Monthly Archives: July 2015

New MMO on Kickstarter Reaches 3.8 Million in 15 Seconds

Overnight the new game company,  Drug Moneyz, launched their campaign for their new MMO called,  Early Access. In the words of the CEO of Drug Moneyz, St3al3r, it’s:

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To access this picture please pledge more.

“A revolutionary MMO like you’ve never seen before. We have one server that is PvP and PvE at the same time. How you might be wondering? That’s our secret! You’ll have to pledge to find out. For just $20 you get early access to Early Access. For $50 you can get pre-early access to Early Access and the perks just get better the more you pledge.

Not only do we have a mind-blowing server technology, we have all the features you know and love from popular MMOs and some we thought of ourselves. Of course if you pledge, you’ll get to see all these revolutionary systems before anybody else. Well, unless they pledged more than you (chuckles). ”

On the Kickstarter page Drug Moneyz hints at a whole slew of features they plan on adding to tantalize their fans.

1. PvP and PvE Megaserver

2. Free to play with no cash shop in game.

3. Premium subscription if you want, but we will never block content behind a pay wall. All premium will provide is cosmetic items, unlimited bag space, and hourly login rewards.

4. Dynamic public events

5. Live team lead dynamic public events

6. Guild lead dynamic public events with developers.

7. On-call customer service that will fill groups missing people. Need a tank? No problem, our CS team is waiting to tank for you. Need a healer? Yup, we’re here like a magic genie for you.

8. Paid children in 3rd world counties to fill your every needs without the nagging insulting back-talk if you wipe 50 times in a row. What you don’t have friends? No problem, our dedicated half-starved children will make you the most popular guild leader in the world if you want.

9. Over 300 non-instanced dungeons at launch!!

10. Over 500 instanced dungeons at launch too!!!

11. Raids? We have them all from 6 man to 160 man raids. Again, never worry about filling those empty slots our paid staff of over 1 million is ready to raid with you! (Disclaimer: all requests for personal will be at the expense of the requestee)

12. A really economy that can make you real money… Oops that’s a secret you’ll have to pledge to find out more.

13. NO NORE QUEST GIVERS! You heard me. We have zero explanation points floating above heads in our game. How do you get any of the 6.4 million quest we’ll have at launch then? Easy, walk by an NPC and you automatically have his quest! Not only his quest, but any or all cut scenes part of that quest. Just click the quest in your quest log when you feel like it or don’t. The quest will automatically complete even if you don’t click the quest. The system will alert you when you do whatever it wants you to do.

14. Player made quests… Cats out of the bag on this on, but I need to put the bag back over his head if you want to know more… PLEDGE TIME!

15. Mounts galore and if you pledge $100 or more you’ll get super-duper early access to see just how many we’re talking about.

16. A Voxel world to its molten core.

17. Not only is there normal PvP battlegrounds, we have 2 totally revolutionary crafting battlegrounds! The first one is all out madness. You kill! You gather! You bake goodies! You deliver it to your opponents customers… If you can make it there ALIVE! The second unique crafting battleground is 100% PvE. Being a Voxel world it’s easy to see where this is going. You gather the resources as fast as you can, before your enemies. Oh no… Your enemies set you a trap to slow you down!?! PULL IT TOGETHER PEOPLE WE CAN STILL WIN THIS! We can just bake some speed buffs or herd some mounts. Your weapons are no good here, just wit and skill. I’ve said too much. For more information you might want to pledge $150 or more.

18. 5 sided PvP. Yes you heard me. Five! No only that, we have traditional 2 sided and 3 sided PvP too.

19. 11 PvP maps, 6 open world PvP zones (if you’re on a PvE character. If not all is PvP), 9 PvP modes, 2 crafting modes, and 1 super secret Roleplaying P-in-V mode. OMG! What could P and V stand for? I don’t know, but for a $200 pledge I’ll tell you right now. And if you’re hot, I’ll come straight to your house if you pledge $3000. I’ll  show you.

20. Last but not least, for a $300 pledge I’ll tell you what number 20 is. Don’t worry it is amazing!

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Debt services standing by.

