reference to the imminent destruction of the Earth. The shadows where hints Nostradamus frequently saw in his visions while he was doped up on opium or bath salts.  Paragon Studios wanted people to know how much they were lied to through the years and how they wanted to free themselves from the lies  (NCSoft). With the apocalypse upon us the employees of Paragon were free from the evils of the world. On the 31st of August, they plugged all the toilets in the studio and never looked back.

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I will crush all your fun one law at a time!

THANKS OBAMA

Most of the time CoH was alive was during Obama’s presidency. While Bush was in office CoH was thriving because the economy was so bad people needed a way to escape their sorrows and CoH was there for them. Obama came to office and the economy gradually started to get better. People started going out and socializing. There were other factors Obama had on CoH we try not to think about. Unfortunately,  it is my duty to tell you the evil he has done to us.

1. In 2012 Obama was reelected for his second term in office over Mitt Romney. Mitt thought he was a hero and should rule the world like a real hero. Obama crushed his hero dreams sending the CoH into a great depression.

2. Obamacare bill passed in 2012 making it possible for all Americans to bitch about equal healthcare for everyone. People that  normally would stay inside in fear of diseases and outrageous healthcare bills, started to go outside and make real friends. Nobody told them herpies is for life.

3. Gay equally in the military and in marriage was finally making waves in 2012 with the help of Obama. What Obama didn’t think of was us and how that affects our game time. Not only did all the straight people have spouse aggro, now all the gay community was screwed. All those years gay couples were just “partners”  and they really didn’t have the legal say to stop their partner from playing hours and hours of video games. Oooooobama screwed them! Now a gay gamer can’t have a peaceful gaming session without their spouse pulling the marriage card on them. What the hell were you thinking Obama?

So there you have it, 5 major reasons  City of Heroes shut down. I’m not saying they are THE reason it was shut down, just major reasons why. Ultimately, it was all your fault for not playing the game when it was active. Yeah, I’ve heard all your excuses and I’m sick of hearing how sad you are without CoH, but it really is your damn fault. Stop whining and play your favorite MMO before that one shuts down too. You never know what the future holds for us. A new election is coming up and that comet Nostradamus prophesied never happened. You just never know. One thing you can count on though, is me blogging in heaven for you.

Editorial: Roberts vs Smart

Note: I don’t not know half the story and I’m not going to attempt to try to sound smart about it. What I want to talk about is understanding the effects of it all. I personally want to understand why this is happening and what either side will gain from it in the end. I don’t know the facts and frankly, it’s none of my business, but the thought of it gets me down. I normally write humor and the past couple weeks the news of Smart vs Roberts has got me thinking seriously. Trust me, that’s a bad thing. When I get serious stupid shit comes out of my mouth and it’s a lose/lose situation. Luckily for you, today is the day you lose.

$87,000,000

That’s a lot of money! That makes Star Citizen a triple-A title. It’s very cool to have an idea as an independent company to make a game for a measly $500K and get $87 million. That kind of support boosts your ego quickly. Possibly the intentions of Cloud Imperium Games (CIG)  and Roberts isn’t to make a triple-A games, but to make the best damn game they can. The money influx is just a byproduct of how amazing the community is and how much they support the game. It’s not their fault people give them money. Their “investors” want the best game they can get and if that eats years of development and them forking out more money, so be it. 

The problem with crowd funding and letting the people have the voice of your product is lack of common ground. Instead of having a cooperation with a board of directors funding Star Citizen, they have over 40,000 (Twitter numbers) investors with an equal voice. That sounds very chaotic to me. Of course the people investors really don’t have a very big pull in the ultimate decisions, but the lack of real investors removes the checks and balances set in place by games made by cooperate companies. In essence CIG is a independent developer with cooperate funds without the hefty contracts investors require to safeguard their cash. Those contacts get shit done or else, bye bye money flow. The only way Star Citizen would get this same effect is if the majority of 40k people said one day, “enough is enough!” 

