Monthly Archives: July 2015

Editorial: FFXIV Might Not Suck

This weekend I subscribed to FFXIV: ARR. In the past I’ve vocalized my dissatisfaction with FFXIV and that still holds true. I am still very unhappy with the idea of liking this game even if I start to like it, I won’t like it. I am not allowed to change my mind because that will mean I was wrong and foolishly mistaken in my initial assessment. If that happens my ego will be jeopardized. So even though I’m having fun playing FFXIV, I don’t like it. I even asked my family and friends what I should do.

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I had to show my shirt. My underwear were dirty.

WIFE:

I don’t give a shit! Do what you want. Play it don’t play it, who cares. (We made sweet love for hours after this “fight”)

MOTHER:

What? What are you talking about fantasies for? You should talk to your wife about your final fantasy not me. (I heard dry heaving)

SON #1

I want to play Munchkin. Can we play Munchkin? Are we going to eat dinner soon? (I put him in the corner until dinner was ready)

SON #2

You’re stupid dad. You should play Destiny only. Only old people pay for MMOs nowadays. (I made him play my Destiny account all day instead of letting him play Witcher 3 like he wanted to )

OLD NEIGHBOR

Hey cutie, I’ll make your fantasy! I just need to pull out my dentures and I’ll be ready for you big guy. (We are best friends now)

OLD WOMAN NEIGHBOR

I play a Gladiator on your server. We should do a dungeon of some duties together. (I avoid eye contact with her and I told her I like WoW better.  So leave me alone creepy old lady!)

After talking with everybody, I decided not to tell anybody I’m playing FFXIV. It’s just better for me to keep it a secret and act like I’m playing more manly games like Bejeweled or Bubble Witch 2. I have to hold up my reputation and more than likely I’ll quit playing as soon as it gets too difficult. I prefer to play my MMOs without other people and be as anti-social as possible.

On that note, I’ll probably by Heavensward way before I can play the content and get frustrated I can’t. I’ll quit the game again based on the fact that it sucks and any game that requires a man to wear a subligar is stupid. I might even play it cool and chalk it up to,  “it’s just not my kind of game.” That is the easy way of keeping friends on social media without them knowing the game they play pisses me off to no end.

If you see see me playing FFXIV don’t say anything. I’ll just deny it. I will blame it on my son and act like I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I do slip up and say something positive about FFXIV,  I’ll flip over an play dead like a possum.  I won’t make eye contact and I’ll AFK.

(Disclaimer: I don’t like FFXIV and his is just a social experiment to understand why people are enjoying themselves.  I can’t be judged because this is for science. In no way do I smile or am curious what would happen if I keep playing. I might have bought a subligar for fun.)


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League of Legends Champion Stripped of Title!

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LoL Champions at some time

Breaking News!!!

This morning the League of Legends commissioner issued a statement:

“It is sad we have to do this,  but we do have to do it.  The player known as Champ33-on, has been stripped of his title following a routine drug screening.  Champ33-on tested positive for several different forms of steroids. He was receiving shot directly into his fingertips to enhance his fingering. We discovered an anomaly during the last tournament when we clocked his button mashing at 1/3 a millisecond.  The average LoL player can only execute precision keystrokes at .66666321 milliseconds. Champ33-on was stroking more than double everybody else.”

We interviewed his girlfriend and she said:

” It’s just people being jealous. He practices his fingering and strokes more than anybody else.  I doubt he is doing drugs, but even if he was, I’m very happy with his fingers.”

We reached out to fellow LoL champions and they sent us their disapproving pose photo.

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2013 Disapproval Posing Champions

Several of his teammates and random people on the forums confirmed his drug use by linking it to his piss poor attitude.  Because they fear relatiation from Champ33-on and his loyal fans, they refused to go on record. They all fear he will “rage out” on them and say bad things during games or on the forums. He was once a gentle man in a very positive environment. Since his drug use the LoL community has receive reports of toxic behavior.  At this time we are not sure if more players are involved in steroid use or they are just having a bad day.  We could be on the cusp of the LoL communities downfall. 

While we are dealing with a once loving community now on the edge of destruction, Champ33-on will be stripped of his title and required to seek rehab. During rehab he will be required to play DOTA 2 while eating cotton candy. We can only pray his rehab will help set the stage for a bright future for everybody.

God in Games

It’s no secret all gamers are looking for God and games are the Dead Sea Scrolls of our time. It’s obvious with game titles like: No Man’s Sky, Destiny,  God of War,  Diablo,  Halo, Elder Scrolls, Dark Souls, Mario Kart, the new Terminator movie  and many more games we’ve played throughout the years. The search for God continues even if it’s not in a church on Sunday. Nowadays, prayer is done in front of the TV or monitor with I controller used to bless our actions. Playing games is far more religious than going to Bible study or sitting around a campfire singing the praises of our Lord while a bear waits in the darkness.