Wow! What an awesome list of features they have. I immediately pledged $3000. I’m a sucker for new PvP modes and I’m really a sucker for roleplaying.

In the side bar you can see a list of their pledge rewards. Here are 5 I thought were just amazing and wanted to lay my money down on all of them.

1. $10 pledge- Access Granted!: For a measly $10 you can be in beta. That’s right, only $10 for beta access. No other Kickstarter MMO has offered such a low price for beta access, EVER.

2. $125 pledge- So early my head is spinning: For $20 you get early access. For $50 you get pre-early. For $100 you get super early and for $125 you get all those and double early access to Early Access. OMFG that is crazy!

3. $4000 pledge- Drops Mic access: Not only do you get all 15 other items above, you also get free Webcam access to our studio break room. Don’t worry that’s not all. You also get the option to shock any employee you choose that is sitting in the break room to hint,  “GET BACK TO WORK!”

4. $10,000 pledge- Blown away access: On top of all that above, you will have a direct line to my penthouse, where you can ask me 3 questions a night. Any questions you want. I might even answer them.

5. $1 pledge- Deal access: Right now with a 1 dollar pledge you can play the game for free when it releases. Not only that, I’ll give you special access to the Kickstarter comments section and you can say anything you want. This deal is only limited to 50 people so act now!

Drug Moneyz goes on to map out their release plans:

“We plan on having our first Elite Super Secret early access right after we meet our goal on Kickstarter. Out of our 27 different types of early access, we plan on finalizing our alpha around the holiday season in the future. Not this holiday season, but the one in the future. Our beta and final product will come after that. Depending on if we reach our 42 stretch goals, you could see all this sooner. It is really up to our faithful pledgers.

Don’t worry after the Kickstarter campaign closes, we’ll open  our website so you can pledge some more or buy goodies on our marketplace. Just to wet your whistle here are some things you’ll be able to buy:

1. Early access to any of the 27 early accesses at a slightly higher price than Kickstarter. So get it now!

2. Thousands of mounts and outfits that will not be accessible after the game launches.

3. Forums access and early access forums access. You can’t afford any of the early access packages? No worries, you’ll be able to read our early access forums for a low monthly fee. (Disclaimer: forums will be in “read only”  mode. You will be unable to give any outstanding feedback unless you upgrade your account to any of the numerous early access packages.)

I don’t know about you, but this new company and its plan to shake up the MMO scene has me hooked. Their ultimate goal on Kickstarter is to reach $35 million. At the rate they are going they’ll hit that goal in 24 hours. I wish them all the luck and can’t wait to see this game in action, even though I have no idea what the game is really about. I’m sure that is one of those super secret things you can pledge more money for to find out. Oh gosh, I need to up my pledge! I need to know!

Birth of a Gamer: Prelude

Against popular beliefs, you can not pray the gamer out of a person. You are born a gamer and you will always be a gamer no matter how much you try to hide it. Stop wasting your time and effort on your facade and be a proud gamer. Embrace your game and follow along with me through the month of August as I tell the tale of the greatest gamer that ever lived, Mr. Couture.

Before gaming was a thing and before humans could imagine being a gamer, life was filled with so much boredom people did truckloads of drugs. Not that they still don’t do drugs, they just do less because they can’t puff and use a controller at the same time. During this time of ridiculous amounts of drugs, people had sex spontaneously. Nobody really cared who they had sex with, as long as that person had enough drugs make the sex forgettable. This was the time Mr. Couture was conceived.

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A massive blast from that past!

Of course his parents were married and only half-baked on drugs, but still, his parents were sex animals. I’m not saying his parents were sluts, but his dad was known to have the biggest sprinkler in town.  I’m sure he mainly watered his own lawn, but during the hot summer it is always nice to help a smoking hot neighbor out if possible.

Mr. Couture’s parents met 4 years prior to his conception. At that time they didn’t know they were about to make the the world’s most famous gamer with sex and drugs. Sure they knew about blunts, butt plugs, 69’s, and the occasional Shocker, but they had no idea what their future held. His father’s balls were held every night and his mother’s hair was held back after a bad shroom trip, but the future was crazy man.