Unfortunately, like a gambling addict or a World of Warcraft player, these people are invested to the point of no return. Any sign of the game floundering and they will throw more money in the slot to hit the jackpot some day. Unintentionally, CIG is praying on the hopes and dreams of middle to lower class people. Yes, I’m pretty damn sure they are not doing it on purpose to be evil bastards. Some people, like Derek Smart, can see the snowball that is Star Citizen, rolling down the hill picking up speed. That snowball is crushing it’s faithful followers as it rolls faster and faster out of control. All they can do is lay there in its wake as their wallets bleed out to death slomly. You have a couple choices as a minor investor of Star Citizen:

1. Take your losses and get out of the way before you get crushed.

2. Take a ball in the face and hope for the best in the future.

3. Add more snow and push it as it passes you.

4. Make an ass of yourself on the Internet because you can.

5. Help figure out a way to stop the snowball before it explodes into a vapor mist.

SMART

I think Derek Smart is a brilliant  guy. I also think he is wrong in this. It is not his place. He WAS an investor of a tiny tiny amount of $250 out of the Grand $2.1 million raised on Kickstarter in 2012. Coming from a guy that has several of his own games and owns a Tesla car, $250 is backup toilet paper.  He got his $250 back so what’s the big deal?

I really, really understand where he’s coming from. I do. He wants to do a good deed. He is extremely smart and can see the big picture how CIG is fucking up. We get it, they have their head up their asses and you want justice for 40k people. If Smart doesn’t stand up for what is right, then who will? He is really trying to do a good thing here, but his way of going about it is bad. People say he’s just trying to get publicity for his game; I’m sorry, but doing what Smart is doing will definitely make his game die a quicker death. His plan of attack is ill planned and will hurt everyone in it’s wake. It is just an emotionally charged mess.

RSI Twitter page sits at 40k followers (I understand they are not all investors, but all investors are not on Twitter. 40k is a good guess for investors right now)  and Derek Smart has 4k. That is a huge difference between a game that isn’t made and a developer that has made several games. The disparity between the 2 logicly points to Smart as the lesser developer. Personally, he can make excuses as to why he isn’t as popular and why his games will never be as successful as Star Citizen already is, but at the end of the day it just boils down to skills. He doesn’t have the skills required to be as successful as Chris Roberts and CIG, sorry.

For me, I’ll never be a great writer. I will never be a great blogger. I do not have the skills Syp or Tobold posses. I’m just not good enough and I’m ok with that. Shit, I’m 99% sure this will only be read by 10 people and I’m ok with that. I just don’t hold the skill set required to be a great blogger/writer no matter how much I practice. But, I do not go on other blogs to bring them down or try to get my name out there in a negative way. That is just wong and selfish. Is it really worth my popularity to bring others down? No because no matter how stupid I think another blogger is, I don’t act like a dickhead in the name of my ideas of justice.

I believe Derek Smart is a leader. Sadly, he is a toxic leader right now. All his brilliance and knowledge is being used to negatively impact other people. He might not see it that way, but it is what is happening. To be a great leader the leader identifies the needed change, creates a vision to guide the change through inspiration, and executes the change with the commitment of the members of the group. Unfortunately, that is not what Smart is doing. It breaks my heart to think a person with his knowledge and understanding of the game industry could easily help CIG, not hinder. It would just take a few seconds to ask himself, “how can I help?”

I know it’s hard to suck up one’s ego, but maybe, if Smart helped Roberts succeed and not try to make them both fail, there could be a game like we’ve never seen before. I understand Star Citizen is in direct competition with Smart’s games, but helping 40k people get the game they’ve dreamed about could reap benefits for Smart in the long run. No longer would he be the crazy-ass developer of subpar games, he would be the developer that selflessly helped get the game they always wanted.  That is a crusade destined for righteous justice. I’d buy a Derek Smart anything after that. He would embody what it means to be a leader and finally inspire people. He wants to crusade for what is righteous, then inspire us first.

CONCLUSION

I don’t assume to know what is really going on  with this Roberts vs Smart war, but I know it’s not helping anybody. It is proving to society gamers are crazy and petty. None of the press from this debacle is good. There is back and forth childish behavior from thousands of adults lead by these 2.  Smart says he doesn’t want the game to fail only Roberts to leave the project, but would Smart leave his command if an asshat asked him to? As much as he thinks he would step down from his position for the greater good of the game, he would be lying to himself. Just like Roberts, he is emotionally invested in his game; A game that has acquired almost a 100 million dollars from peon gamers they call investors.

I challenge Derek Smart to be more positive.  He needs drive around in his $100k Tesla and ask himself, “why? Why am I doing this? How can I help not hinder my beloved game industry? How can I become a leader and a role model? How can I put my ego aside and help?” 