This week was no exception for the race to find God in our games. Social media was filled hundreds of stories of gamers in search of God. Some stories even talked about people trying to be prophets for God. I believe one of these games will show the true meaning of God someday and help restore the faith back into humanity. Here is the week recap of stories bringing us closer to God.

Monday: No Man’s Sky

Just hearing the name, No Man’s Sky, sets off bells and whistles about a God-loving game. The whole concept behind No Man’s Sky is to find God at the center of the universe. On Monday IGN had a First Look video that was about 18 minutes long. It detailed what the main purpose behind No Man’s Sky was, to find God. Of course the developer, Hello Games, did not come out and say it, but it was clearly obvious. As the developer zoomed out further and further you could see a blinding light at the center of the universe. We all know God is at the center of the universe and Hello Games is just stating what we already know. Your goal is to get to God in No Man’s Sky.

I enjoyed watching the video and I’m super excited for this game to come out. I can finally play a game that doesn’t beat around the bush when it comes to finding God in games. I love the fact the game is based on learning about the creation of the universe and what God went through to make such a beautiful place for us. No Man’s Sky is a true biography about God. The light in the center of the universe is blinding beautiful and I will be living and breathing No Man’s Sky and God when this game releases.

Tuesday: Destiny

Tuesday was the first day of the Destiny/Red Bull campaign. God and a person’s destiny have gone hand-in-hand from the beginning of time. Bungie partnering with Red Bull is a logical step in finding God in Destiny. In the Bible there is a famous story about a man named Paul Bunyan. Paul is famous for riding a blue ox into battle for God. Because of copyrights the company Red Bull had to steer clear of their initial name of, Blue Ox. Just take a look at Red Bull cans, what color are they? That’s right blue, like a blue ox Paul Bunyan rode for God. Knowing this fact, Bungie quickly partnered with Red Bull to help the Traveler in Destiny fight the evil “Fallen”. Seriously, the FALLEN…duuh… fallen angle… Satan, man it is so obvious.

Bungie will be taking their game one step closer to the gospel with their new expansion, The Taken King. The Taken King is a direct reference to the devil and his greed. The Taken King is there to steal your destiny in finding the holy “ghost”. We will have to wait until the Taken King comes out to see how close we get to fulfilling our destiny and finding a new ghost to help us in our travels fighting against evil. In the end, Destiny will prove to be an award winner with God!

Wednesday: Lizard Squad

You might wonder how Lizard Squad is part of God in games. Back around Christmas the serpents released a denial of service attack on Xbox, Playstation and several other gaming services. They denied gamers to find God on the holiest day of the year. They did it under the famous symbol of the devil, the serpent. On Wednesday a head of the devil was acquitted of over 50,000 accounts of terrorism towards gamers and game companies. With their quick snake tongue they convinced a judge the devil was not in court and this was an act of God. It was meant to teach young people to value their loving families on a holy day. We all know Satan pulled this same trick on Adam and Eve to get them to eat the forbidden fruit from the tree of life. Disciples of Satan will always assume the form of God-loving saints to get their selfish deeds done.

No matter how you spin the story of the Lizard Squad hacking, it was done out of pure evil to deny good people their salvation through video games. We can only hope Saint Smedly can work his magic and fight against this evil for all of us. He will be known as our savior in the end. Smedly has spent his life devoted to making beautiful games to help people reach enlightenment and life fuller lives for God. I pray for Smedly and know God is on his side in this matter. Go get them John!

Thursday: Overwatch

One of the main watchers of our souls is Blizzard Entertainment. For years they have been giving us the ultimate battle between good and evil with the Diablo series. I grew up on the series and believe Blizzard has a higher purpose for us in life. They are preparing us for the war. Not just in Diablo, but in Warcraft and Starcraft they are teaching us to be battle ready when the time comes. They are guided by the angel, Michael. Blizzard hasn’t stopped changing our lives and making us warriors for God, they are bringing us their new weapon against evil called Overwatch.

They call it Overwatch, but we know they mean “Watcher”. There are hundreds of stories about the Holy Watcher guiding us in the war against evil. Overwatch is our new guide in that fight. Yesterday at San Diego Comic Con, Blizzard unveiled an 11 minute video of how we will learn to fight. I don’t know how many times I watched the video, but every time I did I discover new things. I took pages upon pages of notes detailing Blizzard’s new strategy in fighting evil. Once Overwatch comes out we can all learn to be better warriors for the coming apocalypse.