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Who's your daddy?

9 months prior to August 1974, Mr. Couture’ s parents enacted Staying Alive the triple-X version. The public records recorded several disturbing noises coming from his parents house and the turkey was overly basted. Not going into too much detail, but let’s just say they finished a long game of Twister and broke several condoms. Several landfills could be the key to cloning Mr. Couture in the future. Start digging people!

Over the 9 month incubation period, Mr. Couture started planning his future as a gamer. During that time his favorite games to play were Punch Out: Vagina Edition and World of Wombcraft or WoW for short. The bigger he grew and the more he leveled up, he sought more gaming challenges and dreamt of being the world’s greatest gamer that ever lived. First, he needed to get the hell out his mother’s belly. He was very annoyed by his father constantly knocking on the back door to see if anybody was home and his mother screaming, “OH GOD! OH GOD, YES! COME IN YOU BIG BOY!”

AUGUST

It finally happened in August. Mr. Couture was born and he was free to pursue his dreams. Over the next 31 days in August,  I will tell you more about Mr. Couture and his life as I he remembers it. This is a true account of his life and how those around him remember him in his early years. From the second the doctor spanked his ass and wiped the nasty vaj fluids off him, people have been following Mr. Couture’s every step through life. He is a treasure to them and from that first day they knew he was special, in the head. To them the day he was born is not important, it is important to celebrate his life every year for the whole month of August. Even after 41 years Mr. Couture makes sure people worship him for the whole month by showering him in presents. He could give two shits about love and admiration, he’s just content with the presents.

Every day I’ll post a  minimum of a year of his life. Because Mr. Couture is going to be 41, there will need to be 41 posts to cover his whole life. There will be days you are treated with 2 or more years of his awesomeness. You’ll just have to keep reading and beg for more. I like begging. Every post will be reposted at the end in the page titled: Birth of a Gamer Biography. You can find a link to that page at the top of the website.

I hope you enjoy the story.  Take the time tell me what you liked most about Mr. Couture’s life and how I’m doing. Thank you all and I’d like to thank Mr. Couture for giving me this opportunity to tell such a great story about him. Look for Year One: Birth of a Gamer Saturday.

Woman Marries After Telling Xbox Off

Paula Sensen age 56 of Winnipesaukee,  NH,  finally got married for the first time after dating the same guy for 31 years.  After Joe Dodson age 40 went on  a 16 hour Call of Duty binge, Paula was fed up and screamed, “Get off that fucking XBOX… OFF… FUCK… XBOX… OFF!”

To her surprise, the Xbox gently powered down and sat there quietly waiting her next command. From that moment on Paula was in love. She was finally listened to and every command out of her mouth was executed without some smart-ass remark or bullshit excuse. For the first time in 31 years, Paula was understood.

Soon after, Joe was out on his ass without his beloved Xbox. He had no idea what happened. One moment he was making sweet love to his Xbox controller and the next his heart was stolen right out of his hands. He was expecting a catfight over him,  but baby, sweet, Xbox just gave up without a struggle. CHEATIN’ BITCH!

Later that day Paula and Mr.  Xbox got married. Paula said at her wedding reception, “there was just an instant Kinection between us. He is constantly turned on with just me talking. I couldn’t have found a better man. Tonight I’m going to turn him on so fast and push all his right buttons. I might even shove his power cord up my ass!”

Joe had no comment he was busy trying to buy a used Wii U.

Blaugust 2015

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NEEEEERDS!

August!

The most boring month of the year.

My mother cocked her leg and fired me out.

August!

The time we make shit up to be less bored.

So boring gamers officially changed the name to…

Blaugust!

Blaugust is a combination of 2 words. The first word being Blah, meaning boring. The second word of course is Ugust, meaning a strong wind that could possibly blow you over if you were outside ogling at nature. In a sentence  you would say: I was outside in a tree watching the pretty lady get undressed when, ugust! I fell out of the tree from the unexpected wind.