If he’s already answered these questions then he’s doing it wrong and needs to reevaluate his initial answers. Through the years he has been seen as a strong, bold, brilliant, pig-headed, asshole. It is ok to have a strong unwavering will, but it is not ok to use that as an excuse why you’re an ass to other people.

On the other hand, I challenge Chris Roberts to ask himself a few questions of his own,  “How can I get this game done? What can I learn from Derek Smart? Why haven’t I delivered on any of my promises to my thousands of faithful investors/fans?”

Not only the investors of Star Citizen at risk in this squabble, other indie developers are looking up to them and counting on them to succeed. This is the biggest Kickstarter game success or failure to date. No matter which way the pieces fall, Star Citizen will impact the future of crowd funded games. 

Both of them need to suck it up so they don’t fuck it up.  Right now,  they are bringing down the whole indie gaming industry and the media is pulling their puppet strings just for greedy hits. It’s a full circle of greed on everyone’s part. In essence we are bullying each other just to get attention. If we ever want to be taken seriously as a hobby we need to band together and help each other succeed or fail in a dignifing way. Things like EA being the worst company in America needs to stop. We look like morons. I leave you with this…

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You ever wonder why we look like idiots to the world? It’s not the guy in the Venom suit and it’s not because he’s fat. It’s because we don’t have each other’s back and we constantly make fun of each other for who we are.  Most gamers are middle to lower class. Subsequently, the largest amount of obese people are middle to lower class, percentage wise. This guy is mainly made fun of by his peers. That is messed up! We would rather bully each other instead of help.

These developers are doing the same thing. They are treating each other like crap as veterans of the industry, setting the example for our younger developer generation. I wouldn’t back either of them based on their lack of ability to lead and be professionals. There is a time and a place to stand your ground and be heard, but this bullshit between Roberts and Smart is not the right time. No matter who you think is right and who shot first , they are both wrong. Promises were made and words were said, it’s time to stop and help each other find a way.

Derek Smart is driving a car named after a selfless inventor that only wanted to help mankind move forward in peace.

Chris Roberts is building a game on the idea of discovery, exploration, and pure creativity.

Two beautiful things, two fucked up egos.

GAMERGATE LOCKED!

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Warning: free range dumbasses, keep gates closed

After last year’s Gamergate debacle, Jesus decided to lock the gate to make sure nothing else got out. Unfortunately, some asshole stole the key last week and let some more morons out. We talked to Jesus and this is what he had to say:

“I’m pissed! I can’t believe some asshat stole my keys again. I’m sick of it and when I find the douchebag I’m going to help Satan rip him/her limb from limb. Somethings you just have to do even if you go to hell. I’m willing to risk it for that new fucktard! ”

Last year it was believed Peter accidentally opened Gamergate thinking it was the Pearly Gates. The problem is, Gamergate was closer in looks and real estate than Hell’s Gate. After the shit-storm last year, God had Gamergate moved  loser to Hell and he added rust to the gate. Hoping the gates were opened by Peter after a late night binge drinking holy water, Jesus and God just swept the when incident under the veil. That night Jesus got to his house and went to unlock his door when he discovered his key missing. In a fit of rage he yelled, “Jesus H. Christ,” which is ok for him to yell and not considered swearing.

It only took a minor investigation to discover who took his key, Donald Trump. As punishment to him and his followers, he was made to run for president and make an ass of himself the whole time. Of course Donald thought he was being blessed. God works in mysterious ways.

This time Jesus knows it was not a mistake and he’s flaming mad. Satan is wearing sunblock because Jesus is so mad. When Jesus finds the little pickpocket devil he’s going to make sure the key never gets in the wrong hands again. His plan is to swallow the key and never poop it out. We all know Jesus doesn’t poop.

If you happen to see someone running around with a giant rusty key that looks a bit like a rusty trombone, call 1-900-UHeaven. You’ll be rewarded with defenning ear ringing whenever Trump speaks and 7 booster packs of your choice for Hearthstone valued at $9.99.

GAMERS’ MISSED CONNECTIONS

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I hope we can get to 3rd base

Here at Couture Gaming we believe in true love and we hate to see when love is missed.  To help this we’ve complied a list of missed connection from several gaming forums. If you happen to be one of these people, we sincerely hope you find your lost love.