Friday: Thoughts

For years I’ve been playing video games trying to pick out the tiny morsels to help me save humanity. Every game has its unique way of teaching us something about good and evil to help prepare us when the time comes. I feel that time is coming soon. More and more games are coming out with the theme of good and evil and that can only mean our salvation is near. I know I am ready to fight and with the tools we are giving by game companies, I believe we are ready to fight. We are ready to win this war for God.

We can do this gamers, let’s fight!

About Couture Gaming

Welcome to Couture Gaming website! Because today is your first day visiting Couture Gaming (CG), I’ll explain what you’ll see here in the near future. First though, I’ll give you a brief history behind the creators of the world’s first gaming website dedicated to 100% truth about gaming with 100% flare for the Fancy! No other gaming website will or can bring you unbiased truth with a kick to the gap between your ears. After reading or watching CG content, you’ll collapse dumbfounded and drooling like a rabid football fan staring at a bucket of flaming hot buffalo wings naked on the centerline of a hockey rink watching a thousand pucks launch right at you. That my friend, isn’t even the 100% truth behind how CG will awe and amaze you.  There will be many sleepless nights wondering when CG will update it’s content. Don’t fear, we’re 110% dedicated to bringing you 10% more content than humanly possible. You’re welcome!

History :

Back in 2006 our founder and CEO, Mr. Couture, started blogging about video games. Again truth be told, he wasn’t the most dedicated blogger or even the brightest. He was more like a lamp you find at a yard sale you have to constantly smack to stay illuminated. You should always keep a 50lbs halon fire extinguisher handy just in case he shorts out and bursts into flames. Open a window too because halon sucks the oxygen out of the air. That about sums up his personality and stupidity. On to his credentials:

He has none… On to his passionate drive to bring you the best gaming website known to man:

Mr. Couture has always been about passion. When he was 10, he French kissed his first girlfriend. He quickly found out “smacking around her tonsils” was just an expression and too much passion can make people sick. Over the years passionately blogging, Mr. Couture made himself sick. He was sick of the hate and negativity throughout the gaming community. Early in 2014, Mr. Couture slipped into a negativity coma and quit blogging. Since that day he had not been seen or heard from… Until now!

Months of searching uncharted islands, we finally found him. He was starving for attention deep in a cave of his imagination. Without the help of our highly-trained bow and arrow marksman,  Oliver Mr. Couture, would’ve starved to death in the wilderness. We are all very thankful we found him in time. And in the coming months, we believe, you will be too.

Mr. Couture has a degree in Social Media Engagement Engineering and is working on his master’s degree in Trolling Psychology. We have approximately 23 other staff members working daily at Couture Gaming to bring you the fanciest damn gaming information around the globe with 100% truth, passion, justice, and journalistic integrity.

THE FUTURE :

The future is bright! You can expect, but not demand,  a blog post weekly. You WILL get a blog post every Friday. Anything else would be uncivilized and a serious pain in 23 asses. We’re dedicated to giving you quality posts. We believe in going above and beyond as little as possible and that kind of dedication only happens once a week. Anymore than that and we could pull a hammy or glute. You ever see a person with a torn glute? It’s enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Our glutes are precious to us and we prefer to keep our ass cheeks from sagging. So, you’ll get one post a week. Don’t worry, that post will be amazing… maybe… it depends on if you’re a critical asshole.  Trust me,  it’s amazing and you should just except that as a fact.

Some times we’ll throw gravy at you.  Without warning,  we’ll post something not on Friday.  That post will be gravy.  I’m thinking of white sausage gravy.  You know the kind you use to smother dry ass biscuits with? Yeah,  that creamy goodness! Don’t ever expect the gravy,  just lather yourself with it when it happens. Again,  we do not want to hurt ourselves and making us give you gravy would improve the chances of injuring our sexy buns.

The Site

Unfortunately, while writing our introduction 21 of our staff members quit and 1 was fired. Some of the members were in charge of the web design, marketing, social media bugging, Kickstarter campaign, and serious content. With the current staff we are unable to produce a “pretty” website at this time. We will be more than happy to take design donations and free social plugs to help us get off the ground. All donations are greatly appreciated and will help us save the kittens and redheads from bad things like rusty bear traps. Feel free to contact us on Twitter at CoutureGaming.

The lack of staff will not change our intense posting schedule. You can count on us me to bring you the outstanding content you deserve at a not-so breakneck speed. Again, we appreciate all the support I can get. Times are hard in this deadly profession and I plan on being just as hard. Stay tuned to my maiden post this Friday and tell all your beautiful or ugly friends about Couture Gaming !