BLAUGUST

Every year since the turn of the century bloggers have been making shit up in August to combat the shear boredom they experience during this time. It also helps them stay out of jail on Peeping Tom charges. More and more Blaugust has gained a cult following. There has been attempts to create more events like this during other, equally stupid months like March. In March one blogger tried to appreciate game developers with an event called Developer Appreciation Week. Sadly, that blogger no longer is with us. He got a life.

So, only the boring month of August remains on our calendar and my mother still shakes in fear at the thought of it. Blaugust remains in the blognation as a holiday. During this month bloggers are required to confess to their murders everyday for the entire month. In doing so their Lord and saviour will reward them with a treat. Last year I got a discounted prostate exam. The doctor said he would give me a five finger discount, but it surely felt like 7.

Blaugust has a few rules so you don’t lose 2 fingers trying to dig to China through my ass:

1. You must own an operate a lawn mower with at least 10 sentences in the user manual. No electric lawn mowers are allowed.

2. You must murder any child named Link born after 1995. You’re just being a copycat and damn lazy of you name your child that these days. There are better names like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson.

3. You must advertise yourself in the NY Times as a slut looking for multiple partners to go to the local water park with. The Slip-N-Slide is your favorite to go down head first on. I usually open my mouth wide and scream while trying to gurgle warm water that shoots in my mouth.

4. You need to sequentially number how many times you have sex in your life and post it above your bed or cut a notch in the bed post. Personally, I scream out a number when I finish.

5. #Bacon

6. You must collect at least 31 nail clippings by the end of the month. If you don’t we can’t send them to Nathan Fillion and resurrect Firefly. He likes to chew on them when he thinks.

7. Saturday is soon and that means it is my birthday all month. I want a present everyday. No joke!

8. Boredom!!

There you have it. Go forth and be a Blaugustateer! You swashbuckling fuckers!

SWAT Arrests an Illegal Gaming Tournament

At precisely 1:22 am and 35 seconds, an illegal gaming tournament was shookdown by 9 brave SWATers.

Reports were leaked from an inside source. As a professional cosplayer, she knew the laws of gaming tournaments forward and back. In an interview after the bust she said while she was cosplaying a blue dot with a synthesized voice,

“As a gamer myself, I know the laws and I was shocked to find out there were tournaments being held breaking the law. I went to police with my suspicions and they planted me in several conventions as a professional cosplayer. After that it was easy to get the lowdown on these underground gaming tournaments. That’s when I was horrified to see all the gamers wearing pants. It was enough to make me sick sometimes. Luckily for me, my first  offical sting had me cosplaying a vomiting corpses. ”

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I'm naked writing this right now!

In 2006 the law of No Pants Gaming was brought before the Supreme Court.  The law states:

Under penile code 6″, all gaming will hereby taketh place withoutith pants.  This hereby includes: corduroy pants, jean pants,  cutoff pants, Capri pants, shorts, pajama pants, khakis, latex spray on pants, and assless chaps.  All violators will be punished at the full extent of the law.  Sentence will be no shorter than 6 months away from electronics. Harsher violations can included up to a 1 year internship with Daybreak Games or a lecture from Derek Smart on self-control. On this day August 21st 2006, given to the Supreme Court with a unanimous decision, we hereby dub thee No Pants Gaming Law.

Ever since that day in 2006, gamers have been singing the word of gospel for this law.  Recently, a gang of ruthless underground tournament goers have been flagrantly breaking the law. A specialized SWAT was put together to stop this gruesome behavior.

One SWAT member stated, “We seen it all in the past 3 months. We’ve seen people making excuses like: my shoes are off a was about to or this is my mother’s basement she is worried we’ll have sex if our pants are off. It’s just down right disgusting.”