World of Warcraft

“To the Worgan in Goldshire on Argent Dawn server,

I saw you upstairs in the inn dancing. I don’t know what attracted me to you, but the way the light bounced of your hairy back got my excited. I could only dream of the day your sharp claws would dig into my back and your tier 2 oversized, transmogged shoulder pad awkwardly bump into mine as we kiss. Please if you were a level 100 Worgan Warrior hanging out in the Lion’s Pride at 10am on the 19 of August, meet me back there tomorrow for some intense role playing. Be prepared to get your fur all musty.

“Dear LFR Healer,

I really don’t care who you are, but could you please heal me. I’m a 23 year old lonely Rogue looking for some heals once and awhile in LFR. I’m willing to fall in love with any healer willing to heal me just once. You will save me thousands in repair costs. I just need a little healing… Please
-signed- Lonely Dead LFR Rogue

EVE Online

“To the overly serious dude shouting F’bombs in voice chat,

Gawd, you talk so dirty when we’re losing a battle in EVE. I get so horny when you become violent and start beating on your computer. Last night while we were being ambushed from the rear I thought about you a lot. I was sad you were not on because  I knew you’d flip out more than necessary.  I feel we would are a great team because I like to play games and get pissed off too. We need to log into Skype someday and just yell at each other.

Neverwinter on Xbox One

“To the gold spammers,

I’m sorry I missed that in chat, what’s the website again… ”

Call of Duty

” To Earl Gray,

While playing Call of Duty last night I noticed you camping me and teabagging me. I just wanted you to know I enjoyed hours of watching your ass smack me in the face while I waited for my respawn timer to reset. I appreciate your dedication and would like your real home address so we can get to know each other better. Of it’s ok I’d like to in its my friend Louisville Slugger to come meet you face to face. I’m sure you’ll love him and quickly become blood brothers.

General

” Dear male gamers,

I’m looking for that guy that doesn’t think I want to have sex with him because I’m a female gamer. I know he’s out there. A guy that just wants to have fun and play games without mentioning his penis or my breasts in “casual”  conversation. I know I missed you because so far I haven’t found you playing the games I play. Yes, I’m a female gamer. No, I do not want to get busy with you. Yes,  I’m married. No, I won’t get on Webcam and show you my tits. Yes, I’m looking for mature male gamers. No,  I’m not a ugly slut. I just wanted to clear that up because I mis playing games with you ALWAYS.

From all of us at Couture Gaming, happy gaming and we hope you find that special someone someday.

BLOGGER LAPSES INTO A COMA AFTER WRITING FOR 21 DAYS STRAIGHT

Devastating news for bloggers today participating in an event called Blaugust, a blogger by the name of Scarybooster has lapsed into a coma. After writing blog posts for 21 days straight his mind gave out on him. One minute he was laughing at his own jokes in a post and the next minute he was in a coma. He was brought to the hospital at 1am this morning showing no signs of a quick recovery. Only once our hopes rose as he was getting a sponge bath by an extremely hot nurse. Even though he didn’t wake up he smiled and quickly got an erection.

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You bet I do!

We are deeply saddened by this news and our prayers go out to his family. We do not want this to happen to anybody else so we complied a list of symptoms to look for if you know or are someone doing Blaugust. Please,  seek medical attention and stop blogging if you experience any of these symptoms.

1. A feeling of attention grabbing title.

2. Lack of desire to post, but force yourself anyways.

3. The feeling nobody gives a shit what you just wrote including yourself.

4. The urge to delete your blog.

5. Uncontrollable licking of a stick of butter.

6. Checking your stats every 5 seconds

7. Writing shit just to fill the quota

8. Reading shit in hopes you get inspiration to write not-so shitty.

9. Looking at the calendar in hopes it’s September.

10. Masturbating in between paragraphs for excitement.

11. Writing a stupid list to get other bored Blaugust participants to read it.

12. Sticking your head in the freezer and slamming the door on your neck repeatedly.

13. Urinating on your neighbors dog.

14. Staying up late crying because you can’t think of a post for tomorrow.

15. Doing the dishes instead.

16. Random fits of rage yelling Belghast’s name.

17. Reading League of Legends forums for fun.

18. Buying a used copy of Matrix Online at a yard sale.

19. Watching Donald Trump speak about politics and agreeing with him.

20. Wishing NaNoWriMo was this month too.

Again, if you see or experience any of these symptoms seek mental attention from a licensed physician or hot nurse. We at Couture Gaming are worried about your sanity and lackluster posts.