There were 28 people arrested tonight. All in violation of the No Pants Gaming Law. Some of the lesser violators got off with just a slap on the ass.  It was proven they were only 4″ and that is acceptable to wear pants. Even though, they should’ve had their zipper down and their pants unbuttoned. The most extreme violator was the announcer. He was wearing skinny jeans and underneath them some padded biking shorts. He said he had a 5 mile bike ride and it chaffs his cheeks if he doesn’t wear them,  but we later clocked his route and it was just under 4 miles. Proving he could’ve just worn underwear and used a chaff roll on stick.

As shocking as this story is, people are secretly wearing pants while they game. The police officers are over worked and under paid to catch all these criminals. It’s our duty to report any violators. Only you can prevent pants  gaming parties!

2015 MMO Blogger Meet Cancelled

It sucks I’m the bearer of bad news, but this year’s Blogger Dead Horse Beating Meating (BDHBM) has been cancelled. Unfortunately, they lost the contract for the dead horse storage facility and the meat smoker broke.  To top it all off, somebody stole their last Louisville Slugger. The committee frantically tied to find a horse assassin to schedule around the time of the meeting, but all horse assassins were booked for BlizzCon at that time. The BDHBM committee tried to reschedule the BDHBM for a later date, but to do that they would need a fresh dead horse to beat to hash out the details. Sadly, finding a fresh dead horse to beat is impossible without beating an old decayed dead horses first. By the time you got to the fresh dead horse it would be decayed and it’s against the rules to beat a new topic with a decayed dead horse.

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Here you've earned this!

I know it is sad, sad news, but think of it on the bright side, we have another year to find old-new topic to beat up. To help all the MMO bloggers out there discover old and exciting topic to pulverize ruthlessly for a year, I’ve compiled a list of topics past BDHBMs have covered.

Here are some past Beating Meating Reading topics:

1. X game is going free to play I just know it!: Panel discussion on why the game is going free to play and what date. Hats will be handed out so speculatory dates can placed it. At the last day of the convention a date will be drawn to be submitted to the game developers. In addition, the convention will hold a daily “F2P Bingo” with a small entry fee with a possible premium subscription pass.

2. Women’s armor in MMOs: The panel will discuss how it is degrading to women while the audience tells immature breast jokes. A slide show of inappropriate Eastern MMO styles will be shown. Later, there will be demos of the MMO to get a hands-on feel for how degrading mishandled boob jiggle physics can be.  A pention for women’s armor to include a built in sports bra, will be passed around.

3. Gamers’ toxicity levels: There will be group meditation after every MOBA presentation. Then, it will be followed by warm milk and cookies for snack. All negative bloggers will be placed in timeout for 15 min max or 1 min per how old they are.

4. Feelings Workshop: Bloggers will get a chance to tell everybody at the convention how they feel.  After their speech there will be a group hug.

5. Stats and how they affect your blogging: epeen rulers and calculators will be handed out at the door. The bloggers will be broken down into groups of 5 lead by the highest viewed blogger. All other bloggers will try to mimic their style. Only the leader can give advice and suggest blog titles for better views.

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The brown log is missing! Watch your step!

6. The Hype Train: Derailing and or stopping is not allowed during BDHBM. All Hype Trains will be fueled each day by:

Day 1: Green Log
Day 2: Yellow Log
Day 3: Red Log
Flight home: Brown Log

7. Sandbox vs.Theme park: The panel will discuss ways to identify which type of MMO you are playing. They will then give you the Bartle test to take home. You MUST figure out what kind d of player you are and if your favorite MMO fits you property based on your results. There is no option and you are not allowed to play the MMO type you are not compatible with.

8. Get your PvP out of my PvE: Bloggers will either read lengthy quest text out loud or wrestle in lemon jello. The readers are not allowed to eat the jello off the bodies of the wrestlers. On the other hand, jello wrestlers can’t read.

9. Grammar: Panel cancelled out of lack of interest.

10. Blogging vs. Journalism: The panel will give pointers on how not to be a “sellout”  and be proud you’re not getting paid for your work. They’ll also discuss how to belittle journalist to make their readers think getting paid to write is evil. A list of viable excuses to tell friends and family why you don’t get paid, will be handed out at the door.

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So much blood on the floor

So, there you have some popular topics to beat like a dead horse for another year. Continuity is the key to the Dead Horse Society. Here’s to another unproductive year of beating it until we go blind…

100% of WoW Players are Totally Happy with the Direction the Game is Going

Today Blizzard published last quarter’s customer satisfaction survey and the results were as expected.  Players of their worldwide successful MMO,  World of Warcraft (WoW), agree they are 100% satisfied with the game and the direction the game is going. This morning the forums are buzzing with radiant positivity. Here are some of the forum threads popping up:

Title: PvP FINALLY Balanced!!!

Today I love PvP!  I queued for battleground after battleground and was so happy! I don’t remember how many times we lost or how many times that Rogue one-shotted me, but I do belive this is the most balance the game has ever been. Shoot, I never got a spell off because I was dying so fast or I was CC’d for an ungodly about of time, but I could feel everybody was on equal ground. Just truly amazing day!

Title: LFR has to be the best way to play!

I just can’t believe how awesome people are in LFR since the last patch. Blizzard I salute you and your awesome game. You’ve finally made everybody happy.  Even after we wiped 6 times on trash because all of our healers went AFK at the same time without saying anything, we had a joyous time talking while we waited. We even had wonderful conversations about homosexual people and African-Americans. People were complementing each other on their skill and enjoying the time we all had together.  I chalk this up to WoW having the best community in the world. Thanks Blizzard!

Title: I just need to get this off my chest…

I love you all! You’ve made me a better person. Even my wife enjoys me playing WoW with you instead of taking care of our kids or cleaning the house. I could just live in WoW and hug you all! Thank you!

Unfortunately,  in the light of all this positively Blizzard fired all their forums moderators. Since there is no need to censor what people post, there is no need for moderators.

Tomorrow, Blizzard plans on rolling a new patch out without testing it.  Here are some patch notes:

1. Removed class spec requirements for LFR queueing.

2. Added a new 5 min stun-lock ability to Rogues with a 100% chance to critical strike everything within the zone or PvP map.

3. Made all servers PvP

4. Deleted all characters that haven’t logged in… Now

5. Made all zones underwater

6. Removed everything from game enabling characters to breath underwater

7. $20 a month

8. Removed cancellation button from everywhere

9. Gave Tauren giant penises as requested

10. Fired Quality Assurance department

Husband Puts Down Controller. Wife Expects Him to Clean

HUSBAND: I just put the controller down for 10 seconds to take a bite of my sandwich and wash it down with a beer.

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10 seconds could mean life or death

The husband claimed with a sincere tone.

WIFE: He was just sitting there staring off into space and I needed help.

Hands on her hips looking over her shoulder annoyed at her husband of 14 years, she gives him The Eye.

HUSBAND: But I was still playing… I… I was just taking a 10 second break in between matches.

Petrified his wife will throw the pepper shaker again, he prematurely cowers down.

WIFE : He’s a sweet man he really is. I just think he can’t grasp time very good. Bless his heart and his video game hobby, but I kind of need a little help around the house. After all, he was just daydreaming for 5 minutes.

A couple beautiful butterflies spring out of nowhere and dance around her shoulders weaving in and out of the spontaneous rainbow a over her head.

HUSBAND: SHIT! The Guilt-Trip rainbow and the Butterflies of Doom. Ok, ok how about I do some laundry really quick for you my sweet blossom of life?

Sweat beads slowly formed on his brow ready to attack his eyes with stinging fury.

WIFE: Awe! That is so sweet of you to offer to do that. While you’re doing the laundry I’ll just:

1. Do the dishes
2. Prep dinner
3. Vacuum the whole damn house
4. Pick up YOUR kids from school and wipe their snotty little noses
5. Take the dogs out to shit
6. Mow the fucking lawn and step in the shit
7. Track dog shit on freshly vacuumed rug
8. Scrape shit off my old ass shoes because you buy video games instead of nice clothes for your once beautiful wife, now old and fat from depression because you don’t do shit around the house and you’re lousy in bed.