SCIENTISTS WILL CURE VARIOUS DISEASES AT PAX PRIME

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First ever PAX map

PAX Prime is seen as the cesspool of humanity by normal people, but for cunning gamers it is the true salvation for the coming apocalypse.

For years the rest of the world thought gamers were wasting their life playing video games and wasting their money attending events like PAX Prime; in reality gamers have been attending these conversations to be secretly vaccinated against humanities most deadly diseases.

Recently a group of lost college students studying to be scientists, drunkardly stumbled upon this year’s PAX East. Unfortunately, they were not vaccinated against any of these horrible diseases and 3 out of the 5 students died or went insane. One of the late students even died then went insane. The remaining 2 students vowed to find a cure for these disease for the normal human beings of the world.

In their research they discovered a handful of diseases they would have to cure without the help of the secret gamers society known as PAX. Here are a few of the know diseases made public by the students:

ANOSMIA:

Anosmia is the loss of the sense of smell. This disease can be deadly if someone dealt it and you cannot smell it. Even with the lack of smell, turd partials are inhaled into the victims lungs and fills them up with deadly ass-toxicity. A normal person entering PAX without anosmia will choke you to death on the vile smells. Over the years gamers have slowly built up an immunity to ass smells and have acute anosmia. The students plan on getting revenge by making gamers smell again.

BELL’S PALSY:

Bell’s Palsy is a condition that affects the facial nerves leaving the victim sometimes expressionless or unable to blink. Even though none of the students caught Bell’s Palsy, they were fascinated by the sear amount of gamers suffering from similar symptoms while in front of a game or watching a panel. At first they thought PAX was a convention for stroke victims or victims of traumatic head injuries, but later discovered the gamers choose to put themselves in a Bell’s Palsy state for hours or days.

HALITOSIS:

Commonly know to gamers as, Dragon Ass Breath (DAB). It is not uncommon to talk to a gamer and wonder if they decided to lick the dragon’s ass instead of slay it. Before the hammered students even broke the threshold of the convention, the ticket agent killed one of them with DAB. The student proceeded to go into convulsions and drowned on his own vomit. DAB is extremely toxic and you should never approach a gamer with questions. Arm yourself with a Tic-Tac gun and wear a gas mask if you want to survive.

These are just some of the documented disease found at PAX. There are rumors of a PAX Plague and several sweat transmitted viruses that skunks die from. No matter what, if you stumble upon a gaming convention like PAX Prime and are not inoculated, seek emergency services as quickly as possible.

10 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT DESTINY’S THE TAKEN KING

On September 15th Bungie will release the second year of Destiny with The Taken King. For the next few weeks Bungie will be doing informational developer streams on Twitch to help clear up what the Taken King will bring I  year 2. Yesterday was the first developer stream where they talked about all the changes with the Tower and your inventory slots. As informative as it was, it was boring. Nobody really gives a crap about the Tower changes. This was apparent in the comment section of the stream; over 200,000 viewers screamed LAME simultaneously. I screamed it 3 or 4 times.

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Dread... Not in my house!

Luckily for you, I visited Bungie last week and have the full scoop on The Taken King. Here is a list of ten amazing things you didn’t know about The Taken King:

1. There were 3 new planets planned for The Taken King, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto. They picked those three planets because they were the 1st, middle and last planets in our solar system. Unfortunately, Pluto is still a huge flame war in the astronomy field and Bungie did not want to have those nerds fighting about it on their forums. The thought of having stupid gamer nerds and educated planetary nerds arguing on Destiny’s forums was just too much negativity for Bungie. They decided to forget about planets and have a ship bigger than their current planets. Everybody is happy now!

2. The Taken King expansion was originally a holiday event called, The Giver King.  Bungie decided to scrap the holiday event because it didn’t provide any revenue for them. The idea of giving something to people and not just taking it, was stupid to them.

3. Lore wise, Corota and the Taken King were not on speaking terms. The Taken King was always trying to impress his mother, but Corota was an attention whore always 1-upping him. When Corota died from the guardians the Taken King only attacked because he felt his mother didn’t love him as much as her grandson.

Later the Taken King found out from his mother Corota was not his son. When the Taken King was on a business trip his wife had sex with The Speaker. The Speaker was scared the Taken King would find out so he sought the help of The Traveler and guardians to protect him. Grandma couldn’t keep her damn mouth shut, so now the guardians have to protect The Speaker because he can’t keep his dick in his pants.