Deep breath

9. Steam clean the carpet
10. Feed your pimpley ass that festers bacteria from sitting on it all day playing vid-eeoooh gaaamez
11. Pick up the crumbs off the floor in the living room because you can’t eat at the table like a civilized human being. No! You just sit there in front of that TV staring off into space because you don’t find me attractive anymore. You want to have sex with those women you play games with, don’t you?

12. Tuck you in at night and lovingly kiss your forehead. Love you sweetie!

13. Stay up until 3am crying over a bottle of wine while I delete all your gaming progress.

14. Masturbate in triumph!

She bats her eyes and heavenly music comes from nowhere, but everywhere.

HUSBAND: 10 seconds… It was 10 seconds… I don’t know what happened… 10 seconds…

Amazon Shopping Cart Collapses and Kills 100’s of Employees

BREAKING NEWS!!

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The apocalypse has begun

Several Amazon shopping carts have collapsed under the pressure of Amazon Prime Day deals. There are reports of dead and injured employees.  Amazon is requesting aid from FEMA and the Air National Guard. We’ll keep you up-to-date as reports come in.

UPDATE #1:

Warehouse 3 is on fire and thousands of deals are trapped! We can only pray no Xbox One deals are trapped. God help us all!

UPDATE #2:

Reports are some deals have not reached 100% within seconds. It is believed those deals are trapped under pages of other deals already claimed.  My cart is getting crazy full and could crush my bank account at anytime.

UPDATE #3:

My wife is pissed I keep adding “shit”  to our cart. I told her I’ll remove the items if Xbox One goes on sale. These are “just in case” deals.

UPDATE #4:

Iran has put sanctions on Amazon for being unethical with their savings and the  POTUS is heading to a secure location.

This madness must continue until I get that Xbox One console I’ve wanted for weeks. Even if the Earth or Pluto has to suffer, I need this!

Best Buy Employee Fired for Not Caring Which Console a Customer Bought

After several hours of self-debating, Philip left his local Best Buy without a new gaming console. Later in an interview after his 9pm bubble bath and Cherry Blossom lotion application he said,  “I just couldn’t decide if I wanted an Xbox One or a Playstation 4. The sales associate was no help either. He kept telling me the pros and cons of each console. I started to get angry because he wouldn’t tell me which one I should buy. He even had the nerve to tell me he owned both. Who does that? He told me he was a PC gamer, at that point I saw his manager throw up in the trash and several of the cell phone associates looked deathly ill. ”

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"His dick was this big"

We caught up with the manager to clarify the situation. ” We hired him because he said he was a gamer. We didn’t know he was so promiscuous in his gaming. It’s just revolting! It’s bad enough I need to have separate break rooms for the PC, consoles, and mobile sales associates, I don’t need a gaming whore spreading his diseases around the store. You would think this day-in-age he could control his disgusting habits or at least keep it a secret. ”

We were unlucky to catch up with Jason, the whore, at his house.  He was surrounded by unsterile retro gaming cartridges, PC collector’s editions and multiple different console from more than 1 company… Sorry,  I need to take a minute to gather my thoughts to sallow the bile building up.

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The horror!

You can’t imagine the horror we had to witness and the pure filth of all those different types of games touching each other. Oh gawd, a hundred dead bodies massacred and left in a sauna would’ve been easier to deal with! I equipped a biohazard suit and braved the interview with Jason alone. My camera crew and stenographer couldn’t handle it.

Here’s the interview, but be warned if you’re faint of heart stop reading now.  Save your soul!

QUESTION: Why?!?!

JASON: What do you mean?

Q: Why do you play games from…*BELCH*… different companies?

JASON: Why not? Games are fun and you shouldn’t have to choose what platform you play them on.  People need to be free and-

“FUCK THAT! DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE! SATAN! DIE DIE DIE…”

I decided to cancel the interview and leave quietly.  Just remember the moral to this story: It is never ok to play more than 1 gaming platform or you will die, horribly by several blunt objects around your house.  You might even get a gold Legend of Zelda cartridge forced down your esophagus. It sounded unpleasant, so don’t be a gaming whore.