4. Bungie plans on coming out with action figures like Skylanders. They planned on the figures shipping with The Taken King, but they ran into delays because Apple was working their employees long hours for the iPhone 7. According to child labor laws, you can only work 24 hours a day. Even after Bungie made a 29 hour clock, they were not allowed to use their employees.

5. Bungie planned for players to use their ships to fight the Dreadnaught on the outside before they could access the inside. After much debate, Bungie removed the space fighting from the game because they knew players would be pissed about their loading screen having a purpose.  Don’t worry players, your loading screen ship will still be there to watch if you don’t get up to go pee.

6. The Dreadnaught was originally planned to have 2 raids. Bungie decided that would be too much content for $40 and plans to release the second raid 3 months later for $20.

7. The Vault and your new collection blueprints were all together in the Vault kiosks in the tower. Bungie thought it was too efficient so they split it all up in multiple locations just to have people run around and waste time in The Tower. They argued it is more immersing if people do what they normally do daily, have their head up their asses.

8. You can now use your Ghost in The Tower to train like a Jedi. You can even switch the voice back to Pete Dinklage and his lifeless commentary if you want to train the Darkside.

9. Your Ghost almost had a female version  of the voice to choose from. Bungie decided it was too distracting for teenage boys and they would never stop trying to touch their Ghost’s boobies. Also, Siri was busy getting people lost on the Boston turnpike.

10. The Dreadnaught is shaped like a penis and you are Rick Moranis trying to reach the tip to save humanity.

HYPE TRAIN DERAILS AND INJURES THOUNSANDS

I’m sorry to bring you sad news today, but there has been a horrible train derailment. Our reporters rushed to the scene as soon as possible and we’re horrified at the mass carnage layer before them. Our extremely professional reporters used every ounce of their being to bring you this gut-wrenching story.

WARNING: WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO READ IS EXTREMELY UPSETTING AND IS GRAPHIC IN NATURE.  THERE WILL BE BAD LANGUAGE, MISUSED PUNCTUATION, EMOTIONAL STATEMENTS, AND OVEREXAGGERATION.

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This wouldn't be funny if it was a real train with Canadians on it.

You’ve been warned…
INTERVIEW 1

REPOTER: Please tell us what happened here.

PASSENGER1: It was awful! I was riding the train all happy drinking my alcoholic beverage when- BAM! KAPOW! SLONGKIE!… I was thrust out of my computer chair on to the floor.  My head was spinning so bad,  I shit my pants. Not just a squirt either. This was full log. I’m not sure if I should quit drinking or wear diapers.

REPORTER: No we mean what happened to the train?

PASSENGER1: Oh, we were fucking lied to plain and simple.  People were killed today because of the lies.

INTERVIEW 2

REPORTER: Excuse me Mrs. can you tell Couture Gaming what happened today?

PASSENGER2: I don’t know I can. I’m all shaken up by this still. All I remember is grabbing my 2 babies and thrusting them into my giant boossum to plug their ears from the horrific sounds. I just kept yelling,  “Lord Jesus please save my babies! Save my babies!” 

INTERVIEW 3

REPORTER: Sir, can you tell us about the train?

PASSENGER3: Yes

REPORTER: Ok, can you expand on that and tell us more in detail what happened to the Hype Train?

PASSENGER3: Yup.

REPORTER: Damn it dude are you on drugs?

PASSENGER3:

REPORTER: Well, looks like he passed out.

INTERVIEW 4

REPORTER: Good day Sir. Can you describe what happened here today?

BYSTANDER: Sure young man. I was walking by this convention hall and I saw a bunch of nerds crying. I tried to ask what happened expecting a blood massacre or some other tragedy, but they all started blabbering about a game. They acted like the human race was dying from the plague and it was just a stupid ass game. The last time I saw this many grown en cry was when the Patriots won their first Super Bowl. 

It’s sad our kids these days take video games so seriously they cry over them. I mean, what whiney little babies. Computers and the Internet are ruining our culture. We should all damn the devil machines and *THWAMP*

REPORTER: I’m sorry that old man was delirious and needed to be put out of his misery. Taking about devil computers and crap. Today is a day of great sadness and he tries to make us be all neanderthals and shit again. We’re all deeply saddened by these horrible events today and hope we can recover. It will take time to heal these wounds and it might take years of publicly bashing the company involved in this, but sooner or later we’ll rejoice when the file for bankruptcy or die and a office fire.

SCIENTISTS BELIEVE TWITTER CAN BE MISUNDERSTOOD

Recently, a group of scientists at the University of Maryland discovered Twitter tweets can be misunderstood.  To prove their hypothesis they studied a 1000 monkeys with Twitter accounts. Here are some tweets they complied and the response the monkeys got:

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After flinging poo all day Monkey954 had to clean shit out of the keys.

TWEET

“We the people of tA untity states of Murica… ” via @monkey34

RESPONSE

“@monkey34 damn moron learn to spell. Even a 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters can spell better than you!”  via @damnmonkeycantspell

TWEET

“I had too many bananas this morning and keep farting in my cage. The monkey next to me writing the Constitution is disgusted.”  via @monkey36

RESPONSE

“ASSHOLE! ” via @monkey34

TWEET

” SEA-DOO DJSDKDKD D DNDKKDKCKG TFBS FEJRBD WOEJX” via @monkey57

RESPONSE

“My dad died while riding a Sea-Doo. I can’t believe you’re so disrespectful of Sea-Doo accident victims. What is wrong with you” via @SeaDooDoo

Over the course of 3 weeks locked in cages tweeting here are some of the things that happened to the monkeys:

1. 15 monkeys were blocked and reported as spam.

2. 4 monkeys were unfollowed by other monkeys because they felt like they hated them.

3. 6 monkeys deleted their accounts after an argument

4. 12 monkeys were accused of starting an apocalyptic disease and Brad Pitt denied any involvement.

5. 703 monkeys cut grammatical corners to reach the 140 characters, but we’re still misunderstood

6. 17 Red Butt Baboons got their butt hurt from something someone said.

7. 45 Silverbacks argued about the best Nickleback album ever made. Nobody else cared.

8. Right turn Clyde

9. 23 monkeys shared their feelings and got told to suck it up.

10. 562 monkeys signed the Change.org petition against the scientists’ experiment.

Over the courses of the study the scientists took a poll to see how happy the monkeys were with their tweet responses. Here are the results:

56% felt misunderstood
34% felt unhappy after using Twitter
5% flung poo randomly
3% are addicted to Twitter drama
2% died from malnutrition
None wrote the Constitution successfully

Scientists are still baffled as to why they used monkeys for this experiment and not rats. They’re sure rats would have yielded better results.

MAN DEAD BECAUSE OF VIDEO GAME

Yesterday 28 year old, Gilbert Hornby, died because of a video game he played. Gilbert was a huge fan of the game ZombiU on the Wii U and yesterday he celebrated his favorite game being re-released on Xbox One. Overjoyed by having a second copy with higher resolution, Gilbert played for 8 hours straight. After that, our story takes a turn for the worst. Gilbert was found dead 4 hours later, but how and what does Zombi have to do with it? Stay tuned after our short commercial break-

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Just 15 min could've saved Gilbert's life!

Gilbert was an nice man. Yes he loved his video games too much, but he was always kind to others. This kindness would soon take a turn for the worst. At persicely 9pm, August 18th, Gilbert would be the victim of a video game gone bad.

After 8 solid hours of playing Zombi on the Xbox One, Gilbert went out to get a bite to eat. Little did he know, he was about to die horribly. While walking to the local Subway sandwich shop and passing a Geico billboard, Gilbert came upon a horde of zombies trying to cross the busy street. Being the good samaritan he is, Gilbert decided to help the poor zombies across the road. Granted, he felt obligated to help them because of his countless hours of murdering them in a video game. His big heart and guilt got the better of him.

As Gilbert held out his hand to help the rotting people, they quickly pounced on him and started eating his flesh. Blood stained the streets as Gilbert smiled and thanked the zombies for eating him so politely. It was a slow death. Some of the zombies had lost their teeth so they had to gum Gilbert to death. Luckily, some zombies brought steak knives and forks to help the toothless. 8 hours later Gilbert died.

Video games kill! If Gilbert didn’t play video games and felt bad for zombies being mistreated, he might have brought his shotgun or chainsaw with him. He didn’t and he died because of his clouded judgement from a video game. We all can learn from Gilbert by not taking 15 minutes out of his day to get cheaper insurance with Geico. He couldn’t afford insurance for his car so he could just run the zombies over. Trust me, 15 minutes could save your life… Geico!